Dear anita,

You definitely took the time to try and understand me before writing your answer and I thank you a lot for that. I can say without any doubt that you shine with empathy.

Indeed, I’ve been struggling with sadness, depression, anxiety, loneliness for several years now. My mom was raising me for the most part because my dad never really cared about me. She did the best she could and I thank her for that. But when I got heartbroken for the first time, I secluded myself in my room and didn’t share my horrible thoughts and feelings with anyone. My mom did see that something was wrong. But she did not want to believe it and told herself that what happened to me happens to everyone. That everyone can be sad from time to time (which is true). But she refuses to see that it was not an ordinary sadness. I knew it all along that it was something far more terrifying and long lasting. It was depression. And someday, I learnt a very good news : I managed to get into med school. My mom was very happy for me but I wasn’t at all. I could feel that something was wrong. I couldn’t feel happy for myself. A few months later, I had a huge outburst. I went crazy, couldn’t stay in one place for more than a few seconds, I felt madness took control of my body. My mom was crying and she could not not see the truth this time. After that, she and I started looking for a doctor. Eventually, I found one who gave me pills. The pills were quite effective and my mood was better overall. Today, I don’t take pills anymore but I lack having a therapist. The doctor I had was only there to give me pills. I couldn’t have a therapy with him. That’s why I made a call a few weeks ago in order to get a therapy.

Even today, I feel alone in this fight against depression. My mom tries to understand me sometimes but she can’t. I know she wants to help me but doesn’t know how. I don’t think that she can help me either.

About relationships: I have a poor self esteem and I know I lack confidence (even though I feel that it’s getting better with time). Girls can feel when I’m sad and it’s something that make them go away. They don’t want to deal with someone else’s sadness when they’re afraid of their own. I understand. With time, I managed to get better at hiding the pain and my relationships got better. But inside, I feel broken and sometimes it takes a few to make me cry.

I never experienced love in a romantic relationship. For many years, I thought that I was feeling love when I had on crush on all these girls who left me heartbroken. Now, I know that it was not love. I wish I knew love since it is for me the best reason to keep on living. Fortunately, I have my strong love for music. As long as I can give love, I want to live in this world even though I have struggle to feel/receive love from others.

(I had a lot to say, sorry if there are english mistakes or misunderstandings)

PS: my mom loves me

Daniel