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Agnes1205

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23 total)
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  • #272335
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    I’ll try that advice anita.. thank you so much for your help. anyway… i’ve ignored her for 5 days now, two days ago she replied my last text to her… but i just left it on read until now. so rn.. i just got a message from her, she texted me like ‘hey i don’t want to seem rude but i just wanted to ask how you’re doing right now’ what should I do? should i read it? or i have to ignore her again?

    #272133
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    but honestly i miss that..  when we used to talk with each other a lot..  laugh together… love each other. now i feel so lonely. no matter how much i tried to talk with some of my close friends.. I’ll always miss her and feel lonely.

    also.. this break up really makes me feel kinda traumatized to any kind of relationship. i dont want to open up my heart again. is it wrong?

    i don’t want to love anyone anymore. it’s enough. i wont find someone new.

    #271801
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    thank you for saying that…but seriously maybe im actually not that good enough. especially that im gay… if they know about that im really sure they’ll even treat me more badly or even maybe dump me.

    i will try that anita.. i hope it’ll help me. and about my ex, i just texted her again.. i was acting like i didnt know her depression there.. i was act like im okay and like nothing happened. i  was saying like ‘hey i saw your favorite movie in the theater! is it worth to watch for me now?’ is it a good idea that i just texted her like that? i did that because i still want to be there for her.. and i miss her… and also because she ever told me that she wants to talk with someone and feel normal.

    #271789
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    but i really want to sleep… im so tired lately..and i cant stop crying, maybe i have to take it later.

    maybe, they always yelling at me though.. even since i was a kid. maybe im actually not that good enough. but anita, i usually go to the church these whole time in my life, but today. i was so fucked up and then yeah.. they’re yelling at me

    #271779
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    no, my dad is a doctor.. he have some medication in our house here, i also know some of that pills.. im just too tired, i want to go to sleep for a while, shoul i take it anita?

    so my parents wake me up while yelling at me in the morning (like usual) they asked me to go to the church.. but i was too depressed, too tired to go outside and meet some people like that and pretend that im okay… i also too tired to hold my tears whenever im out of my bedroom. so i told them that i dont want to go, and then my mom yelling and said that im such a weird person and she threatened me if im not get ouf my bedroom she’ll do something … i still dont know what she meant, but i know for sure she’ll stop talking with me from now on, because i was telling her to stop asking me to go to the church and i just keep staying in my bedroom until now, now its 8.14 pm anyway. but seriously she was really so rude..

    #271771
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    yes maybe it’s right..but to be honest i still really love her… so much.. im also worried about her being stuck with that depression again forever you know?

    i think when i was 12 years old..or i guess younger than that.. i dont know exactly when but im still remember that when im so young..i already feel like im useless, i already hate anything about myself.

    sadly i cant sleep anymore…should i back to eat that pill again to make me sleep?

    oh and also i just got another fight again with my parents today, i feel so fucked up

    #271767
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    Mark im sorry if i sounds such an asshole here…. i was just feeling so down.. i cant even do anything anymore, everything i do just makes me even more sad. that’s why i didn’t write something here..

    but im sorry, i cant just make her as someone in the pst just like that..especially after i know that she asked me to leave her because she thinks that she’s a burden to me…

    #271763
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    exactly, i always think like ‘we’re all gonna die anyway’ that’s why i want to die so badly, you know.. all of this is too much for me, that’s why i want to make it happen sooner.

    i dont know all of my pain will end or not, i feel i’ll always be like this…im already broken.. im fucked up. so what’s the point anymore? nothing in this life is worth to live for.

    i really love her so much, because she’s so different than anyone that i’ve ever met. she really have such a good heart, she’s so lovely, she have a good sense of humor, she’s smart, she can make me feel like i have some support and hope on keep living my life you know? i always feels like anything could happen when im with her… and if you know me, im actually a person that not really that fast to fall in love with someone, i even dont trust to anything about love or relationship before i met her. she changed me to be a better person. but… unfortunately, her depression makes her become a different person. she’ll ignore everyone, based on what she told me.. she’s not just ignoring me.. she also ignore her parents whenever she’s depressed.

