Hi all.

First things first – apols for the long radio silence my side – it’s been crazy busy since I got back from SA end of Nov, what with a trip to Prague, three birthday’s to sort and then everyone round mine for Christmas – followed by now frantically sorting out this year’s first trip back to SE Asia with two weeks to go! All good stuff but no excuses for the delay.

Second things second – can you believe it’s 2020?! Happy New Year even if you don’t feel all like celebrating right now.

@Shelby. Awesome 6th sense…let’s see if it works again..!  Is the retail job finished now post Christmas or do you keep going until you find something else you want?  I wouldn’t worry about feeling a fake – better to know how you are feeling than ignoring it.  I know you want to read things into him contacting you for your birthday but honestly, I’d bet money on he just thought it was the right thing to do – especially after that’s what you told him to do.  Either way what’s really important is that even if he did want to get back together – it would be for the same thing you guys had before, nothing different and not what you want and need in your life.  So yeah, does it make your heart yearn again for the impossible, do you imagine he’s changed after missing you etc etc – ofcourse it does & you do, that’s human. But each time you acknowledge the feelings but don’t act on them – choosing to deal with reality and pick a path forwards that’s good for you, that’s another step forwards.  I’m also sorry to hear it didn’t work out with the new guy, though not surprised from what you’d said. It all depends on what’s most important to you about a relationship but you can’t force it if it isn’t right for sure.

@Genie.  Wow – if you’ve read all 92 pages then you’ve read a lot of my advice and experience here already! Ofcourse I will try and help, though if you don’t hear back from me promptly it’s usually because I’m travelling somewhere and no wi-fi, as these guys know! Along with the pragmatic tips that helped my battered self-esteem e.g. eating well, exercising, getting out with friends & crying on their various shoulders, forcing myself into new experiences etc etc the biggest thing that helped on the emotional side was practicing being absolutely honest with myself and working hard to separate reality from my fantasy/rose-coloured specs. Really good friends and family can be lethally helpful with this too and it’s worth way more than sympathy, which is great but reinforces the feeling of loss, not the reality that it simply wasn’t right.

E.g. the whole “I’ll never meet anybody as good as him” is something I understand as I felt that at the time too but it just isn’t true.  Being regularly depressed and anxious in a relationship is not exactly a sign of the “best relationship ever”.  It can be scary to be on your own for sure, especially if it is your first time doing so, as it was mine.  But being on your own is way better than being with the wrong person.

In fact – the best thing I did to move on properly was to be truly comfortable by myself, able to look after myself both financially and emotionally. Like you, I’d lost the person I was before my ex and had become incredibly dependent on him – something it took me some time to be able to recognise – that’s that honesty with yourself thing kicking in! It took me a while and a lot of positive actions to find myself again and be happy with who I was alone.

The big upside of it being that when you do eventually meet someone, you aren’t looking to that person to ‘save’ me, ‘look after me’ or ‘make me safe for ever’ – as those things don’t exist – you do those for yourself, supported by loving people around you for short periods but without becoming dependent on them for it. I.e. I then had something to offer a relationship, not just take from it, which is crucial to any relationship going the distance in a good way.

What I’d suggest you start with is trying to calm the panicky feelings that are coming from your fear, try looking at your situation as your best friend would see it. Every time your fear tells you that your ex is the best you are ever going to get, acknowledge the fear but correct it with the truth – it was not a good relationship for you so even if he was the most amazing man in the world ( unlikely, sorry! ) he still wouldn’t be the right man for you. And that’s what matters, what’s right for you.

@Kkasxo. How goes it all? Sorry to hear you didn’t get that job, irritating when you click like that. Usually means somebody else made the final call but still hurts. Should all pick up again in the New Year I guess. More importantly, how’re you coping & how did you guys get through the festive break?