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I feel like there is no way out

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  • January 1, 2019 at 5:26 am #271781
    Jacko
    Participant

    Hello people from the internet. My name is Jack and I am 17 year old guy. I know, teenage love and firsr love almost never work out. But I feel like I got stuck in a loop. Do you think you could help me a bit please? maybe even writing this will help me a lot, ill just cry it out and then well i dont know.Just a short kinda backstory, maybe it will help you understand. Well I had a amazing relationship with a girl that I adored very much for maybe about a year. Then my shy me said “Hey man, you gotta do something, like she is perfect” and I did. She was kinda shy and introverted with not many friends except our classmates and family. It took us half a year to get into relationship. It was beautiful natural transition between barely knowing each other to amazing friendship and relationship. But I was not happy with myself and she kinda was. I was looking for happiness in her and I didnt realize it. we didnt think it was much of an issue since she was always there and we would just talk about our problems, mostly with me crying to late night. But in half of august my anxiety and depression started kicking in again. and this is where it started to go downhill. sometimes I wasnt even able to function normally as she had to pick me up from the street and carry me to her home. Solve problems that man in a relationship is supposed to be doing. I just started to look like looser to her and after two months of me starting to get worse and worse every day she ended it. It was too much for her. even though three days before breakup she said that im perfect and she is super grateful for me, she ended it. School, me, fights with herself. And I got devastated (this happens after break up right?). It got me kinda motivated but I feel like it was only temporary. Im still not happy and my chronic suicidal thoughts are starting to get annoying. I dont think it is that bad. Here is my family, and she is such an angel that suicide would completely devastate her life. I dont think she would ever get past over it. Now to the issue.

    I was not talking to her for few weeks, i tried to get myself working again. Then i wrote her a letter that we still have a lot of things in common and it would be a shame to completely end our friendship. It made her cry, she was crying like a baby. Then we would just talk and after a month we started discussing the possibility of getting back together. I said i think it could work and that we should give it a try. and she said she would like to wait a little bit more. and my “ADHD instant gratification impatience” started screaming. I was confused. I was hopeless. If she wants to be with me she would not want to wait. and it got me confused. after that we did not talk too much. After two week she said lets try to forget what happened, but we still did not talk. she got me a perfect gift. MY favourite toy from my childhood, it was perfect! I thought that if she did not really care, none of this would happen. And to the last night. Or todays night. new years eve. her brother is my best friend and I was invited, so I came. we didnt talk much. but after celebrating we spent 5 hours in her room. We talked just as we normally would. Then she said that last three weeks proved to her that this relationship is a “no”. And i was feeling the same, sort of. I wanted her, but I was so angry and confused I felt like letting go. but I could not let go for more than two weeks… Then it just happened. We started discussing our past, how we felt when we met, we discussed sad and happy memories, we talked about future. Then we just started hugging, laying down on her bed talking about us, sometimes we just caressed each other, we were holding hands. It felt so peaceful and unforced. It felt like as we said no and escaped from the What if, we just started to be truly honest. But it was still weird. I didnt hold her hand or stroked her hair in three months and now she wast “just”an ex. I could not get past over the fact that this is over. Sun started raising and I just spent entire morning talking with my ex. While holding hands. But for the first time after i wasnt confused. somehow. And yes, it happened. “Last goodbye kiss”. yes. We made out, not just kiss. after that she just cuddled under my hands, hid her head on my chest, and she was just lightly stroking my hair. Boom. knock knock. Whos there? CONFUSION! Oh hello! I spend last three hours crying, that this is not supposed to end. It cannot. Our conversation was so beautiful and sad at the same time and then this “Physical” things happened. I dont know what to do. I dont want to lose her. But i cant be only friends with her. It sucks. Its m first love. I am an unstable teenager. It is somehow funny, but sad. But still funny. I look around but I just cannot find anybody who fits me this good. I apologize for lengthy post, and for my english. I am not a native speaker and lot of things are probably repeating. I hope someone here will understand. I want to get out of this hole, with relationship and with myself…

    January 1, 2019 at 5:44 am #271787
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jack:

    You wrote that when in the relationship with her, you cried late at night, and in August, “my anxiety and depression started kicking in again… sometimes  I wasn’t  able to function normally as she had to pick me  up from the street and carry me to her home”-

    -your significant anxiety and depression preceded your first relationship with a girl, started before you met her, kept  going  while in the relationship, and is  still ongoing.

