Dear Anita,

Good morning to you.

I just re-read the first post that we spoke about in this chain. Yours from January 5 in the morning. Reading at this morning gave me an even deeper appreciation for it. All of your well thought out statements about the dust, they seem to make more and more sense every day. I haven’t talk to my sister in the last few days. I let her know that I’m extremely busy and then I’m going to be MIA. That was the best I could do a few days ago because I didn’t want to deal with Anything – and was mentally busy with many other things.

You are right, the dust is still being thrown into my eyes, no longer by my mother. My sister has played the victim role her whole entire life. The funny thing is, I didn’t think that she was playing the victim role, I thought that she truly was the victim. In many instances, this cut me from feeling that I was a victim, and feeling that I had to do everything to save her, the true victim.

Learning from summer for actions of recent, as well as everything that we have spoken about reminds me that we are both victims. We are both victims from the same mother, but our trauma is not to be compared. There is no such thing as one person being more of a victim. There is no such thing as because she has dealt with something more recently I have to set myself back. Because I too am a victim.

I know I did a lot of comparing. I thought of myself in my 20s being a Radick as well, sending people messages and asking for help without a regard to what was going on in their life. Always feeling like I was thinking from a ship, needing an float. Screaming out desperately for that float from anyone from anything.  Of course this is why I understand partly where she is coming from as it is not entirely foreign behavior. However the more I got to know it I noticed that the anger, the rudeness, and the lack of respect is new behavior. This is something foreign to me, and that is why it feels especially ugly. Because it is ugly.

You mentioned that it is best that I do not compare my behavior to hers. That makes sense, it is entirely useless. It is like saying that a friend that constantly bombard me with her divorce is OK to infiltrate my life at this time because I too used to do that 20 years ago.

The point is that you could have tenderness for what people are going through, but you don’t need to regress and throw yourself backwards to relate to them. I think this is the key thing I’m learning.

I picture this, a nice couple on a stroll, content and happy walking through Central Park let’s say. The wife is pretty relax, has a flowery dress on, and is attentive to her husband. He’s telling her a story about work. All of a sudden her phone goes off, she ignores it. Then it goes off again two or three times. She looks at the text messages. She’s now in grossed in answering the phone, while her husband continues to tell the story. At a certain point he stops, and she doesn’t even realize. 15 minutes into the walk, she looks up it doesn’t even know where she is, and how they walk so far. She looks at her husband and says so do you want to walk more?He looks at her puzzled.

Now of course this is simplified, and of course this is part of my life story with my sister but not the whole thing. Reason this visual comes to mind is that when I see it, you’re in for that wife to put her phone down. Are you in for her to simply be, and keep walking. What is so important on that phone that it needs to be addressed right now? I feel the energy in there a walk after this transition, the patience that the husband has but the frustration. The panic and Francie that the wife has to attend to some one quickly. Not a way to live.

I recall being frenzied and seeking that float, and I’ll bring this up not to compare to my sister but to make a point.  I’ve had many older female friends throughout my years, people that continue to be my friends many of which were sources of support during those times. I look back and of course this was a time in which media and text messaging was not as profound. But the point is, I would seek out their advice or support, and they would give it to me when it was convenient to them of course. They did not drop everything and call me At any hour in the day. The benefit of text messaging in this world is that people are constantly available, all the negative of text messaging in this world that people are constantly available. When it comes to my sister and I, the text messaging has become a detriment, because it keeps conversation going all day. I am also at fault for this, as we’ve had many fun conversations in and Out of each day all the time. But the issue was it’s not difficult to have fun. Just like it was with my mother, so many laughs, sO much humor.

But the other side?

When it comes to negative things about other people. If she was here on this thread do you know what she would say? She would say, well you’re the same. Think about how much you were complaining about S this summer! I would be stumped and think yes she’s right. We are all like that because our mother.

But this is untrue. I have been friends with S for over 15 years and only over the summer for a short amount of time was I finding some of her things annoying. That is friendship – it happens.  If I acted like my sister with people I would never have any friends long-term. Surprise surprise, she doesn’t! She constantly compares the way I act with people with her, In a way kind of saying that it’s not like I’m much better! I was thinking about this last night, she does this to make herself feel better. She has a lot of anger and resentment about why her life is the way it is.  Of course it is improving now. She thinks we are alike – or that my behaviours are bad too. I’ll tell you Anita in the last year or the times with my husband and I have had the most to stress was when she was involved. In fact, during my birthday, I felt so frenzied, and looking back it was probably because her presence incites frenzy in me. It’s a weird combination of having a ton of fun with her but also feeling frenzied from her. Perhaps not unlike the way I used to feel around my mother. Another person who would quickly flip to the victim card if needed.Thanksgiving the same and the whole incident with her dog. And her making the comment of  why we can’t keep her dog. Blatantly openly in front of my husband.

Shameless. Shameless.

As I told you some of the talks of California are back on. I don’t have the capacity to open up conversation with her anytime soon as my focus needs to be on California. If I open up a conversation about some agreements with her, and the sort of contract that we spoke about, it will Open a can of worms of passive aggressive behavior. Which will lead me to feel MAJORLY guilty and at unease.

I look back at the times when I tried to reason with my mother and explain to her some boundaries and it led her to try to guilt trip me and manipulate me. I don’t have time for that right now. But what I do know is that I need some distance. I sent her a text message yesterday saying that I will be missing in action for the rest of the month as I have a lot to attend to but of course let me know of any true emergency. She didn’t reply. Her passive aggressive way is always such. But I was OK with that. For now that is all I need.