Forum Replies Created
June 27, 2020 at 6:44 am #359713
Welcome Ralphy !
I don’t think she might have liked me in a romantic way. It was more like the beginning of a friendship. For once, I don’t think it was a timing issue : taking too long to do anything or rushing things like I used.
Thinking back, the main issue for me to get in a relationship with D was probably that I didn’t give her “signals” that would tell her what I wanted. Like casually touching her shoulder while having a laugh with her. I was being friendly because I know how to act friendly but I still have things to learn when it comes to flirting.
DanielMay 29, 2020 at 2:14 pm #357190
I think I get your point. I need people but I need the good ones. I realized that there are some people around me who seem to be able to listen to me and to act as what I could call a friend. I feel a bit less lonely as a consequence. And I’ve been thinking about some people who don’t seem to care at all. Sometimes I would hesitate to send them a message but stop while realizing that it’s not worth the hassle. I’ve been thinking about a friend of mine who barely talks to me these weeks and it hurts a bit actually. I downloaded some meeting apps once again a few weeks ago. This time, I don’t really care about meeting someone or not and I don’t take things at heart like I used to do (for instance, when someone I started liking suddenly stopped responding my texts). I’ve been meeting a few girls and even though I don’t have romantic feelings for them it is fun to meet people ! One of them could end up as being a friend of mine, who knows?
I’ve started looking for a psychotherapist but I don’t know how. How can I choose among all of them? Should I see a male or a female? I don’t know
Studies stress me a lot these last weeks. It’s hard to keep studying when librairies are closed and there is so much I have to learn… it’s overwhelming sometimes.
Thank you again anita for being here for me (and for us).
DanielMay 23, 2020 at 10:18 am #356538
I know you’re right but I have an issue when it comes to taking care of myself and it includes making an appointment with a psychotherapist. It feels like an endless loop. Right now, I feel trapped in my life. I’d like to go out and meet people but I can’t, I’m scared. The more time flies, the more I feel people run away from me.
I wish I knew where to meet those socially isolated people and talk about their feelings and mine. It makes me think of Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles : “all the lonely people, where do they all belong? ”
DanielMay 19, 2020 at 2:42 pm #356018
I wish I had someone like that but I can’t seem to find anyone. Once again, I have the feeling that I’ve lost many many opportunities to meet people and to act friendly with them. I feel like most of people around me already have a life full of memories and relationships behind them. Unlike them, I’ve been spending my life more or less isolated, surrounded by people I don’t like for the most part and it’s hard to see how beautiful the world is when the mind is obscured by clouds. I don’t understand why I can’t seem to make friends and to make those connections deep and lasting.
DanielMay 19, 2020 at 11:06 am #355970
You’re right, I particularly dislike people who often get angry out of the blue. I guess that I am looking for a kind of softness in a partner. My mom is rather calm but often stressful because she takes care of pretty much everything at home. She worries about everyone. She rarely gets angry. I think I’m a lot like her.
DanielMay 18, 2020 at 10:02 am #355762
I had to see my father because that’s how the law goes. The law said that I had to see him until I’m 18. My mom spend several years in court so I don’t have to see him even before turning 18 and I didn’t have to see him anymore when I was about 15. I have not seen my father since then (I’m 23 now). He was violent in the way he was talking about my mom in front of me and he could get angry at any moment for no apparent reason.
I don’t really have a father figure in my life so I guess that a lot of my personality comes from the way my mom is and acted towards me as a child.
DanielMay 16, 2020 at 4:23 pm #355412
It’s been a while. I hope you and the ones you love are fine.
You made a great analysis of the song ! Maybe you found why I like it so much. It’s strange because I’ve noticed several times having troubles when it comes to remembering my childhood. It’s as though some of my memories have been cast into a black hole.
