Dear Josh:

You’ve been alone for a long time before this one date we are discussing, 2.5 years if I remember correctly? A long time of not having a together-experience with a woman. Then you have one date but it is a long, long date. You meet in a restaurant, then spend some time outside of the restaurant and then you go to your place, your home. During this long date she talks excitedly about plans she has with you, a bucket list of things to do, and that makes you feel good. In your place you play the guitar and she sings and then you have physical/ sexual closeness with her. It is a whole relationship condensed into one night. This is very different from the second date you had of spending a short time in one location, a restaurant and then going home alone.

This was an intense emotional experience for you, a together kind of experience, together with a woman. Now you are grieving the separation. It was “just that one night with her” but it was a long and meaningful night to you.

“I hadn’t expected at all that this girl would have such an effect on me”- the affect and effect she has on you has to do with her excitement during dinner and afterwards, her plans of being with you long term (that bucket list), so you imagined in your mind a long term relationship with her, a “this is it” possibility. You got all excited and hopeful yourself.

It really doesn’t matter that it was only one night, what matters as it relates to the pain of separation and rejection that you are experiencing is that you imagined it would be long term, you perceived it a likely possibility.

Can you tell me how it felt for you as a child, if you remember, to be together with your family, with your mother and/ or father, at times, when all were calm and seemed happy, that good the-sun-is-shining-and-the-flowers-are-blooming, all-is-well and no-worries kind of feeling?

anita