What kinds of things have you been doing to try to stop your thinking? Do you just let yourself get sucked into constantly thinking about it or have you found any ways that effectively distract you?

Writing the letters wasn’t a bad idea at all because it’ll help get the thoughts out of your head, but definitely don’t send them. I’d maybe even write your thoughts on paper and then burn them because I’ve heard writing letters and then burning them is pretty cathartic when it comes to releasing thoughts.

I also think your current relationship isn’t helping you with this any. You’re basically miserable right now, so it seems reasonable that you can’t help but think about the relationship that you were happiest in. You’re likely comparing the two a lot, right? So I think once you are finally able to get out of the situation you’re in, that will help some, too, when it comes to thinking about your ex.

Seeing her again and having her fall for you doesn’t have to be a fantasy illusion, but it’s definitely not a guarantee either, so it’s best to just be mindful of how your life is today and that she is not currently in it so it’s doing you no good to lament that you’re not together… and if the law of attraction says anything, it’s that emotionally feeling want only leads to more feelings of want (I believe this is why exes tend to show up out of the blue once you’re over them). Feelings of lack bring more lacking. That’s why it’s important to redirect your thoughts.

If you really have trouble getting your mind off of it, though, and it is causing you a lot of suffering, I really, really think you should see a counselor, even if just a safe space to get the thoughts out. I know you’re doing that here, too, but professionals really have a lot of knowledge and tools to help people to be able to counteract these thoughts.

One of the biggest things I think you should learn to do here that would help with your suffering is to detach from your ex. You’re still very, very attached. And I get it. It’s extremely hard to do and I don’t know if it can ever be fully done. I still have those days where I miss my ex very much and it makes me very sad, but I’ve worked hard on detaching, so those moments don’t last anywhere near as long as they used to and I get over them quite quickly. That’s probably where your goal should be, too. Feel it and let it pass quickly. Like… 10-20 minutes of sadness and then you feel good again type of quickly.

The point is to know that it’s okay to miss your ex sometimes and it’s okay to feel sad you’re not together, but you can’t let yourself drown in it. If you are, then you need to really, really work on detaching more. Get to the point where you feel like it would be awesome if life did lead you and your ex back to each other but you also truly understand and believe that there are other options out there and you feel truly open to them…. you just have to work on yourself in the meantime and your relationship with your girls and trust that you’ll end up where you need to be.

No matter what… right now, with the way your life is right now… it is NOT the right time for a reconciliation or for the right person to come along. You don’t have space in your life for the right person right now.  And you won’t have space until your current relationship ends plus a period of time where you’re single and are able to get back to being your true self.