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Dear Anita,
I hope the beginning of the new year has been treating you well. I have taken my time to reply as I wanted the dust the settle.
>Often after an epiphany, great idea, or awakening there is a high. A euphoria a feeling of invincibility or just a plain “ah ha” moment.
Yet, after the dust settles does this persist? What happens when the nights get cold, work gets hard, and it know longer feels new and glorious.
“>Well that is when the reality of the change presents. Does the change persist – or is it backpeddled into old habits? Did procrastination take over? Does the epiphany even have value anymore?>In my case the understanding of my sister – and number 2 was this realization. This wasn’t a glorious jubilee. This is real life. This is the reality of the trauma, torment, and dysfunction that is my family. That is above all – my mother first- and all else that follows.
>I will say Anita- it has been incredibly difficult. A huge setback. It feels as though we are back there when we were tackling number one. Anger. Resentment. Harboring of negativity.
“>Well it makes sense. As this is the second part. It must be attended to – and it’s not going to be pretty.
>I know 100 percent that what we spoke about is true. And in fact I feel much better when I hardly communicate with my sister at all. The proof is in the pudding. So much of my interaction with her was based out of guilt, desperation, and obligation. Yes, the times we had “fun” were simply just breaks from dysfunction. No it’s not really ever fun. I don’t find her funny. I don’t enjoy her stories anymore. I am not guiding her path.
I have let her free. Sure she will be in my life in some way. But NO where to the degree she was just a few weeks ago. She doesn’t fit. And neither do I. It simply does not work.>My husband and I have wounds from this number 2 as well – along with the plethora from number 1, the saga that is my parents. We have separate wounds he and I. And joint ones.
>Or separate ones consist of his unwavering support of my family and sister, but it being a bottomless pit that keeps taking – an emotionally exhausting and deprecating way to live. Mine are – well that’s a whole other thing. Our joint ones – are anger. Resentment.
>That we can travel all over the world and feel some semblance of “relaxation” and come back to what. To drama. Trauma. Ridiculousness.To come back to emotional exhaustion.
>So yes we can heal and rebuild. But how many times? The ups and downs.
My sleep is better than when I was very involved with my sister before the new year. It is not great and that will take time or perhaps will always be a struggle. It is better. Which I am glad about.
>I worked very hard over the past few months to release negativity, anger, resentment, “snapping” irritability. It is a day in and day out project of awareness and patience. And I made progress. I did.
“>Now I am back. I must start again. Because I feel just as I did before any progress.
And that makes me even more frustrated. It sure does.
>But I shall persist. So will my husband. But I am tired. I am so so tired.
Dear Anita,
I was tired today, I am tired today. But I would like to write. It is in times when we feel exhausted and defeated that we can look at our villains in the face. We can say enough – don’t torture me.
But who is it that is the “torturer.”
Often it feels like one’s own mind. Our mind agonizing, creating fear, our own self sabotage. But as you dig further – and you learn your patterns, it becomes obvious that we are tortured by all that does not serve us. To stay on this path. Our inner self, our “being” I will call it – it knows very well what we need. and so all else outside of that will continue to torture us until we listen.
Sometimes I find that this may be too simplistic. “so what – cut everything out?” “so what – live in a cocoon?”
But I see today, that often (in many cases) it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. The way that my mother taught me, the way that many unstable people think. That it is love or hate, good or bad. Of course, as spoken earlier, i was either good daughter, or horrible. Was there ever space for me to just be? Was there ever space for me at all?
And that is just it. I notice I need space for me. Space for what? For everything and nothing.
I was fed this delusion, believe this delusion, that because it was always about me – the golden child, the child who always got it right, the adult who succeeded, who never failed, was always liked, blah blah, etc etc. —- I believe that because all of this I had plenty of space for me. In fact TOO much even perhaps. But it is false. I had no space at all, because intricately woven into all this was my mother and the mother voice. It is a giraffe learning to walk, but carrying the dead weight of his mother before he even learns his first step properly. It is being on the podium to speak to accept an award, but being most concerned how to thank your mother. It is being told I am lucky and have it all, and feeling guilty that despite all this I was not happy – and being ridiculed about this – the irony.
No, there was never space for me. All of this, all of the above is simply life steps. They are not wholesome, they are not powerful, they are not healing. They do nothing for a human or a soul. I could have been in a concentration camp, or flying to the moon. My mother had control of the real estate that is me.
So you feel angry, and want to stay away from anyone or anything that smells like poison even the slightest.
But it doesn’t always work that way. And as an adult, we need to avoid, but also learn new tactics. Unlearn the faulty, and learn the useful.
And the way to gain that in this modern world – is not always going to be cutting things out, or living in a cocoon. But what it will be are boundaries. Good old solid boundaries.
unwavering. Yes, Anita I always did admire those that are unwavering. In many ways – I was too. Look how unwavering in support for my mother until just a year or 2 ago. Look how unwavering at keeping ties that did nothing good for me.
Yet, how WAVERING to the things that matter, my own definitions of good and bad. That at the age of 33 I am JUST starting to define them. No fault of my own – it is the way it is.
It feels fearful to be unwavering with boundaries. Why? Fear came from the place of my mother. “if you don’t do this, you will be alone.”
good is not here, it is over there. no there.. no not here. keep going —over there.
It will take a long time to undo this. It does not feel natural at times. It feels wrong, or rude. But my mother told me to denounce what is here, and jump to over there.
Well there is nothing at all over there. I checked. And I know now.
So hopefully my trust of this will follow…
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