Thank you both, for your replies.

I am grateful to have the great opportunity to have access to all this.

Last days haven’t been the easiest. Even if it’s a really beautiful place I took with me whatever was wrong before when I was home. I expected that to happen of course.. but I somehow hoped it’s going to change.. at least a little. Not sure if it did.

The fact is.. It all comes in waves.. I just don’t feel like doing any kind of effort.. I don’t feel like sending cv’s, like going to places to ask for a job… it’s really  a vicious circle. I don’t feel like doing much but if I’m not doing much I feel frustrated and pressured.

I find myself crying sometimes.. it seems to calm me down and make me feel better. Sometimes I have these ups and downs.. I could wake up motivated and pretty okay and later on that day I will feel low and hopeless.. and I will cry. I end up thinking about going back home and starting some serious therapy..  maybe I need to take care of this first in order to be able to proceed in my life. But.. I am here now.. I spent a hell of a lot of my parent’s money to do all this..   I don’t know if I can do this.. and it somehow feels like I have a serious problem… and I feel like everyone else manages to exist and take care of themselves. I think I am still a kid.. I live pretty much the same.. and I don’t know If I can do this.

I sent a few applications to some rent a car companies in the airport..and some other stuff as well. But… I don’t even feel like I want to work… but in a way I want to.. I don’t know what I want.. I would’t say my life is so bad but.. I feel like there is something really wrong with me.. I seem to miss something. I seem to miss an important part of the puzzle.. And without that I cannot really function. Time passes and nothing really changes inside me… I tend to accept the present and procrastinate most of the time.  I like going out, drinking and talking to all kinds of people.. I feel good while I do that.. But when I have to apply for jobs,  look for jobs, or do any kind of progress towards that.. I turn lazy, numb, tired.. unmotivated. I don’t know what to do..

I feel like giving up so often.. like go back home. Sometimes I feel like just hiding in my room..( which I am not doing ).  I always tend to feel really low.. bad..and after 30 mins or so.. I switch my focus on something else and I feel fairly good again. So I wouldn’t say I am living in a constant state of depression.. It feels like I am just unaware of everything. I am aging and not doing anything.. time passes and I just float around.. I go for a run on the beach, I go to parties.. I spend my parent’s money.. but at the end of the day I start crying because I don’t accomplish anything.. or I simply forget about all the problems and act like everything is fantastic.  It’s.. hard to understand. Its pretty much like I don’t care about changing anything but in the same time I want to change a lot..

Right now… I feel really down.  And I feel like there is no hope for me to heal. Im going crazy.

It seems like I don’t want anything…  but why…