Dear Anita,
I hope the beginning of the new year has been treating you well. I have taken my time to reply as I wanted the dust the settle.
>Often after an epiphany, great idea, or awakening there is a high. A euphoria a feeling of invincibility or just a plain “ah ha” moment.
Yet, after the dust settles does this persist? What happens when the nights get cold, work gets hard, and it know longer feels new and glorious.
“>Well that is when the reality of the change presents. Does the change persist – or is it backpeddled into old habits? Did procrastination take over? Does the epiphany even have value anymore?

>In my case the understanding of my sister – and number 2 was this realization. This wasn’t a glorious jubilee. This is real life. This is the reality of the trauma, torment, and dysfunction that is my family. That is above all – my mother first- and all else that follows.

>I will say Anita- it has been incredibly difficult. A huge setback. It feels as though we are back there when we were tackling number one. Anger. Resentment.  Harboring of negativity.

“>Well it makes sense. As this is the second part. It must be attended to – and it’s not going to be pretty.
>I know 100 percent that what we spoke about is true. And in fact I feel much better when I hardly communicate with my sister at all. The proof is in the pudding. So much of my interaction with her was based out of guilt, desperation, and obligation. Yes, the times we had “fun” were simply just breaks from dysfunction. No it’s not really ever fun. I don’t find her funny. I don’t enjoy her stories anymore. I am not guiding her path.
I have let her free. Sure she will be in my life in some way. But NO where to the degree she was just a few weeks ago. She doesn’t fit. And neither do I. It simply does not work.

>My husband and I have wounds from this number 2 as well – along with the plethora from number 1, the saga that is my parents. We have separate wounds he and I. And joint ones.
>Or separate ones consist of his unwavering support of my family and sister, but it being a bottomless pit that keeps taking – an emotionally exhausting and deprecating way to live. Mine are – well that’s a whole other thing. Our joint ones – are anger. Resentment.
>That we can travel all over the world and feel some semblance of “relaxation” and come back to what. To drama. Trauma. Ridiculousness.

To come back to emotional exhaustion.

>So yes we can heal and rebuild. But how many times? The ups and downs.

My sleep is better than when I was very involved with my sister before the new year. It is not great and that will take time or perhaps will always be a struggle. It is better. Which I am glad about.
>I worked very hard over the past few months to release negativity, anger, resentment, “snapping” irritability. It is a day in and day out project of awareness and patience. And I made progress. I did.
“>Now I am back. I must start again. Because I feel just as I did before any progress.
And that makes me even more frustrated. It sure does.
>But I shall persist. So will my husband. But I am tired.  I am so so tired.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.