Dear Anita,

Sorry for the delay. Complicated day but I’ll get into that later. Quite stressful. Anyway- back to us I assume you are away from the computer so we can continue this discussion tomorrow or whenever you are free.

I am glad I read both back to back. Here is the thesis for me:

no, neither one of them, not your mother, not your sister wanted your functionality or help so that they can function better. This is your make-believe which gave you that sense of being valued as a child (which I talked about in the previous post). It is true that the two of them need to function better, but this is not what they want. They had a more immediate need which was to satisfy their impulsive need, which in the case of your sister, it is the need to blame you.

Your sister is helping herself to you by pointing the finger of blame at you: your fault! You are hurting me! Here, you did it again! And again! And as you understandably get angry, she has new ammunition to use against you. She is helping herself to you.

So this is new news to me. You have explained this in regards to my mother in the past. The concept of her needing an audience. Not truly “needing” a solution. Makes total sense.  I can visualize it and see it clearly. Especially remembering my father or I talking her down, just for her to go into the same hysterics again moments later when an aunt walks through the door. This is pretty pivotal aspect of her personality disorder and BPD.

The friend I used to have – Sarah – I recall episodes like this as well. A very twisted way of getting attention – but never ever being satisfied or happy.

Now to my sister. I didn’t think of her the same. And I don’t mean to say that I want to lump everyone together. But I had thought she was on “the other side” – my side.

The side that isn’t hysterical and crazy. Troubled – yes. But not that.

Yet I see now that’s not true. I see that I when I placed my MIA note – she reached out practically saying “hey where is SCC” but it wasn’t for My help.

Let’s say I replied and said I’ll come over and help or this or that she would have jumped to the opportunity. But if she found that I was stressed doing it she would have said: oh I never told you to do this.

A key point of a dysfunctional (in emotional ways when it comes to my sister) adult.

She does need help in ways my mother didn’t. Such as is helping her move into Manhattan and in so many different ways. Those are facts.

But she also puts down and de-values SCC. I guess I thought of it like this – she is desperate and lonely in many ways – but also angry and denounces SCC. She in fact comes off as a victim lost puppy some days – but angry beast others. She is needy for love and attention and she does not have it in her life (from any true place unlike me with my spouse). But also does not know how to receive this appropriately or appreciate it.

She is highly troubled and erratic and hysterical.

Now – I want you to elaborate the aspect of “my sister is helping herself to me.” I understand it but would like to discuss further