Hello Mark!

Thank you, but it is hard to give yourself nice things. You know. Bad grades at school? Boom, dumb. If I forget to do osmething, which I do all day, Im super scatter minded, then I get just shouted at and so on. There are not many things I can do, in everything I am maybe an average, maybe slightly under average. Ill try to check the book tonight, but I can say now I will mostly forget. Maybe I should write it down. I meditated for two months every morning and every evening, during christmas holiday, I totally lost this habit and I cannot force myslef to even find five stupid minutes to meditate. I run regurarly, strangely I can find energy for that, but to say that its giving me something, wouldnt say.

To Anita:

To your first question, it might be mother. it might be my classmates. They seem to care, but in the end the just cared to spread the word around. So technically they only cared to hurt me even more.

Somehow ungrateful to everything and everyone. It feels like i dont value things around me. I bought mysel a guitar today. Do you think I was grateful for a brand new acoustic guitar? No, it was just like “I worked, well, now its all gone on this guitar. Meh.” I get new clothes, again, silent thank you, then i feel guilty because i dont think i deserve it. My friends try to keep me up sometimes, i talk to them about my problems, but thats all. like i need them just to talk about my things – and this is the third answer. When something is not my way, I subtly and unconsciously try to lead the thing to be my way. its just like I am A ball of the worst emotions packed into narcisstic package, i dont know.

Hello. Yes, ve are talking about materialistic things. I am materialistic, I know it, but still to lazy to do something about it. Well, maybe I do. I thought having someone who will want ot talk to me will help. But it is even worse. I met a girl with whom i have a lot in common, but she keeps texting me almost every hour and is sometimes super negative about herself. since now I thought someone like this will help me to feel more “normal”, but no. I just feel worse. Like someone is being annoying. And Im in a position where saying “no” or “please leave me be for a while” would make her feel sad. I dont want that, but I also wnat her to leave me alone for a while. So here we go, having someone who cares is bad as not having anyone. What now? I might learn to love myself, but there is a lack of motivation to do anything, I skipped two days at school, because i dont even wanted to get out of bed. I dont have motivation to gain motivation. Maybe I want to be loved, but by someone I will love too. But here it is. Someone comes and Im like “no, go away” i dont feel any empathy for her, and that makes me feel even more weird. Ill cut it for now, I feel like I am talking nonsense.

Hello! Sorry for my late reply, few last days were pretty hectic. I hope you didn’t have up on me. Well, it all ended. I’m in psychiatric hospital and I don’t know for how long. Inwas driving with mother to session and on the way we were supposed to stop to pay.for my yoga classes. I was.supposed to navigate but fell asleep because I didn’t sleep the night before. Then she got angry because.i didn’t tell her the way and then when she missed two turns shemsaid it’s because I’m so silent. Obviously she was angry and wanted me to feel the same. Somehow I exploded and.instead of ”being silent” I started to shout the directions. Then I somehow started headbanging against the car door, like a.lottle child. We then ended on psychotherapy, not only me but her too. With the thing that she cannot take care of me anymore and for an hour and glad I was listening to how bad I am. The therapist tried to somehow encourage me, but the only thing I wanted was to end myself. So I just listened. And the next morning we went to hopsital. So I guess this is the end for now. Or maybe a new start. My plans have been destroyed I just lay in bed, it isn’t so bad, but.. well.

Yes. That’s what mostly happened. I don’t know why I have so many problems calming my anger I those situations. I am here to get myself fixed. But I have a lo of free time, so I started meditating again and started being a bit productive. Still I’m technically in asylum.