Dear Anita,

How exciting! Yes, indeed.  This break will be very much a breath of fresh (cold!) air!  I am not getting to worried about my plan for after January!

Yes, I wonder what that new is for you – maybe 2020 will bring some insight about it…

Continue the conversation I shall, head does hurt – but I will type what I can.

So, the conversation with his parents went very well as expected.  They were very unbiased and supportive, and fantastic listeners (as always).  The thesis of the weekend was that there needs to be time.  Time is essential – and give it time so you can assess.  Often you never know the answer, but it is always worth giving yourself more space to analyze as much as you can – in a career oriented situation.

So that is what we did, we got some more time.  I am very appreciative of his chairman’s response to my husband – very reassuring.

So what’s more…

I thought a lot about the conversations about my sister over the weekend.  I know I can’t “blame” her for my behavior when I am around her – but I do know that I have to accept the fact of: we were raised in a household of sickness, our interaction is based on sickness.  There is resentment and anger within each one of us.

I also learned, from our conversations – that her manner of communication is a lot more hidden than mine.  This elucidated the reason why I would end up feeling so uneasy and uncomfortable many times.  Like being bit, but then instantly being told that the puppy is a sweet dog from the shelter, don’t get angry at it.

So then not only do you feel guilty for being upset/angry – you invalidate your own feelings of unease.  Double whammy –> double distress.

I know she can not be apart of my inner circle.  I know my distance will create alarm in her.  I also know it will create alarm in me.

You made a note about the concept of “primal love.” And how it originates from primitive, preverbal, infant.  I think about what you said – how often this sort of thing can be an obstacle.

I think about the “love” and attachment I had for my mother – instant of course as a newborn, and evolving as I grew with her.  It wasn’t like I ever woke up one day and asked myself: “do I love my mother?” No! I would have said of course!!

Similarly, I didn’t give my relationship with my sister much of an “option” from my own end, as you know.

I do hope to establish a good balance of “closeness with boundaries” — but I do know it will go through some growing pains prior of gaps, space, and change.

I think I have in my life, communicated a lot, likely over-communicated many times — not to the right source.  As in, am I explaining things to someone that has the capacity to understand? I think it is important going into 2020 as an adult (not child) to know that staying strong by your goals (no not career and growth – but health and peace) means truly not worrying what the other person thinks.  Some of the strongest most “stable” people in my life do a good job of just simply saying “no!” and nothing more…

• This reply was modified 4 years, 12 months ago by Cali Chica.