November 18, 2019 at 12:44 pm #323485
Dear Cali Chica:
Reads good to me, especially “focus on the beautiful team my husband and I have built”. It seems clear to me that this move is an excellent choice, a wise choice.
Consciously lessen the Super role (“how can I do more.. better”), and you lessen another S word- Stress.
anitaNovember 19, 2019 at 5:40 am #323533
Dear Anita, I hope you enjoyed the wedding yesterday evening. I hope you laughed (stand up comedy) ate (I have a feeling they had some good appetizers) and drank (perhaps red wine) and maybe even danced?! It gives me a nice feeling this wedding you went to. Intimate warm cozy and fun. I like to fill my life with such events and feelings. And luckily I have been able to since the summer. After the summer passed I have felt “warm and cozy.” Not just because the winter season is here and heaters and socks are on!
<div>Reducing stress as you wrote in your last post – well if I take a step back I think this:</div>
<div>What is more important in life than reducing stress?</div>
<div>Many visuals go through my head…a young high school couple in love. A pregnant mother glowing. A Wall Street CEO spiffy and dapper. A ragged homeless woman with a winning smile. A worn out migrant worker. And more. In any of these scenarios, in any of their lives – reducing stress is everything.</div>
<div></div>November 19, 2019 at 8:40 am #323565
Dear Cali Chica:
You wrote the recent post before receiving the photos I emailed you. (I received your later response to my email). Let’s check expectations or assumptions vs reality:
“I hope you laughed (stand up comedy)”- no, when I arrived at the market, there was a guy singing, following his singing there was a long waiting, nothing performed on stage, until the wedding ceremony.
“I hope you.. ate (I have a feeling they had some good appetizers) and drank”- nope, no appetizers, no drinks (unless you buy it there, after all, it is a market), nothing but cheesecake, which I didn’t eat because I had enough to eat prior to getting there. Plus, it was not a whole lot of cheesecake, considering how many people were there.
“maybe even danced”- no, no dancing. No one danced. Following that one song the guy sang, there was no music at all.
“intimate warm and cozy and fun”- only the part of watching the bride and groom, it being their special day, promising each other to be with each other through good times and bad times. (They didn’t use “for richer or poor” because they are quite poor with no forecast of rich).
“reducing stress is everything”- pretty much, yes.
anitaNovember 19, 2019 at 9:00 am #323579
Yes, I did write that post prior to seeing your email and the pictures.
I am glad that you had a pleasant evening, I do love the flannel! During weddings in which there are vows, and sometimes hand written, I love listening and watching the facial expressions of the bride and groom. Each couple having their own way of communicating and listening. Sometimes very personal, sometimes not so much. Always special.
I will be away from the computer now for the rest of the day.
I will keep in mind the concept of reducing stress, I hope I always do – but I especially will today.
Until next time Anita!
Have a great day.November 19, 2019 at 9:28 am #323591
Thank you, Cali Chica. I like that you like my flannel shirt. Have a greatly reduced stress day!
anitaNovember 26, 2019 at 4:49 am #324551
Happy Thanksgiving week.
I want to extend this note to give my “thanks” to you.
I feel grateful for where I am in my life today. To have a wonderful supportive in law family. To be focusing on inner circle more and more. For our evolving relationship over the years – that continues to teach and grow.
I appreciate the people in my life that I can grow it. I appreciate the ability to not focus on those I can not grow with, and know it is not about me in these cases. That I don’t have to self blame; I simply have to observe, understand, and move forward.
Moving forward is a brave and courageous act. I feel brave.
Thank you for always helping me on this journey, from the start. I hope you have a wonderful week – no matter what you do. I will be thinking of you during Thanksgiving – and thankful!November 26, 2019 at 7:20 am #324581
Dear Cali Chica:
Thank you for this beautiful Thanksgiving message. It warms my heart in this cold, grey Tuesday morning.
And thank you for helping me on this journey!
I too will be thinking of you during Thanksgiving. I wish you, your husband, your parents in law, and your sister a pleasant, peaceful, restful Thanksgiving.
anitaDecember 3, 2019 at 7:45 am #325807
Happy December. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. I hope it was full of good food and peaceful times.
My thanksgiving was not peaceful per se- but very fun. More important than fun, it was full of many lessons.
