Dear Agnes1205:

Before you met her, before you knew she existed, you hated your life (“I already hate my  life that much even before I met her”). You lived then as you do now with your parents who are usually not at home, unemployed, a college student, but not a busy student, “usually just listening to some music and maybe sometimes just stare at  nothing”.

Then you met her online, and you felt “so happy” and you wanted to “spend my whole life with her”.

You felt so happy and hopeful because you felt so unhappy and hopeless before for a long, long time. You felt useless and not good enough before you met her,  then you felt  useful and good enough for a bit at times when communicating with her, then back to useless and not good enough when she  ignored you. And now, you feel the same as before you met her, once again, and you think that the only way for you to feel useful and  good enough is if she  communicates with you once again.

We all need to feel useful and good enough. We can’t feel okay if we believe that we are useless and not good enough. Your hope is in these beliefs about yourself changing. Your hope, really, is not with her because she  is dishonest with you, she lies, repeatedly.

“I feel like I’m useless, and I feel like I’m not good enough”- this is the problem. These are beliefs you have about yourself that are not true and need to be corrected. You also need some sleep, seems like you don’t get enough sleep.

Tell me, how old where you when you started to believe that  you are useless and not good enough?

anita

Dear Agnes1205:

What pill is that, are you referring to a psychiatric medication that a doctor gave  you to sleep?

Tell me about the fight with your parents today, what happened, what was the topic, what did  they say, what did  you say?

anita

Dear Agnes1205:

Your father is a doctor and he doesn’t know that to help you sleep he can not yell at you? It is a better option than to yell at  you and then give  you a pill!

I am not a medical doctor, so I can’t tell you to take this or that pill, or not, not beyond the general guideline that a pill/ any psychiatric drug needs to be prescribed by a competent medical doctor and taken according to the prescription.

Now, back to one of your beliefs, that you are  not good enough. When your parents yell at you and are otherwise rude to you, it does give the message that you are not good enough, doesn’t it, that is, if you were good enough they wouldn’t be yelling at you and they would treat you with respect, instead. Do you agree?

I mean, they do  treat church goers with respect, but not their son, don’t they.

anita

Dear Agnes1205:

It is impossible for a child to feel good enough when being yelled at repeatedly. No wonder you believe that you are not good enough.

But you are good enough, I am sure of it!

Now, please take this thought, my belief, that you are good enough, take it in with a few deep, slow breaths and close your eyes, let yourself drift into sleep. If you don’t sleep, at the least rest. I assume your yelling parents are in the church, so you have a couple of hours, I hope, of quietness, to close your eyes and rest.

anita

Dear  Agnes1205:

You are good enough. You question it, but I know the answer. I hope you will know it too. I already made up my mind  about this woman you refer to as your ex.  She  lied to you repeatedly and I am done with her as an option for you.  I understand that sometimes she was  nice to you, in great contrast to your yelling parents who are rude to you,  but her sometimes-niceness does not make up for her lying to you repeatedly.

You need a person who will be consistently honest and respectful to you. Not too much to ask for,  or  to expect, reads like, correct? Unfortunately this  combination is not that common.

So, regarding that person you refer to as your ex,   I am not open to consider you having a relationship with her. She  feels like hope for you, but there is no realistic hope  there, only more trouble.

What about someone else in your life… a different young woman?

anita