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I’m subconsciously ruining my new relationship

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Inky 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #288773

    Sam
    Participant

    So last year at the end of my final year of high school, I got a boyfriend in June. We had been together but not dating since March but finally started dating in June. We dated for 3 months until September before breaking up. But the reason we broke up was because of me, because I cheated on him with one of my good guy friends, when I kissed him at another friends party that my boyfriend was not at. I knew I had to tell him as soon as possible, and he was coming to stay at my house the next weekend with some other friends. On the Friday night we went clubbing and while we were at the club he wanted to talk to me. He said he knew something was wrong because I had been acting strange the whole day, and he then forced me to tell him, even though I really did not want to do it then as I didn’t feel it was the right place. I ended up having to tell him, and I will never, ever forget what his face looked like in the moment I told him. I have never seen anyone look so broken before, and it broke me even more because I knew I was the reason. I hated myself (and still hate myself) for it, for causing him so much pain. I cried myself to sleep every single night for 3 months after, and still occasionally cry about it now, 6 months after the fact. He hated me for 2 months but he has forgiven me now, which is more than I could ever have asked for. After everything I realized I still really liked him and hated myself for losing him, and found out he still liked me. I saw him again in December and we spoke about everything but he said we can never get back together because he can never trust me again. I know for a fact that I will never cheat again, I could never hurt another person like that again, after seeing his face. It’s now April 2019 and I have a new boyfriend. We have been dating for just over a month now and I really do like him, it’s just… sometimes when he goes out without me I feel like if he were to cheat on me, I would deserve it, and I would be crushed but I know that I deserve it, and sometimes hopes he does so I can get what I deserve. Also, sometimes I don’t reply to his messages for the whole day, and I think I’m subconsciously distancing myself, but I really don’t know why. I just want to know why I’m subconsciously trying to almost “sabotage” my new relationship and distancing myself.

    #288795

    Mark
    Participant

    Sam,

    Frankly I think kissing someone is not cheating but that’s my view.  I would like to know more on why you kissed him.

    You are conscious it seems about what you are doing since you are sharing that with us here.  You can change your behavior since you are conscious about what you do and don’t do, e.g. replying to text messages.

    Insofar as the “why” you are sabotaging your relationships, look at your family-of-origin and how your parents are.  It seems like you have Fearful <b>Avoidant Attachment</b> – A person with a fearful <b>avoidant attachment</b> lives in an ambivalent state, in which they are afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others. They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to. They can’t just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings.

    Mark

    #288841

    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Sam,

    I agree with Mark… I also don’t think kissing someone else at a party is ‘cheating’ either, not in a real sense.

    What is coming across to me here is that you are feeling extremely guilty over this incident, the one which led to the loss of the relationship.

    Now, in life, we all make mistakes. We are human and we fail sometimes. You are very young, and this was your first boyfriend?

    The only way to navigate through life is to learn by our mistakes. So, you made a mistake and now you want to punish yourself for it, because you want to somehow feel the pain that you inflicted on your first boyfriend. Meanwhile, he has forgiven you and moved on.

    So you are wanting this second boyfriend to be mean to you and think that if you somehow distance yourself, or wish that he would cheat on you, it would only be what you deserve.

    Do you think that, if this new bf actually does what you are wanting him to do that it will make you feel better about yourself? I can tell you now, that it won’t make much difference at all. Feeling better about ourselves actually comes from within, not from outside. I can understand why you want to push him away and make yourself suffer in that way though.

    All you really need to do is forgive yourself for that mistake you made (which wasn’t really the greatest crime, now was it?) You have learned a hard lesson in life and relationships, but you shouldn’t keep beating yourself up about it. Embrace this new relationship for what it is, and not because you want to, in some way, use this new boyfriend to punish yourself. Leave all the clutter of the past boyfriend behind you and let go of all that blame you’ve built up inside yourself and which is hindering your present life.

    You can’t change the past. You can’t change the future either. All we ever have is the moment we are living in right now. Let it go, stop thinking so hard, stop trying to punish yourself (and the new boyfriend – by getting him to react to a situation he has no knowledge of) and just enjoy this time with your new boyfriend.

    With best wishes,

    Jay

     

    #288843

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sam,

    There are many reasons not to Kiss and Tell. Hurting another person needlessly is one of them. You see, you did not HAVE to tell him. In a few years you will see that a high school kiss (even when you have a boyfriend) is, in fact, nothing/”nothing”. Your old boyfriend “forgiving” you yet “never trusting you again” is giving you a head trip.

    Also, you would probably have broken up by now anyway. These summer romances between high school and college rarely work out.

    Enjoy your nice new boyfriend who probably won’t cheat on you.

    YOU DESERVE IT!

    Best,

    Inky

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