I thought about this morning how I would summarize them for you, and I was having trouble. So many situations:
The cousin – from the London incident- was there
The wife – from the fourth of July annoyance – was with us the following day
And the whole point of it all, led to one culmination for me: let it go, and choose joy over resentment and anger.
I noticed this shift in myself, unlike before where I would have been fixated on each detail of the events and interaction, I was able to focus on the “thesis” – the finale.
The finale of, joy outweighs anger – always. No matter where the origin of the anger or negative feelings are from.
Joy and peace should always be prioritized.December 3, 2019 at 9:12 am #325829
Dear Cali Chica:
Happy December to you too. Reads like you are doing well, being able to “focus on the ‘thesis’- the finale” instead of being “fixated on each detail of the events and interaction”.
anitaDecember 3, 2019 at 9:15 am #325833
I hope you are well also. It is a hectic few weeks finalizing the end of work here, new work, new contracts, and the big move.
But know that I am always thinking of you and our talks – and even if I can not post as much as usual – our teachings are omnipresent.
I was wondering today, you had mentioned recently that you were looking for “something new” – did you end up figuring out what that is? Any inclination I wonder.December 3, 2019 at 9:35 am #325837
Dear Cali Chica:
Thank you for expressing that you value our past communication. As to that “something new”- no, nothing. I do the same as before, healing and learning, and it is still, exciting, but not as exciting as before. Thing is I made many poor choices in life before I started these eight years of gradual, difficult healing process. Eight years later, being closer to sixty, it is simply not congruent with reality to advance my formal education, to start a professional career, such as in law or in medicine or whatnot. It is also not congruent with reality to travel the world, if this was my wish, so these things I just mentioned (some things new) are not available to me.
anitaDecember 3, 2019 at 9:54 am #325841
Yes I always have and will value our communication. My hiatus from tiny buddha- whenever that may be – now or in the future is indicative of whats going on in my own life, never because I want to speak with you less.
Anita, you have helped a countless number of people on here – it is an incredible thing that you do.
Oh and by the way – we have settled on San Diego. I am glad you are the first person I discussed Newport vs. San Diego with. Our conversation was perfect, and they are the exact truly important values my husband and I discussed since then over the last few weeks.
Choose more peace, whenever possible. That is what we are hoping for.December 3, 2019 at 11:44 am #325861
Dear Cali Chica;
Thank you for your kind words, coming from you, they are very meaningful to me. Congrats for deciding on San Diego and I am pleased that I was the first person you discussed this with.
“Choose more peace”, today and every day.
anitaDecember 10, 2019 at 5:04 am #326841
Our last conversation was about choosing peace. Since then as you probably expected my husband and I have continued to have many conversations about this perspective move. I have noticed that he has been more anxious in the last two weeks than the prior months. As you know he has been calm quite anxious over the last year or so given everything that he has been through with myself and my family. However, I noticed an even more anxious husband in front of me.
Background about myself, I’ve been busy over the last few weeks trying to secure a job for myself. At first it seemed quite easy out there as they were multiple options, but In reality there are a few options for me. I am waiting on one major hospital, and likely have options at two smaller places. All in all, it would likely work out for me. And hopefully I end up at a location that is a good environment. I also know that moving to an entirely different region and you don’t always know the climate at first, especially the medical climate. Therefore I might end up in a job for a year that is OK, and then once I move there I can figure out the best option for me or over long-term.