    When  did it  start, what is it  about and did you attend psychotherapy?

    anita

    January 1, 2019 at 8:37 am #271879
    Jacko
    Participant

    Hello Anita. I was diagnosed with depresion in fall of 2017. When The relationship was forming, it calmed down, I didnt need any meds and I was kinda fine. Recently i started visiting psychotherapist but the only thing we keep talking about is her. I just cant get over the fact that she doesnt want me anymore. and just wants to be friends and then things like today night happen. and i just dont know what to do. I dont want to be here anymore. Life and people around are just laughing everytime I stumble. Its like a reality show.

    January 1, 2019 at 8:43 am #271883
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jack:

    When we are depressed, new  people in our lives, new places, exciting experiences, these make us feel better temporarily (“When The relationship was forming, it calmed down, I didn’t need any meds and I was  kinda fine”), but the  depression returns sooner or later.

    Your anxiety and depression were formed before you met her, in the  context  of your relationship with a parent/s. You didn’t talk about it  yet in therapy. Do you want to share  about it here?

    anita

    January 1, 2019 at 10:09 am #271907
    Jacko
    Participant

    Well, i dont know. Maybe it is a fear of future. Maybe it is my parents divroce. maybe its me being neutral to both parents. i dont know why, i just envy my friends parents. They are watching movie together,  their parents are super helpful and open. and i just have a feeling that i dont love my parents. i would like to but i dont want to. It may have to do something with me being super duper hyperactive and diagnoesd with ADHD, parents were treating me like ordinary kid and I didnt always understand them. I was being shouted at grounded for many things that seemed normal to me. but apparently werent

    January 1, 2019 at 10:50 am #271913
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jack:

    Before you stopped feeling love for your parents, you loved them very much.  Every child does. It  is natural.  We are  born to love our parents, and so we do. But when they don’t love us back, we  feel hurt again and again, so we stop feeling that love, so to hurt less.

    You had ADHD, you wrote and your parents shouted at you, raised their voices and shouted at you knowing you were diagnosed  with ADHD? I mean, didn’t the diagnosis cause  them to  be more gentle with you?

    anita

    January 2, 2019 at 6:42 am #271985
    Jacko
    Participant

    Hey Anita, sorry for my late response. No it did not. My father was more gentle and he is the one with which i can go on a wal or geocaching, but with my mother (I live with her) wasnt. she has very fragile personality, and when something doesnt go her way you would think she lost her mind. She screams, calls me an idiot and so on. In my childhood she has been solving everything with slaping me and grounding me. You got a bad grade? No friends for a week. But I must admit when I was buliied at school, she was the one who stood for me. She forced dumb and blind school principal to look into it. But school didnt care. Then she called Police department and “The organ for protecting kids etc.” and then things started to get better. But still I remember running away from her and screaming “dad!!” and when he came home I just ran to him and higged him so hard… Thats what I remember.

    January 2, 2019 at 7:08 am #271989
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jack:

    You and I have a few  things in common, one of which is that  my  mother too bullied me (“She screams,  calls m e  an idiot… slapping me”), and she protected me from other bullies, getting very angry when someone  else bullied me. It was as if … she wanted to be the only bully in my life, no competition.

    “I remember running away from her and screaming ‘dad!!’ and when  he came  home I just ran to him and hugged him  so  hard”- you were scared of her. Aren’t you still scared of her?

    In your original post  you shared  about your ex girlfriend: “We made out.. she  was just lightly stroking  my hair.  Boom.  knock knock. Whose  there? CONFUSION!” – was the confusion about being treated gently, lovingly, like you were some times by your mother and then she turning  against  you viciously, as in how can these two behaviors go together, or what does it  mean if she  does both ?

    anita

    January 2, 2019 at 12:55 pm #272037
    Jacko
    Participant

    Yeah I might be. I dont share almost anything thing with her. We dont talk very much. Yes the confusion came by being trated gently but by an ex girlfriend that said she doesnt want a relationship and iÍ thought she doesnt have any feelings for me anymore. Its true that he break up was the biggest attack anyone coud use agaginst me. she had my trust, I was sharing everything with my ex. Their house felt more like a home than my home. I dont know.

    January 2, 2019 at 1:28 pm #272039
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Jack:

    In your  original post you wrote: “if she wants  to be with me she should not want  to wait”- true love is patient, if  she truly loves you she will  want  to wait. It  is desperation, not love, that makes us rush, makes  us want  to be  with a person right-now-and-no-matter-what.

    Did you attend and can you  now attend quality psychotherapy?  Maybe if you do, and if it helps you a lot, then she will have what she  is  waiting for, a less desperate, more patient you?

    I will  be away from the computer  soon for the next  fifteen hours  or so. I hope to read from you when I am back. Please  be good to yourself!

    anita

     

    January 2, 2019 at 5:24 pm #272059
    Jacko
    Participant

    Dear Anita.

