I’ve always had a suspicion that my mom doesn’t like my fiancé, but she never really told me out right. Recently, we stayed at her place for a week and she kept trying to push his buttons on political topics (they have very opposing views) even though I had told them twice to stop talking politics or at least agree to disagree (my fiancé didn’t start the conversations but did respond when she kept pushing him). Eventually, over lunch, my mom lost it when my fiancé said something (I admit he shouldn’t have said, but often he thinks without speaking, and it can sometimes come across as rude). She called him ungrateful, that he thinks he’s “so great”,  that nothing is ever good enough… It was awful, I burst into tears.

A little back story: my parents are divorced and it was a very painful divorce. My dad has alcoholic tendencies, a personality disorder, really dragged out the divorce proceedings, and was emotionally abusive towards my mom. She is now doing well for herself, they don’t keep in contact and I’m more or less estranged from him.

I get the feeling that my mom is projecting her past trauma on to me and my fiancé. Although I think he needs to work on having more tact and being less brutal at times, my mom totally over-reacted and in the end, wasn’t even hearing what he was saying, which was an apology. I spoke to her today on the phone, and I can still sense the “hatred” towards my fiancé, she keeps making these implied statements about “people who do this…” and “people who think that…” referring to him. I feel like she’s disappointed in me for picking someone who in her view is rude and has the political views he has. It makes me so incredibly sad.

I feel devastaed and overwhelmed with this situation. Does anyone have any advice? Is there something I’m not seeing? I’m very happy otherwise in my relationship and life in general.