Trying to keep things short but that never works with me, lol.

My fiancee and I have been together for just over 2 years, and started living together 8 months ago.

He lost his job about 3 months ago and has been struggling with finding something new that pays well enough, and is something he will actually enjoy. He insisted not going back to a corporate job which I fully understand and support (I am also trying to leave my corporate job). He seemed ok with his job situation at first but it seems to bother him a bit now. I asked him what his plan was and he wants to wait until his unemployment is up before really “looking”. We have argued about this. We’ve also just dealt with an unplanned pregnancy and termination less than a month ago, and I know I haven’t been the most cheery during this time. He tells me he understands.

I used to be awful at communication. This man means the world to me and this relationship has taught me how important mindful communication is. The thing is, I have not excelled at this. Due to prior relationship trauma I feel like I need to “over-protect” myself and my insecurity will influence me to come off as a bit pushy and uncompromising when I feel I am the only one advocating for the relationship. I have been this way to him the past few months about my concerns wanting him to be more proactive with him finding a job in particular.

After a few weeks of distance, I confront him and ask him to communicate. He essentially breaks down and tells me he is confused on the direction his life is going and doesn’t know if he can be a good half to our relationship with the direction it is in now. He wants to live in a van outside of a casino and play poker (he’s very good, and playing poker is how he has been paying the bills). He knows I can’t do this because I have a dog and 2 cats (that he loves dearly). He says he doesn’t ever want to buy a house (not in relation to our relationship, but for himself in particular), doesn’t want to spend money on a wedding ceremony (we both wanted to elope, but family has been pressuring for more), does not want to take any vacations (we have one planned for later this year and I told him I understand if he can’t bring himself to go).I handled the conversation gracefully and expressed how much I love him and I want him to do whatever he needs to do to be genuinely happy, and that I love him more than I love homes, vacations, etc… I get very excited about “ideas”. Lately I’ve been zoned in on buying a house. He is very unconventional but is full to the brim with love and while I am a bit more practical than him, I don’t need those things either, and don’t have a strong draw to them, but I do get excited by novel ideas and can get pushy with them. The entire time I was planning things for us he did not give much feedback aside from (usually) positives, and did not express that he did not want these things too, although I knew he was not interested to the extent I was.

We had a follow up conversation about this a week later to kind of make sure we’re still on the same page of where were at. We did not discuss how much distance he needs or for how long. We discussed how much we love each other, how much we learn from each other, how grateful we are for each other and I expressed support for him “finding himself”.

It has been a bit difficult identifying how to react especiallywith each other at home. He stayed out all night 2 nights in a row, without updating me that he would not be coming home. I woke up in the middle of the night the first night at around 2 a.m. freaked crying about his safety. He has never done this. Second night I understood what was going on and didn’t panic, but could not fall asleep again after waking up again at 2 a.m. He said he had a marathon talking session with a close male friend the first night, and just meditated in a parking lot the second (when he came home each morning he let me know what he did, and both nights I’ve been able to verify). He has been warm and cool with me, it seems as though he wants to show affection but is afraid. We hadn’t had sex in a while and he initiated the other day. He voluntarily texted me yesterday while I was at work even though the last 2 days at home we’ve done our own stuff inside the house with little to no interaction. I am confused with his mellow but erratic displays of affection. The day before yesterday he invited me to go grab breakfast with him and in the car he told me he wished I was sitting with him when he was meditating in the parking lot the other night. I am nervous of being friend-zoned and want to avoid that.

His parents are on vacation this week and we thought it would be a good idea for him to spend the week there alone to sort through his stuff. He intends on a taking a road trip to visit his best friend that he hasn’t seen in years after this week.

I don’t know what type of distance to give him. We can’t be completely away when we live together but luckily this week and maybe he next will give him the break he needs. I feel like in some ways he wants my support (left him 2 short, random notes around the house which he thanked me for and expressed he liked) but I don’t want to coddle him if he needs to separate himself.

I am a big fan of self improvement. Everything I consider a detriment of myself that I’ve mentioned above is actively being worked on for myself first, and for him or a future relationship, second. I am not always aware in the moment. I wish he would have discussed his concerns with me before it got this far, and I wish I would have slowed down and really noticed his hints. I don’t know how long he would have been quiet had I not brought it up.

I’m not really sure why I’m posting :/ I guess I want to get everything out and desire an unbiased view of the situation and what you think the best way to go about this would be for the sake and health of both of us. Do I completely pull away? Do I support him when he comes to me and ignore him when he doesn’t? I am afraid to reach out to talk to him more because I don’t want to interrupt his processes.