Dear Cali Chica:

“The over alertness was wasted on nothing. Alert for what? Nothing”- This chronic alertness, when originated, was for a reason, for Something- keep the crazy woman under control, stop her crazy if it already started, prevent her crazy if it is not evident yet. If you had a sane mother, this would not have been your baseline, as you refer to it, baseline anxiety, this chronic alertness, the inability to relax.

It was an adjustment on your  part, nothing you chose. It takes time to realize most other people are not crazy like your mother, your husband isn’t. He is predictable, sane. Even the woman at work and the cousin… you called them monsters, but they are not as crazy as your mother. You see your mother in those women. Not to say that either one is pleasant or not rude, but part of how you view each one and how you feel about each, when you did, is a projection of who your mother is, and how you have felt about your mother.

The men working in the heat, you gave them water. My mother would have, she has fed strangers, feeling empathy for anyone who may be hungry or thirsty, going out of her way..  but her daughter experiencing anxiety, loneliness, great sadness, shame, guilt.. didn’t get her empathy.

anita