exactly, i always think like ‘we’re all gonna die anyway’ that’s why i want to die so badly, you know.. all of this is too much for me, that’s why i want to make it happen sooner.

i dont know all of my pain will end or not, i feel i’ll always be like this…im already broken.. im fucked up. so what’s the point anymore? nothing in this life is worth to live for.

i really love her so much, because she’s so different than anyone that i’ve ever met. she really have such a good heart, she’s so lovely, she have a good sense of humor, she’s smart, she can make me feel like i have some support and hope on keep living my life you know? i always feels like anything could happen when im with her… and if you know me, im actually a person that not really that fast to fall in love with someone, i even dont trust to anything about love or relationship before i met her. she changed me to be a better person. but… unfortunately, her depression makes her become a different person. she’ll ignore everyone, based on what she told me.. she’s not just ignoring me.. she also ignore her parents whenever she’s depressed.

so a couple hours ago, i just find out again she’s online there…and i was so mad and texted her there like “it’s so fun to find someone else in here, right?” then she told me she’s not looking for someone else here…she told me she didn’t know that i didnt trust her at all. and then she told me she’s talking with a gay guy there just to find someone to talk to, she said she’s trying to live her life and she’s trying to talk with random person there that didnt know about her mental illness just to feel normal for a while she said. and she told me, she cant do this anymore..she doesnt want to hurt me with her illness. she told me she’ll be always a burden for me and i will never live my life to the fullest if i keep in  a relationship with her. what have i done….did i make her feel uncomfortable this whole time? she told me i have to be happy with myself and live my life to the fullest, she ever told me that.. she’ll never change.. she told me she’s already that broken from that depression.

anita i cant lose her… i love her so much, im sorry if im a little bit being an asshole here like trying to hide my problems here..but i really just feels like im hopeless..and i was also spent my time crying again..so it’s really hard for me to write here……

i love her..i dont want her to go.what should i do?