Sam,

Frankly I think kissing someone is not cheating but that’s my view.  I would like to know more on why you kissed him.

You are conscious it seems about what you are doing since you are sharing that with us here.  You can change your behavior since you are conscious about what you do and don’t do, e.g. replying to text messages.

Insofar as the “why” you are sabotaging your relationships, look at your family-of-origin and how your parents are.  It seems like you have Fearful Avoidant Attachment – A person with a fearful avoidant attachment lives in an ambivalent state, in which they are afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others. They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to. They can’t just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings.

Mark