Give yourself time. And also, rejection leads to obsession. F them both.

Dear Michelle:

Regarding “The secret internal anxiety was extreme” while dating this man, maybe it felt so overwhelming to you that you thought it was visible and audible, that he could sense it and therefore he broke up with you.

I am thinking he probably didn’t sense your anxiety because he didn’t spend much time with you  and because he was experiencing his own significant anxiety. He probably had his own “secret internal anxiety” and didn’t see yours.

I am guessing it is his anxiety, not yours, that led to him breaking up with you. What do you think?

anita

Dear Michelle:

I will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours. I was wondering if you can share more about your anxiety, the history of your anxiety- did it start as a result of your relationship that ended Feb this year, or did it start before that relationship started?

My significant anxiety started in my childhood, early on and it appeared in every part of my life all through adulthood, like a wildfire setting  everything in its way on fire, work, relationships, everything.. with occasional breaks of calm.

I would like to read more about your anxiety. If you do share more here, I will read and reply to you when I am back. I hope you feel better soon!

anita

Dear Michelle:

Here is what you shared: February this year a long term relationship ended for you. The first 2.5 months of the breakup (Feb-April) were “utter hell”. You started dating to distract yourself, “wasn’t into the men… didn’t want to be touched by anyone”. But you did like the 4th guy you dated and he pursued you. Sometime following the first month of getting to know him, you found out that the two of you “had so much in common, and we had great conversations. He was intense, smart, and exciting”. You started to fall for him, “caught feelings for him”, especially after becoming intimate with him. The two of you agreed to “be exclusively intimate but to still casually date to see where it went”.

Once you realized that you caught feelings for him, you became “internally anxious”, looking for evidence that he is still into you without telling him that you were, you initiated most of the conversations, tried to “play it cool” but you are worried that maybe he sensed your anxiety. The two of you were “always kind and respectful to each other”, never argued, but you worried the short relationship would end soon, and the “secret internal anxiety was extreme”.

He worked as an investment banker long hours, maybe as many as 100 hours per week. He complained to you about his job and “he worried about his long hours and ability to provide something meaningful” to you. So you wanted to help him and to make it possible for him to have more time to see you and arranged for him an interview for a job in finance with a more relaxed schedule.

A few days ago you offered him via text to bring home cooked food to his office because he was working late and he answered that he no longer wanted to see you because of his work and “he sensed that I wanted something more”, that “His life was too unstable to provide me with consistency and stability”.

You now “obsess over how my anxiety probably pushed him away, or how maybe he never even liked me to begin with… wondering if he will ever pop into my life again”. You feel “really depressed and disappointed. At times.. mentally incapacitated”.

My thoughts: if the anxiety, depression and the feeling of being mentally incapacitated continues, it will be a good idea for you to look for quality psychotherapy, at least short term.

Reads to me that his work was a major part of his subjective emotional distress. After all he complained to you about it on the second date. Maybe when he met you he thought he could handle a casual relationship or maybe more, over time, but his work schedule proved him otherwise. Maybe he is a  very considerate person and didn’t want to be physically intimate with you without giving you a consistent and stable relationship, just like he told you.

I think it may be a good idea to ask him. To ask him why he broke up with you. Let him know you are asking just for information, not so to get back with him. You want to know because you need to understand, and you will greatly appreciate if he takes the time to answer you honestly. Let him know that you are not intending to start a back and forth conversation, you only want this one answer, his honest, truthful answer.

What do you think about my suggestion?

anita

Dear Michelle:

You are welcome. The comment he made, if you feel comfortable to say something about that comment, about its content, what it was about, generally, if not specifically?

And his relentless apologizing about that comment, what did he say when apologizing?

anita

Dear Michelle:

About sex and using people- there is something in sexual activity itself that is using people. When a man has sex with a woman, be it a woman he just met and it being a one time thing, or a woman a man married twenty years before and loves dearly, the sex itself is still using the woman’s body for the man’s sexual pleasure and release. (Same for a woman using a man’s body for sexual pleasure and release).

In other words, for a man, using a woman’s body for sexual purposes and loving her, these two things are not mutually exclusive.

From what he told you when he was drunk I figure he experiences deep despair in his life, a disappointment with people, a betrayal or series of betrayals he experienced with people. So he is inclined to favor animals whose lack of deceit is something that he is drawn to.

I tend to think, based on the little information that I have, that he was not deceitful toward you, and that is why he broke up with you, he didn’t want you to get hurt. He is not okay within himself, troubled somewhat, maybe deeply. He didn’t want to drag you into his trouble, is what I tend to think.

anita

You are welcome, Michelle.

anita