Dear Anita,

Not judging ourselves for not feeling it any longer, how true. In fact every single time I feel a glimmer of some feeling, I remind myself, it is good I felt something, I don’t have to grasp onto tightly to it. By the nature of feeling it, that in and of it self is progress. By grasping onto it and trying to recall it, I don’t make the growth any stronger. Let it ebb and flow as nature intended. The healing is happening whether I direct or not. The emotions will come as the process continues.

The concept of my mother being a strong being, feigning weakness is very important. It is a new topic of hours this week, and it has very big consequences. It teaches me that her entire act of being weak brought out  weakness in me, in the context of my relationship with my mother, only I suffered. So she may have suffered in the context of her relationships with other people.  But for my journey, the only thing that matters is that in that relationship with myself, it was only I who suffered.

Are used to spend a lot of time thinking about what made my mom this way, did all of the horrible things that happened to her make her into an abusive person. Did it hardened her so much that it made her cold and mean, and made her project her burdens onto us? But the more I progress the more I realize it doesn’t matter. Not everyone chooses to act the way that she did to her own children. If everyone did, we would have a world of serial killers and terrible people.  The point is, my focus has to be the effect it had on me. If she feigned weakness throughout her entire life with me, but did feel weak often throughout her entire life. That means nothing in the context of my relationship with her. I suffered. I was given this role of being super based on a lie. I was told to be the strong one because she was weak. But the truth is she was never truly weak. She made me weak, and never gave me the time to recharge, but made this battered person fight a battle daily. A battered human being being sent to war daily.

I think about what it means to actually sit with somebody. Actually sit with somebody and talk. This never happened. I was always being talked to that. I was never being talked with. If I had the floor, and I was able to talk as much as I wanted to, I was being scrutinized and Judged. I was entertaining her  I wanted to run home with good news to make her happy, this weak little thing, look how much strength can help you, uplift you.  Look how my abilities can make it all better for you. As you said earlier Anita,, look how my dedication to you can bring you the revenge that you always deserve. Watch me go out there and fight your battles for you, don’t you worry. I am super – and I am strong. Or so I thought. I was told. Yes I was told I had the strength to persevere and keep pushing. Fighting battles I was never supposed to.