want_to_be_ …

You mentioned that your feud with your MIL has been over a decade.

You did not specify what kinds of behaviors of your MIL exhibits.  What are those triggers?  What are the boundaries that you have put in place?

Mark

Dear want_to_be_a_better_person:

You shared that you have  been in a relationship for over ten years, and have children with a woman who is afraid to say No to her mother: “my partner is too scared to say ‘no’ to her mum- she will usually put her mum’s wishes before mine”.

Your relationship with your partner is good other than it suffers from your relationship with her mother, your partner is very upset about it. She is so upset that you are afraid that your relationship with her will not survive if you  “don’t start putting up and being nicer” to her mother.

Let’s look at her mother’s behavior as  I understand it: she usually excludes your side  of the family from family events on purpose, and when she does  meet them, she is  rude to them. She asks you a question like: how was your day, and almost immediately, she intentionally shows disinterest in your answer and ignores you. When in a group of people and you ask another person a question, she  intentionally interjects so to prevent the other person from answering you, so to purposefully isolate you in the group. She undermined the rules you set for your children.

On your part you minimized your conversations with her “and therefore minimize opportunities for being attacked”, you say hello and goodbye, and nothing much in between. In passive aggressive ways you made her feel uncomfortable “so she  doesn’t turn up unannounced”. This lead to her “even rejected  invitations for coming around when asked by (your) partner”.

You considered and/ or tried the following:

1. You put together a list of assertive responses for typical situations so that you are ready to “handle things ‘nicely'”, because you are “not quick thinking in verbal communication.. unable to assertively react to events/comments when they happen”.

2. “Sitting down and discussing the issues one-to-one” with her (your partner thinks it is a bad idea).

3. Showering her with kindness (unable to fake it)

4. Not be bothered by her behavior, having “the strength to be more accepting and let the things that would have previously irritated me to no longer stir up bad emotions and hostile responses” in you.

My input and suggestions: your partner is afraid of her mother and feels guilty. Her mother has lots of power over her daughter/ your partner and she is well practiced exerting her power successfully. Unlike you who needs to list assertive responses in advance, all her mother needs to do to reassert her power over her daughter is … to just be there. A facial expression or a certain something in the tone of her voice is all it takes for your daughter to submit to her.

There is just one thing a practiced person like this woman appreciates, from my  experience, and that is Power. Look at  your current situation of ten years, there is something in what you bring into the relationship with her daughter, that her mother appreciates, otherwise, she wouldn’t have allowed her daughter to be in a relationship with you. That something is your power.

Being nice to her, (you put nice inside quotation marks), is a mistake; it is giving away power, and the result would be, like you wrote, “our lives will be taken over”. The way to go is not to give up power to her, but to find out what power you already have and take it from there. Therefore I ask: what is that her mother appreciates, is it that  you are employed and bring money into the relationship and without you her mother would  have to financially support her daughter and grandchildren (something she can’t or doesn’t want to do)?

anita

Dear  want_to_be_a_better_person:

You are welcome.

Your MIL wants you to remain married to her daughter, parenting your children with your partner. The only thing she wants is for… all  of you to submit to her power. “she would just prefer me to be another person that she can control”, you wrote.

During the first years of marriage you were submissive, and “things worked well as long as we spent adequate time visiting MIL, or if going away on holiday bringing her for some of it”, meaning sometimes, in her  mind, she didn’t have adequate visit time and complained about it, and you and your partner had to be cautious to not displease her.

Then you asserted yourself, “I insist that my partner, children and  I always go on holiday alone without MIL”, good job, I say. Unfortunately, your MIL, through her daughter, is  wearing you down. And  you are  now interested in going back to .. a bit of submitting, which you call “more accepting”, more accepting of your MIL’s power, that  is.

You wrote that you “now  need to  find the middle ground. Perhaps, I first  focus on being amiable”- we humans are social animals, not unlike dogs in some ways,  one of which is this common situation: two dogs get together, one is  aggressive, threatening, needing power-over, the other turns over on its back, demonstrating his  submission in no uncertain terms.  The dominant, aggressive dog is pleased and  no violence takes place. There is no middle ground.

The submissive dog is relieved because  he escaped violence and the dominant dog is relieved because he doesn’t have to fight. The violence in your case  is the destruction of your marriage, this is what you fear and this  is what your MIL is threatening you with through her  interactions  with her daughter. She  will be  relieved if the marriage is not destroyed, but she  is willing for your marriage to be destroyed in her quest for power.

anita