    so a couple hours ago, i just find out again she’s online there…and i was so mad and texted her there like “it’s so fun to find someone else in here, right?” then she told me she’s not looking for someone else here…she told me she didn’t know that i didnt trust her at all. and then she told me she’s talking with a gay guy there just to find someone to talk to, she said she’s trying to live her life and she’s trying to talk with random person there that didnt know about her mental illness just to feel normal for a while she said. and she told me, she cant do this anymore..she doesnt want to hurt me with her illness. she told me she’ll be always a burden for me and i will never live my life to the fullest if i keep in  a relationship with her. what have i done….did i make her feel uncomfortable this whole time? she told me i have to be happy with myself and live my life to the fullest, she ever told me that.. she’ll never change.. she told me she’s already that broken from that depression.

    anita i cant lose her… i love her so much, im sorry if im a little bit being an asshole here like trying to hide my problems here..but i really just feels like im hopeless..and i was also spent my time crying again..so it’s really hard for me to write here……

    i love her..i dont want her to go.what should i do?

    #271723
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    i don’t know what to say anymore anita… she left me again. i feel like it’s getting even worse and i feel like there’s nothing worth to live rn.

    #271613
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    before i met this woman, i actually have some plans.. i used to have a plans like..get a job someday after i finished my study and then do everything what i want, do some bad and crazy things like drunk, using drugs, sleep with anyone i want to.. then kill myself. believe it or not,that’s my plans.. and i used to think about this plans like when im 17-18 years old i guess….and  is it weird i feel so excited to think about that plans and im so excited to just kill myself in the end? , i already hate my life that much even before i met her. but after i met her i feel so happy and somehow im not thinking about that dumb plans anymore, after i met her i always think about to meet her there in her country and then spend my whole life with her.  i dont know what to say about my life anymore anita… im so lost and confused right now, i dont know who i am, i dont know should i keep living or not, i dont kow what my life is…

    #271605
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    yes i live with my parents, i have a brother but he’s in another city. my parents usually not at home, im alone. im not employed, im 19 years old and im just a college student. i usually just listening to some music and maybe sometimes just stare at nothing and sometimes i’ll just think about anything too much. i dont have any plans anymore.

    #271599
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    last night i fell asleep at 4 am, then when i woke at 7 am.. i checked on my phone and it turns out she replied my text at 5 am. i didn’t try to reaching for her anymore so far. i’ve ignoring everyone, i’ve turned off my phone.. i think i’ll turned it off for some months or even more, idk it’s the right decision or not. i still feel so fucked up to be honest, i kinda feel that suicidal thoughts back again, especially in the middle of the night.. i cant sleep.

    #271545
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    hey..  as you may know.. i was feeling a little bit better, but i just find out that she’s back online on that dating site for a long time.. but she’s still ignoring me on whatsapp. I honestly feels like getting back into that depression.. i feel like im useless, and i feel like im not good enough for her this whole time. i feel so tired now, i just want to sleep for a long time until i forget about her… but now, to be honest I’ve losing some sleep these weeks…I’ve tried to take some rest now but idk why i keep picturing her with someone new, and it hurts so bad. im stuck…i cant live with this anymore  it’s too much

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Agnes1205.
    #271535
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    and lastly, should i still give her a birthday gift? I’ve ever promised her to payback what she ever give to me in my birthday.. i know this question might be sounds silly, but im still questioning this to myself..

    #271521
    Agnes1205
    Participant

    yes i have…i always go to her place whenever i need someone to talk to, but sometimes she just gave me some advice like i have to hate everyone and just stop caring for anyone, and sometimes I’ll just confused what should i do. and also yes sometimes i have some activities to do, but sometimes it’ll just makes me even more depressed than before or just feels like im so tired.. i hope someday I’ll get better.. i don’t know for sure.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23 total)