When I was very young, my parents divorced. My father was starting to become violent and my mom was afraid for her life and mine. So she flew away with me. After my parents’ divorce, I had to see my father every weekend. It was a nightmare every time. I was very anxious when seeing him. I was and am still afraid of him. I know he is unstable. Thus, began my story of chronic anxiety I guess. Basically my mom raised me on her own. I had very good grades at school and didn’t feel different from others. In high school, I made a few good friends that I still have to this day. Then I moved to another school and I had a bad time there because I felt that I had lost my new friends and I didn’t like my new colleagues at all. For the most part, they were particularly shallow and extroverted. Then I fell in love for the first time (I was 16). I was crazy about her, my whole world was revolving around her and all I wanted was to get close to her. I thought that it was love when in fact it was an illusion. I was in love with the image that I had of her in my mind. I barely knew her. My feelings were so intense that she knew I had them. One day, I asked her out but told me that I was imagining things, that she considered me as a colleague of class and that’s all. I was devastated, crushed. Heart broken, I remember falling on my bed crying every evening for several months. The pain would not go away. Somehow, I kept feeling sad but without any reason. I knew that it was more than casual sadness and started thinking that it may be depression. I felt weak, my self esteem was non existent and felt worthless of love and life. It lasted 4 years before my mom decided to do something about it. Indeed, one day (I was 20) I had an anxiety attack in front of her. I guess that she was scared of what I had become and could not tell herself that it was OK anymore. Thanks to her, I found a therapist who told me that it was depression and gave me pills. The pills really helped me, that’s for sure. But that’s the moment when I began experiencing panic attacks on a regular basis. This therapist can’t perform a psychotherapy for me and that’s why I’m looking for someone else. I’m sure that I need a psychotherapy most of all ! I managed to become a medecine student somehow but still struggle with issues such as friendship and romantic ones. I think that I am in a better place than a year ago but things change very slowly and I’d like to be able to enjoy life, love and be loved before it’s too late.
DanielApril 19, 2020 at 11:33 am #350520
I’m glad that you watched this show and that you liked it. My personal favourite Vulfpeck’s song is Wait for the moment.
Actually, I’ve been feeling quite depressed today and I know why. I’ve been looking at facebook profiles of people in my prom that I don’t know quite well. And it’s easy to think/feel that they have a happier life compared to mine (which is probably the case for the majority). Once again, I feel like I missed a lot of opportunities to make friends and memories because of my depression, my parents’ divorce, the isolation of being an only child and the several times I changed school. When I meet someone for the first time, I feel that I always meet them too late and that they don’t need me in their life. And that’s why they don’t care about knowing if I am well even when the world is collapsing.
Several friends told me that I have a gloomy, sad or angry face when I am alone in the street. In addition to my low self esteem and self confidence, I’m sure that it has ruined and keeps ruining my social life. Plus, I’m pretty sure my “friends” think that I need a lot of time on my own and that’s why they don’t send me messages very often.
I wish I could tell you that I feel fine, that I’m finding a way out of my suffering but that would be a lie. I’m alone struggling with this and I feel that no one can really help in the long term.
DanielApril 17, 2020 at 2:08 pm #350110
It’s been a little while ! I hope you’re fine. I understand why you’re not lonely anymore. Actually, I find it hard to communicate a lot on the internet. I mean, I find it much better when I’m talking to someone face to face. And as someone who feels different from a lot of people, I rarely find someone I really want to socialize with as well. My friends are almost exclusively girls and I think it’s because it’s easier to talk to them about anything and especially deep talk.
I keep on going to the hospital 5 days a week. The atmosphere seems to be calmer and less stressful. I realized that the main reason why I have trouble sleeping is anxiety so I plan on getting back to meditation !
You may have googled the few artists I have listed, if so tell me what you think about them ! I finally learnt the guitar solo from Time (Pink Floyd) and am quiet proud of me even though it’s not perfect 🙂
DanielApril 5, 2020 at 1:09 pm #347760
“I am not lonely anymore” what happened ? how did you stop feeling lonely like you used to do?