so back to my husband,
He has started thinking a lot about how perhaps making the move to California is not the best decision. The more that he thinks about it the more he feels that the job he is in currently in New York City is actually not as bad as he thought months ago. He is noticing changes right in front of his eyes. He is noticing that there are additional staff members that are hired to make things easier hopefully, and he is also becoming less sensitive to many of the issues that he was faced with such as some of the negative demeanor and attitudes of many people – Of course and unfortunately in many ways come with living in New York City (and other places too of course). In many ways it sounds like one of those you don’t realize what you had until it’s gone sort of things, but perhaps now that we are sitting here and physically planning out a move, it is hitting him. Is it the right decision? Also, his parents are 74 years old. They are in good health, but not getting any younger. His father had a knee replacement last year, and had a mild cardiac event a few months ago. Unlike my parents they are not the type to catastrophize or dramatize anything, and they never expect us to drop everything and be by there side. But as you know, from talking with me over the years, they are wonderful people. And therefore of course we want to be there for them in their old age. Next situation, having children will Be in our plan in the next few years. Of course given that I am 34 years old and we do feel ready for that next chapter 1 sweetie stabilize our life and jobs and everything. We have her time and time again from everyone that the most important thing is to have family around. Of course in our case the only family that this means is his parents as my parents are not in the picture. I have told you in the past that his parents are pretty much retired, they are very deeply ingrained in your community in this area. Yet, they would be open to relocating once we have children at least for part time. Be in our plan in the next few years. Of course given that I am 34 years old and we do feel ready for that next chapter 1 sweetie stabilize our life and jobs and everything. We have her time and time again from everyone that the most important thing is to have family around. Of course in our case the only family that this means is his parents as my parents are not in the picture. I have told you in the past that his parents are pretty much retired, they are very deeply ingrained in your community in this area. Yet, they would be open to relocating once we have children at least for part time. I’m not saying this for the sense of having them as source of full-time help, but for the sense of having them see our children grow up and of course have wonderful grandparents. There is nothing like good family members – that is the key.
Perhaps all of this seems like it’s coming out of nowhere, but over the last few weeks since Thanksgiving we continue to have talks back-and-forth, the last few days I’ve seen my husband become increasingly stress, and so I finally got it out of him, what is truly bugging him. We had this above conversation for hours and hours. I thought about it too. What do I think? And I go back-and-forth. I thought I would write some of this here. I will also think through my thoughts a little bit more and reply more.
good morning to you Anita, Sorry if I haven’t been as consistent in writing on here, as you see we have been almost paralyzed with this decision and someways.December 10, 2019 at 6:35 am #326847
Dear Cali Chica:
Good Tuesday morning, good to read from you! Let’s see what you shared today: you’ve been busy in the last few weeks looking for a job in SD. You thought that there would be many options there for you, but you found out that there are only a few.
*just in case it becomes relevant, Camp Pendleton may be an option for you, it being one of the largest Marine Corps base located in SD County, 125,000 acres, 17 miles coastline, Marines and all branches of the military train there year-round, daytime population around 100,000. I visited the place, military people are very polite, “yes sir”, “yes mam”, etc.
You noticed that your husband has been more anxious in the last couple of weeks, “started thinking a lot about how perhaps making the move to California is not the best decision”, and now he is thinking that his current job in nyc is “actually not as bad as he thought months ago”, more staff hired there and he is “becoming less sensitive to many of the issues.. the negative demeanor and attitudes of many people”, and his parents are 74, his father had a knee replacement and a mild cardiac event a few months ago. Also, the two of you plan to have children soon enough and having his parents around for that is important to the two of you. They are willing to relocate but their lives are very much ingrained in their NY community.
My input this morning: what a shame, I can see how difficult this is for you, you’ve been working hard on the move, aiming at making your husband’s life easier, and now this, his resistance to the move, not wanting it, really. This is not a good development. Not that it is his fault, or anything he did wrong. He can’t help but feel what he is feeling. And his need or desire to live close to his parents who are wonderful people by your own account, and it being he is their only son, is understandable. But this is stopping you in your tracks, your energy was going one way, now it is blocked, and the stress of the move, once blocked, turns to distress, I imagine.
I don’t see a solution other than staying in nyc. The reason you worked so hard on moving has been to help him, because you believed his life will be easier. Now that he changed his mind, no point in dragging him across the country against his will. It takes two willing people to make this move, and he is no longer willing. If I was you, I would tell him just that, that you thought his life will be easier there, but if it is easier here (nyc), then be it. Tell him you are withdrawing the move efforts, and that if he has a change of mind and heart in the next few days/ week or so, to let you know. Then wait for a few days and see how he feels, if there is a spontaneous change of mind and heart for him.
A crazy or not so crazy thought: remember, you are not a mother yet, you don’t have to be in this marriage, you can move where you want to move to and start a new life for yourself elsewhere. You are young enough and desirable enough in every way to get married anywhere and start a family. Crazy, isn’t it. But still, this too is an option for you.
I hope to read from you soon. I am concerned about your level of distress, given his change regarding the move.