Dear Anita,

Yes, I remember my biological father often missing visits, being late or being reminded by my mother about my birthdays/school plays etc. I guess the older I got the more I understood that he wasn’t able to make the conscious effort to be a part of my life and instead had to be constantly monitored by my mother however I appreciated that he was still around until I turned 18 that is.

I remember things like him taking his new girlfriend to his sister’s (my auntie’s) wedding.. I was so upset. I often wondered why this new woman in his life was his priority and I could never be? I must admit though, it has been quite some years since me and him have had any contact at all and I don’t think about it often anymore – perhaps the reason why I didn’t think this played a part in who I am today but I am happy to explore that if it means that I can deal with these demons of mine.

In regards to my parents and their hopelessness, I don’t think that had much to do with the break up of my relationship itself although they understood that was difficult for me, rather it was about the amount of pain, trauma, betrayal etc around the break up. I suppose they never pictured their daughter, their own flesh and blood going from a healthy, loving relationship to being absolutely traumatised and broken to my core. I didn’t expect it either. I think as the whole situation went on for over a month there came a point where they too were tired and felt helpless as they wanted to do everything in their power to help me, to take the pain away and they just could not. But yes I do agree, although they too were hurting, perhaps they should’ve done it behind closed doors just as I did so that I didn’t have to witness it and as a result retrieve to healing on my own so to not witness them hurting again.

‘Without new understanding you are like a person in a dark room, bumping into walls or furniture, getting hurt and bruised. With empathy alone, you get something like: “oh, it hurts, let me put a Band-Aid on it, it will feel better soon”, but you keep banging into furniture and walls, keep getting bruised because you are still in a dark room!‘ I absolutely love this Anita, and it has felt like this for this for many months now. I am trying, I really am trying to understand this new ‘life’ that I am living, although it doesn’t feel like living much at all, it more feels like I am in autopilot just getting through my days because I have no other choice.