Thank you Anita. I know I had a pretty rough childhood in the early years, and I hate that it’s making me such a vulnerable and self conscious adult. I need a route out of this seemingly dark and endless tunnel. I’m trying to take my dog on more walks, exercising, and reduce harmful addictions. But so far it’s done nothing for my emotional state, and I still cry over this girl I barely know.

With the previous relationship, speaking with no emotion, as I’ve healed since, I think I took her for granted and did PLAN on eventually marrying her, I believe it was always in the back of my head that I may be able to do better. She was the aggressor and pursued me, so it made me wonder what kind of girl I’d be able to get if I pursued what I wanted instead. These weren’t fully realized thoughts that I had while in a relationship with her, and looking back, I would have felt differently if they would have been brought out to the surface, but I think they were pretty deep and it may have kept me from fully committing.