    She wanted to wait. But our relationship wasn’t so good since breakup. Spending time together was amazing. But we both did not understand each other’s behavior and we just got angry at each other. Sometimes I didn’t speak to her sometime it was me. But being with her was just making me feel good. Because she knew me. We had conversations I wouldn’t ever have with by best friends. But on New year’s Eve. We both agreed that with this behavior our relationship is not possible and we called it a day. For good. But after that it happened what I explained in original post. We got close. Physically. Very close. After I wrote this post we went out. But It was awkward a numb. We again said No. It is basically done. Maybe if life wants it. Or of she’s the one life will find a way back to each other. And we agreed not to talk. I don’t think she would want to hear from me in the future

    January 3, 2019 at 6:03 am #272093
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jack:

    I misunderstood, I thought that the last communication with her was about being friends, not boyfriend-girlfriend, but  friends. So what  happened is that a few days ago, after the physical intimacy, she wanted to have  no contact at all with  you and you agreed to it. Did I understand correctly this  time?

    If I understood correctly, I don’t trust that the relationship is over at this point. Maybe it is, but too soon to tell.  The good thing you had  with her were those conversations: “We had conversations I wouldn’t ever have with by best friends”, and it reads to me that you were respectful  toward each other. Honest, open conversations plus respect is a whole  lot  of promise in an intimate relationship.

    A very different kind  of a relationship than the one with your mother with whom honest, open conversations are not possible and respect on her  part toward you doesn’t exist (“She screams, calls me  an idiot and so on..”)

    So you do have something positive going for you, your ability and  willingness to communicate honestly, openly and respectfully.

    Like  you wrote, it got too much  for her,  understandably, to have to pick you up from the  streets when you had some mental breakdowns, if I understood correctly. If only you were  able to lower the burden on her by controlling your behavior better so to not put  more burden on her than she can handle.

    anita

     

    January 4, 2019 at 8:59 am #272241
    Jacko
    Participant

    We talked about being boyfriend girlfriend.  Said no and then the intimacy happened. after saying no. Yes, you understood correctly :). It might not be over. We may end like friends, but I dont feel like being able to be friends. My mental state is crumbling. Its just i feel like I lost myself. Its hard to get motivation for me and now I dont have any. Maybe its partly because of my ex. Mother still asks me how I am, and feeling absolutely terrible, not going to school and almost not eating for past 3 days, I must admit she is starting to bother me. not proud of that. She would help me but i dont want to. She is just somehow bothering me. I probbly osund like a spoiled whiny brat but. Oh. Who knows maybe I am. I dont have mood for anybody. And I hate myself for having this mood. I know there are ups and downs. But this down is starting to be quite long and unbearable. Plus this typical feeling that I will never fall in love again. yes. you know that. and then my impatience. i want somebody right know, but i dont want anyone. I even stopped meditating for no reason. Oh, I just realized its been two weeks when i last meditated. things are going downhill pretty quick. very quick. My next psychotherapy visit is in two weeks and I dont think i will make it to that day. Its gotten out of control.

    January 4, 2019 at 9:08 am #272247
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jack:

    I don’t think you are a “spoiled brat” for not wanting to be bothered by a woman who screamed at you repeatedly and  called  you an idiot. No one feels like confiding to a yelling person, or a person who may yell at anytime. So please, don’t add unjust guilt to how badly you already feel.

    You need to talk to someone (who doesn’t and  will not yell, I can’t stress this enough…) and your next therapy session is too far off. Well, I am here. Type away. I will be here  for the next couple  of hours or so, maybe  more. Type away, I will read and reply.

    It is not a good idea to contact your ex  girlfriend now, because it will  only overwhelm her yet again to hear you in a bad state.

    I was wondering just now if you take any medications, and  if so, what are they, also tell me  more about what has “gotten our of  control”?

    anita

    January 4, 2019 at 2:19 pm #272325
    Jacko
    Participant

    I wont contact her. When we were talking for the last time I was honest to her. She knows I still like her, she know Im not okay and she knows she has part in it. lot of things that are bothering me i explained in my last post. Its like i know there are people who are way worse on it than me. But this just doesnt cut it. The feeling when you think no one is coming trough a bigger pain. I complain for being lonely, but I just expect people ot come to me. Its not how it works. To keep friends you have to work on it. I am a big procrstinator. I might be clever, but im lazy and I complain for being lazy but i dont do anything against it. Thats what I do best. Complain. Complain on others, complain on myself.  i feel selfish.

     

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