Dear Cali Chica:

Good Tuesday morning, good to read from you! Let’s see what you shared today: you’ve been busy in the last few weeks looking for a job in SD. You thought that there would be many options there for you, but you found out that there are only a few.

*just in case it becomes relevant, Camp Pendleton may be an option for you, it being one of the largest Marine Corps base located in SD County, 125,000 acres, 17 miles coastline, Marines and all branches of the military train there year-round, daytime population around 100,000. I visited the place, military people are very polite, “yes sir”, “yes mam”, etc.

You noticed that your husband has been more anxious in the last couple of weeks, “started thinking a lot about how perhaps making the move to California is not the best decision”, and now he is thinking that his current job in nyc is “actually not as bad as he thought months ago”, more staff hired there and he is “becoming less sensitive to many of the issues.. the negative demeanor and attitudes of many people”, and his parents are 74, his father had a knee replacement and a mild cardiac event a few months ago. Also, the two of you plan to have children soon enough and having his parents around for that is important to the two of you. They are willing to relocate but their lives are very much ingrained in their NY community.

My input this morning: what a shame, I can see how  difficult this is for you, you’ve been working hard on the move, aiming at making your husband’s life easier, and now this, his resistance to the move, not wanting it, really. This is not a good development. Not that it is his fault, or anything he did wrong. He can’t help but feel what he is feeling. And his need or desire to live close to his parents who are wonderful people by your own account, and it being he is their only son, is understandable. But this is stopping you in your tracks, your energy was going one way, now it is blocked, and the stress of the move, once blocked, turns to distress, I imagine.

I don’t see a solution other than staying in nyc. The reason you worked so hard on moving has been to help him, because you believed his life will be easier. Now that he changed his mind, no point in dragging him across the country against his will. It takes two willing people to make this move, and he is no longer willing. If I was you, I would tell him just that, that you thought his life will be easier there, but if it is easier here (nyc), then be it. Tell him you are withdrawing the move efforts, and that if he has a change of mind and heart in the next few days/ week or so, to let you know. Then wait for a few days and see how he feels, if there is a spontaneous change of mind and heart for him.

A crazy or not so crazy thought: remember, you are not a mother yet, you don’t have to be in this marriage, you can move where you want to move to and start a new life for yourself elsewhere. You are young enough and desirable enough in every way to get married anywhere and start a family. Crazy, isn’t it. But still, this too is an option for you.

I hope to read from you soon. I am concerned about your level of distress, given his change regarding the move.

anita