Dear Agnes1205:

You wrote: “I just broke up with my  depressed  girlfriend”.  Later you wrote: “I can’t just give up in this relationship. for me, if we all have  to  give up on a relationship when it’s too hard we’re all gonna ended up alone, right?”-

I don’t understand: you broke  up with her, doesn’t it mean that you gave up on the relationship, by breaking  up with her?

anita

Dear Agnes1205:

I think  understand. My advice is:

1. Regrading your communication with her on the topic of her relationships with her parents and brother, you wrote: “sometimes she’s ignoring me  whenever there’s some trouble happened with  her parents”- if she shares with you regarding conflicts she has with her  parents, be on her side  of the conflict, understand her position. You are her friend, not theirs.

You considered texting her brother “and ask him to help her and take her  to the psychologist”, I don’t think it is a good idea to communicate with her brother behind her back except if she expressed to you that she is  considering physically hurting herself.

2. “she told me that maybe I have  to forget about  her because she feels like she’s just makes me sad all the time… should I hide my actual feelings and don’t show her that I’m sad”-

Yes, hide most of your sadness, because it bothers her to see you sad. You can tell her that  you are sad but contain your sadness, don’t express it with going on and on about  how sad you are, or crying, or any unnecessary displays. It may make you feel better to express your sadness to her, but it  makes her feel badly.

Therefore express most of your sadness elsewhere, maybe here on your thread, but not to her.

I will soon be away from the computer for  about fifteen hours. Post again anytime and I will read and reply to you when I am back  to the computer.

anita

Dear Agnes2015:

You wrote: “she ever told me that she was always thinking about killing herself whenever she’s depressed”- do you mean that she told you that when she was depressed she used  to think about killing herself?

What did she tell you exactly  in this regard, try to write it clearly, will you?

Then when she asked you to  break up with her, what did you say and do exactly, regarding the idea of killing yourself?

anita

Dear Agnes1205:

I read all of your posts on this thread. First,  I  will repeat what  you shared in my own words, with quotes from your share. After that, I will give you my thoughts.

You have been having a long distance (LD) relationship with a woman. One time she told  you that she “accidently dropped her phone… she’ll fix it and then she’ll be  back” to you, and told you “to waiting for her until she’s back”. You waited for her six weeks and then found out that she  blocked you.

You then tried to contact her with another number, and after a while she texted you back and the LD relationship resumed.

You wrote, “it always happened in our relationship over… and over again”- and following the incident above, she ignored your contacts again and again, although she didn’t  block you again.

At one time she told you that she didn’t  want  to  be  your girlfriend, you accepted it, but after three days of no contact, she texted one of your friends and begged that friend to tell you that she loves and  misses you. The friend told you what she said, and you and the woman resumed the LD relationship.

At one point she  told you that she  will never hurt you again (“she told me she’ll never hurt me again”), but last Nov she texted you, stating that she can’t be your girlfriend. At  one  point she told  you that she is gay, at another point she told you that she isn’t  gay, and that she lied before, when she told you that she was  gay.

She told you different  things and then “she told me  all of that is a lie“. You wrote: “I don’t  know the truth anymore“.

At one point you blocked her, she begged you to unblock her, she told you things, then you texted her. After some time she ignored you again. At one point you told her “I hope you’re happy with that guy” and her response was: “I will never do that! I told you about it just  to hurt you so you’ll hate  me, I love you so much… how can I forget about you just like that? I’ll never do that… for me it’ll always only you… I’ll get  better..  I promise.. I’ll stay alone my whole life… I still want to live with you someday Agnes”

Frustrated by this LD relationship, at one point you swallowed a lot of pills trying to kill yourself. She told you things like “sometimes I feel like I want to just get hit by a train whenever I’m in the train station”. She also told you that she feels like a failure, “my parents are  right… I’m just a failure  to anyone, I think it’ll be better if I’m just gone”.

Recently she  asked  you to break up with her, so you did, but she asked you to stay in contact and that “she just needs times to  fix herself before we can in a relationship again”. She told you at one point to “forget about her because she feels like she’s just makes  me sad   all the time”.

You wrote: “I  want to stay and wait for her until she’s okay… I can’t just give up in this relationship.. if we all have to give up on a relationship when it’s too hard we’re all gonna ended  up alone… I want  to help her cope with her depression… what should I do to gain her trust again?”

My thoughts regarding who she is: she is disturbed, not well. She is also dishonest and  not trustworthy. There are people who are disturbed and depressed and honest. But she  is depressed  and  dishonest.

This means that some of the  things she told you are true and some are not true, some are intentional lies. But as she  talks with you, often you can’t tell, no one can quickly tell what  is a lie and what is not a lie, not when a  person talks a lot and  quickly. It  is impossible to tell. This is why when you are in a relationship with a person who intentionally lies, you get very confused.

