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Struggling with "break up"

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  • January 15, 2019 at 8:26 am #274689
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brianne:

    “He made it clear that he didn’t want anything serious because he just got out of a 4- year relationship”- meaning he didn’t want an exclusive bf/gf relationship with anyone.

    Then “he started to kick things up a notch”, talking ever day, complimenting you a lot, telling you how much he missed you, and suggesting you go back on birth control so that the two of you can experience more intimacy. The latter, for you, “really kicked things up a notch”-

    You figured that these behaviors, things he said meant that he is interested in moving the relationship with you toward exclusivity. I think that these behaviors indicate his style of interacting with women, not an interest in an exclusive bf/gf relationship.

    He probably compliments a number of women within a period of a day or a week, telling each one he misses her, etc. It doesn’t mean he is lying. He probably feels this way toward you at one time and toward another woman at another time.

    You suggested to travel to NYC to visit him, and he “appeared excited” and said he’ll contact you and make plans for your visit. He probably was excited about your suggested visit, then calmed down, got distracted by something else or someone else and forgot or lost the motivation to contacted you.

    When you talked “he would be either completely disengaged”- maybe checking social media, distracted by something else or someone else, “or all in (telling me how much he missed me..”- that’s when he was not distracted.

    Reads to me that he has been multi tasking, communicating with a number of women at the same time,  so  when he reached out to you and was focused on your lack of response, he sent you “a barrage of texts to see what I’m doing”. But then you texted him  and he knew you did and did not respond for hours and even a day, because he was otherwise engaged, multi tasking.

    His message for your birthday, to “the most beautiful girl” is in line with his Style. A style you mistook for an indication that he is moving toward an exclusive relationship with you.

    Do you agree with my understanding?

    anita

     

    January 15, 2019 at 8:49 pm #274823
    GL
    Participant

    Dear Brianne,

    I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this guy is clearly stringing you along and you are choosing to be an active participant.

    From the time you regained contact to the point of the physical relationship, he told you out right that he didn’t want an intimate, exclusive relationship. You conceded to that, but still chose to keep in contact with him. Then as he kicked things up, you started to dive deeper into this ‘friends with benefits’ relationship. You chose to fall even when your intuition warned you that it would end badly. And it probably became a game for him, a game to see how long you’ll stay as long as he continued to deliver words of sweet nothings to you on a basis that would keep you hook. As you continued to let yourself stay hook, you eventually put him on a pedestal of ‘in due course, a boyfriend’ but remember, he told you from the beginning that he did not want a serious relationship and you agreed to those terms. And the terms is friends with benefits with no serious commitment in the future.

    So the best course of action right now would be to end this ‘friends with benefits’ relationship since you clearly desire a serious relationship, but this ‘friend’ is not going to be the one who will commit to it. He does not really care for you, he cares about this fishing game. He has chosen to look at this relationship with you as a way to pass time because you chose to let him see you, the other person, as someone available and waiting for him to commit or at least text you back to let you know that he is still thinking of you, if only for a few minutes. You let yourself wait for him, wait for him to finally come around, but how long will he make you wait? And how long will you be waiting?

    The thing is, you didn’t advocate for yourself, you didn’t advocate for what you want, which is a serious relationship with this person who you knew briefly a few years back. But people change and you can only know the present person. No matter what you might think, you are not responsible for anyone’s actions, but your own. You also need to set down boundaries. When you set down boundaries for what you will or will not do, will the voice that tells you ‘that’s as good as it gets’ will be irrelevant, will seem illogical and very unkind to the present you. And you’ll be able to tell that voice that you don’t have to obediently do what it tells you to do because you will not cross your own boundaries. You’ve set down those boundaries for yourself as an act of self care and you will not cross them nor let anyone else cross them.

    You need to find ways to put value into yourself than the relationship with this person who only remember to text you when he deign it not a waste of his time. You need to learn to care for yourself first and foremost than to look for someone to ‘take care’ of your heart for you.

    Good luck.

    January 16, 2019 at 12:18 am #274833
    Mark
    Participant

    Brianne,

    I woke up this morning feeling like I totally screwed this up with him. I know deep down that’s not true. This relationship would never work out for the simple facts that he will not compromise, he’s too self involved, says things he knows I want to hear with no intention of following through, etc.

    You are your own best therapist if you re-read what you wrote.

    I assume that co-dependents need others for validation.  Validate yourself by accepting what you observed.

    Mark

    January 17, 2019 at 7:02 am #275099
    Brianne
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for your feedback and input. I’ve read through everything carefully and made the decision to move on. I ended things with him yesterday and while he was not happy about it, I know I need to stick to my belief that I deserve so much better than this.

    January 17, 2019 at 10:09 am #275149
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Brianne. Reads like you made a wise decision for yourself, congratulations!  Post again anytime you’d like.

    anita

    January 17, 2019 at 12:01 pm #275187
    Brianne
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita. I’ve gone through some up and down emotions (as I expect to) as a result, but I know deep down this is the best course for me. Above all else, I need to practice self love (which I’ve never been very good at) and know this is the first step in that process. I’m sure I’ll be checking in again soon. Thank you for your the support <3

    January 17, 2019 at 12:11 pm #275191
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brianne:

    You are welcome. I am curious about the specifics of your “practice (of) self love”. Post again today, tomorrow, a week or even month from now, anytime you want to and I will be glad to reply.

    anita

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