Yeah, hopefully it will happen someday.
I listen to a lot of different genres. Mostly rock though as it is my first love. These days I like to listen to a lot of classic rock (Pink Floyd, Beatles, Beach Boys), funk (Vulfpeck) and indie rock/pop (Rex orange county, Mac demarco, Tom Misch).
It’s always nice hearing from you.
DanielApril 4, 2020 at 1:45 pm #347110
Thank you for thinking about me. I had a 3 day break this week because I was exhausted and I was a bit sick. No fever and no cough though so I guess it wasn’t the coronavirus. These 3 days were strange. At first, I slept a lot. Then I realized that it’s been a while since I have thought about my health. Actually, I’m always anxious these days. At home and at work. Loneliness is almost always here as well. I cried today because the weekend is the worst.
Once again, I want to leave my parents and live on my own. But it’s expensive and they don’t really want me to live by myself because they think that I would struggle with my feelings and everything it takes to live alone.
Music helps me to carry on.
DanielMarch 22, 2020 at 4:06 am #344568
Thank you for your words, that means a lot 🙂
This week, I was very exhausted because of lack of sleep and going to the hospital. I felt like crying in the evening. But I’ve rested and feel better now. I’m ready for that new week coming.
I can’t get tested as long as I don’t have symptoms like fever, dyspnea, cough… I hope that you’re going to be alright.
I feel a bit lonely because some people I care about don’t try to get some news from me. It’s tiring to be the one making contact.
Hopefully, you’re right about the future of the pandemic.
My exams are on stand by so I play music even more in my free time. Yesterday, I wrote my first guitar solo ! My love for music really keeps me sane and I know that this love is going to last.
DanielMarch 19, 2020 at 1:59 pm #344186
I keep going to the hospital and I’m glad to help the doctors. But I’m getting more and more afraid of the pandemic. I think the worst is yet to come and I’m very concerned about the future. Now the situation seems to be under control but for how long? I’ve been in contact with patients with the virus and I’m probably going to catch it (I may have it already). I don’t want to infect my family, I’m more concerned about them than about me. People keep going out even though it’s forbidden (more or less actually). The virus keeps speading, infecting and killing people. I really want this to end and getting back to normal.
How are things in the US?
DanielMarch 19, 2020 at 11:30 am #344154
I hope you’re fine.
Indeed I made a call in order to get a therapy. But I’m not the only one to ask and it takes several months to get an appointment.
Anyway, the world is a mess. I hoop you’re fine. You and every one else.
DanielMarch 7, 2020 at 1:40 am #341956
I’d like to give you some news.
I started going to the gym with two of my friends this week and it was cool ! I’m planning to go there every week.
Concerning meditation, I must admit that it’s harder than I thought to make a habit of it. But I’m not done trying.
I went shopping last week but I didn’t find anything that I really liked.
But there’s something that really bothers me right now. And it’s not the first time. Yesterday, we had a show with my band. I had a bad day working at the hospital and I really wasn’t in the mood to sing. Anyway, I sang my songs and some people gave me compliments. Then, after the show we went to a bar we all like. But I felt very distant from everyone around the table. Disconnected. Like I sometimes feel because of depression. I really want to quit the band. I’ve felt this way a million times since I’m in the band. And I quit the band twice and came back twice. D and K (a friend of mine who is a very good guitarist in the band) are becoming the center of all attention because they are both very good guitarists. Since I’m in the band, I keep telling myself that being a singer is the worst someone can do. It feels like no one cares or listens to me. And since we are several singers, I know that I’m not indispensable. Plus, I know D wants to have sex with K and I would not be surprised to learn that they had sex last night. I really feel left out. I know that depression prevents me from being my true self. Because once in a while when I’m in a good mood, everything seems to work out. People around me even seem to be happy to see me. Anyway, I feel like people around me are not good for me. But they are the only ones I know.