Forum Replies Created
September 24, 2020 at 10:35 am #367165
I’ve made up my mind.
There is another way to think about this. I told myself that wherever I choose to live, I have to accept the place I live. One month ago when I was still living with my parents, I was feeling stuck. For several years, I had this feeling because I didn’t fully accept to live there and I was focusing on all the downsides of it. I thought that I had to move to Paris to change my life, my point of view and that everything will be alright. I wasn’t totally wrong. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that changing my environment would help me in my depression. And I believe it can. If someone lives in an unpleasant and unhealthy environment, it’s understandable that it won’t help in getting better. And it’s still true that home can be unhealthy for me sometimes. But I also realized how valuable it is to live at home with my family. I can see the perks of living at home and I feel ready to embrace living there. I plan on helping more my mom for the chores and I want to learn some meals she cooks. So when I will have to live on my own in two years from now, moving out will feel smoother for me. Overall, I feel confident for the future.
DanielSeptember 22, 2020 at 3:07 am #367067
I understand your point. And you may be right.
There is something else that comes in consideration though. I’m starting my 5th year in medecine and I know that this is a very important year (as well as the 6th) because I’m studying for my final exam at the end of the 6th year. Depending on my performance on this exam, I will be able to choose what medical specialty I want and where in France I will practise (which means that I may move to another city in two years). I wonder if this is the best time for me to try living on my own. I fear losing too much time with chores, cooking, going to the supermarket…. But if I come back home, I’m afraid to stop gaining the confidence I’m gaining now from this new experience. I am a bit lost actually.
DanielSeptember 21, 2020 at 5:18 am #367004
I hope everything’s alright for you.
You’re right, I sound and feel in a better mood than before. I think I’ve been longing for more independance during those years living with my parents. A girl I work with even told me that she feels that I have more confidence. Still, I think I’m soon going back to my parents. I miss living with them, I miss the food, the feeling of Home. And this time, I would choose to live with them rather than enduring it. But I can say that this has been a good experience overall. I realize the perks of living with my parents. I know that even if I live on my own, it doesn’t increase my loneliness or sadness. I’m not 100% sure about going back home though. I know this is a big decision. I’m afraid to make the wrong choice.
Concerning my feelings, I’d really like to meet new people. But don’t really know how. The concept of romantic love seems to make no sense to me sometimes. And I wonder if it really exists.
DanielSeptember 6, 2020 at 12:58 pm #366264
I’ve been thinking about seeing a psychologist who practices hypnosis. A year or two ago, I met someone like that and it was a strange experience. I was definitely hypnotized. And I remember feeling very good for the rest of the evening. I felt confident and strong. It was amazing! But somehow, I remember feeling uneasy being hyponotized because I could feel that I was giving control the psychologist some control over me. Like letting go of controling things.
I might try to see this psychologist again. Hypnosis may be what I need. And in the process, I may learn to let go of some things in my life.
Concerning my flat, I have to admit that I am a bit disappointed. My neighbours often make too much noise and it can be hard to focus on studying. Unfortunately, libraries are still closed because of the virus so I have to study at my place. I felt lonely the first two days but the feeling got away. I don’t feel at ease in this new place. I want to give it a try for a few more weeks. And if I don’t like it, I can always come back to my parents’ home. This is not really a flat, it’s a room. So I have to go outside my room to take a shower or to go to the toilet. Living in Paris is very expensive and with what I earn and my parents’ help, that’s all I can get. I don’t want to complain because I can always choose to come back to my parents (which is not as bad as I thought haha). It’s actually a very interesting experience whether it will last or not. I realize that I can manage being alone pretty well !
Concerning my love life, I want to stop having a spot in my mind that always think about being in a relationship. I know it can ruin some potential frienships with girls (like with D). And I feel this way to think is rather unsane and energy costing. I want to focus on the two things I love the most (besides people) : my studies and music !
By the way, I’ve started to listen to more joyful songs and it really helps lifting up my mood !
DanielSeptember 2, 2020 at 11:19 am #366003
Dear anita and Rose of Yellow,
Thank you for your answers.
I’ve been using some dating apps for a few years. I would delete the apps and eventually download them again a few months later. I actually had some dates but there was always something wrong. I think that the nature of dating apps itself has something to do with that. For instance, I have a male friend who had many one night stands and he used a dating app once. He said to me that he didn’t like it, that it didn’t work for him, that he didn’t get matches and dates. It’s all about looks ! A good looking guy can be unsuccessful with those apps just because he does not have pictures of him that put him in the spotlight or draw some attention.
Plus, some dates can be very awkward when you realize that you don’t like the other person because of something that you could not know on an app (tone of the voice, gestures, the way her face moves when she speaks…).
So I’d rather try and meet girls when I’m with a group. This is something that I never really had the chance to try so I’m up to it.
By the way, I moved today to my flat. I have to say that it’s a strange feeling. It’s a mix of fear and excitement. I hope I won’t feel too lonely.
DanielAugust 29, 2020 at 12:09 pm #365797
You may be right about meeting women individually. But where could such an encounter take place? And why do you think it may be better this way?