Sometimes you hear the truth and you know  she is telling the truth, like when she says she  is depressed and feels like a failure. Sometimes you hear real emotion in her words when she tells you that she  loves you, so you believe her. But then she  lies and  you “don’t  know the truth anymore”.

She doesn’t only say the  truth and lies repeatedly, she goes  a bit  beyond dishonesty. Let’s look at what  she told you here: “I told you about it just to hurt you so you’ll hate me”. If this very sentence  is true, then what  she  is saying is that she  lied before and that it was  okay for her to lie before because she had a good purpose to lying: “to hurt you so you’ll hate (her)”. This means that in the future, if she sees a “good” reason  to lie, she will lie again.

Basically, you have a depressed and troubled woman who lies a lot and you can’t tell,  no one can tell, which of all her words is true and  which is a lie. It is impossible to have an honest, loving relationship with a person like that.

You wrote that you don’t  want  to give up on her, that you shouldn’t end this relationship because it is hard. I would  agree if the problem was  that she is depressed. But she lies. A lot. Repeatedly, and for a long time. So it is not that the relationship is hard… really, it  is impossible if you intend to be and remain sane.

I suppose if you want to be sick, this relationship will continue to give you that,  sickness. No one, no person in the face  of the earth, can have  a healthy, loving relationship with a person who lies so much.

So my advice is that you place this relationship in your past. No matter how much love you feel for her, place it in your past and leave it there. You already suggested that she sees  a psychologist, that was  a good advice. And she rejected the idea.

Notice this: if you can’t bring yourself to end this relationship that is harming you and will keep harming you, then clearly, you should see a psychologist, a capable psychologist who will help you to place this relationship in your past.

anita

Dear Agnes1205:

You are welcome.

You wrote to me: “but I forgot to tell you that she hated it when I ever tell her she’s a liar. idk.. she said it’s hurting her  when she heard me say something like that”-

-when a person lies (intentionally and  knowingly saying something that is not true), and you tell the person: you lie! It is not likely that the person will like it and feel good hearing that you know. Her reaction does not indicate that she didn’t  lie. It indicates that  she doesn’t want you to know  that  she  lies.

You wrote: “I guess you’re right.. we don’t know the truth anymore”- from your shares I know that  she  lies and you do too. This is not questionable. What I wrote to you before is that let’s say in half  an hour of her talking  to you, I don’t  know if  she lies five minutes, ten minutes or twenty five minutes.

You wrote that  you forgot to tell me that  “she’s trying her  best to be  a better  person and  try her  best to stay alive because of  me”-

-If she tried  her best, when you pointed to her that  she lies, she would have responded differently, still hating it, but admitting  that  she did  lie. And then, she repeatedly ignored  you, that means she didn’t need you to “stay alive” when she ignored  you. One more thing, if she needed you to  stay alive, she shouldn’t be hurting the  person she  needs to stay alive.

She  told  you in the past: “oh, it’s okay.. if you want  to leave just leave. I  can’t force you to stay.  I  don’t want to  be  manipulative”-

-you shared  that  she told  you something about another guy in her  life, a guy who is interested in her or she is interested  in him, and you responded with: “I hope you are happy with that  guy”. Next, she told you: “I told you about it  just to hurt you so  you’ll hate me…for me it’ll always only you, even to think dating with someone else  makes  me feel like I want to puke… I told you about it just to  hurt you so you’ll hate me”-

If it was  true that she wants to puke at the thought  of another guy in her  life and  what  she told you earlier about another guy was a lie, then “I told you about it just  to hurt you so  you’ll hate  me” means she  is okay with telling you a lie so to cause you to behave a certain way–  this  is dishonestly manipulative.

When she  told you that it is okay  for you  to leave her etc., that is  probably  also dishonestly manipulative. She may want  you to try to leave her so that she will make you feel guilty about it and hurt you… more. Some people do enjoy making other people suffer.

Consider the possibility that  this woman tells you things (ex.: that there is another guy, that she is gay) and ignores you repeatedly for the purpose of seeing you suffer. It makes her feel … loved when she sees you suffer because of her.

Regarding your recent request for advice: I think that if you tell her that you are ending all contact with you, she will try her best to make  you change your mind: telling you she can’t live without  you, telling you that she will do her best to be a  better  person, ignoring  you and seeing maybe that will make  you chase her, and  so  on.

This is why my advice is for you to block her in each and every way possible so that she cannot  contact you. Tell that friend she talks  to, to not tell you if she calls him/her (this is what  happened before, leading you to contact her. If the friend, or friends will not respect your request, end contact with them as well.

And post again, anytime. I will reply to you further if  you share what will be taking  place next.

anita