DanielAugust 28, 2020 at 1:29 pm #365769
I texted Y. Actually, she came back yesterday. I asked to see each other but replied that a friend of hers comes to visit her for a few days. I didn’t insist. She asked a bit about how I was doing. Anyway, I’m glad that we can text each other again in a lighter way. I don’t care so much about seeing her or finding out some answers anymore. We may see each other again in a couple of weeks with her group of friends.
DanielAugust 24, 2020 at 2:43 pm #365456
I’m going to text her tomorrow. I thought about this and maybe I have been listening too much to my ego. My ego is hurt and as a revenge, it tells me I must not text her again. But I want and need to talk to her, so I know what to do 🙂 I try to take things less seriously and in a lighter way.
DanielAugust 24, 2020 at 11:15 am #365430
I guess you’re right about Y. It’s a bit depressing though. Once again, I don’t understand her. Why would she tell me that she’d love to keep seeing me from time to time with her group of friends and discussing with me and even say yes when asking to see her when she comes back if she does not text me anymore? Was she being polite? Was she lying? Or is it her fear to create false hopes in me? I don’t know and it bothers me unfortunately. I thought I wasn’t holding a grudge against her but actually I am. And it makes me a bit angry. I wish she had texted me earlier about her wanting to stay single. This way, I wouldn’t have been starting to think about the possibility of being in a relationship with her (and having false hopes, exactly what she feared). And I want her to know that so she will not repeat this mistake again in the future with someone else.
A friend in her group told me that he will probably do something with his friends one evening in a few weeks and that he will keep me up to date. Maybe Y will be there too.
I wish I could stop thinking about her. It’s a waste of time.
DanielAugust 23, 2020 at 8:56 am #365354
Thanks for the answer, I’m going to look for someone like that.
Concerning the letter, I’d rather keep any draft for myself. It’s very personal.
By the way, last message I wrote to Y was 13 days ago. We said that we’d see each other when she comes back from holiday (around the 20th). I was hoping that she would write me to tell when she’d like to meet but she didn’t. I don’t want to be the one reaching her, I had enough trying to get to know her for the past 2 months. So I tell myself that if she really wants to see me again, she will text me.
DanielAugust 18, 2020 at 1:41 pm #365068
Thank you for the insight.
There’s something that’s been bothering me : My psychotherapist seems a bit cold and sometimes he interrupts me in mid sentence. What should I look for in a psychotherapist? How to choose the right one for me?
Last evening, I tried to start writing the letter for my father but it was harder than I thought…
DanielAugust 17, 2020 at 2:43 pm #364977
Do you think that I need to be in a romantic relationship with a woman to understand that I am loveable ? Or is there any other way?
I get your point about my mom. She did her best to protect me from my father but yes, it was not enough and I started to struggle with chronic anxiety.
“I believe that the healing process that you have to go through will be outside the context of your relationship with your mother.” What do you mean?
DanielAugust 17, 2020 at 1:36 pm #364965
I cannot thank you enough for spending time to read all my posts and for writing this long message. I’m very glad that you try to help me. Thank you 🙂
I had a long talk with my mom about my childhood as planned. I feared that I had forgotten many things but I soon realized that was not true.
Here is what I want to say about it :
Before my parents divorced, it seems that my father loved me in his way : he showed me his love by buying me things. My mom was the one who took care of me.
After the divorce, I lived some stressful events. I don’t want to share them but I remember that when my father came at my mom’s door so that he could take me to his home for the weekend, I was terrified, crying, very anxious. It happened every other weekend until I was 13 (the legal age to tell the justice that I didn’t want to see him anymore).
My mom overprotected me and we were very close (she was sad when I was sad and I was sad when she was sad). She thought that she had to give me twice as much love considering that I lacked my father’s love.
One day, before I was 13, I was with my father at the supermarket. I wanted to have a toy and told him so. Then he replied that I don’t deserve it. This has been stuck in my head ever since. When I feel sad and wonder why I’m still lonely and don’t have a girlfriend, I sometimes think about what he told me that day. And it hurt a lot (even though I know it’s bullshit).
When I was 16, 17 and feeling very very low for the first time in my life, I remember withdrawing into myself and I thought that I could handle my depression on my own. I was wrong obviously. My mom told me that she could see that I was very sad and she wanted to help me. She told me that I needed someone like a doctor to help but I disagreed and wanted to handle it on my own. I do believe her and everything makes sense.
I think she did the best she could and I don’t blame her for anything. She had to deal with my father, herself and me.
But it is true that I have suffered a lot and now I need to understand and accept what happened in order to move on.
DanielAugust 15, 2020 at 4:40 pm #364876
I feel I should write a letter to my father. Write everything I never had the courage to tell him. And maybe send it to him. Maybe with my coordinates if he wants to answer me.
I really think that it could help me.
Tomorrow, I’m having a talk with my mom about my childhood and what she remembers from it.
DanielAugust 15, 2020 at 1:48 pm #364873
I don’t remember being angry as a child, unfortunately.
When I write “things that could have brought me joy”, I think about learning how to face the world on my own, making my own decisions, going out at night and growing in self confidence in the process.