Forum Replies Created
April 5, 2020 at 1:09 pm #347760
“I am not lonely anymore” what happened ? how did you stop feeling lonely like you used to do?
Yeah, hopefully it will happen someday.
I listen to a lot of different genres. Mostly rock though as it is my first love. These days I like to listen to a lot of classic rock (Pink Floyd, Beatles, Beach Boys), funk (Vulfpeck) and indie rock/pop (Rex orange county, Mac demarco, Tom Misch).
It’s always nice hearing from you.
DanielApril 4, 2020 at 1:45 pm #347110
Thank you for thinking about me. I had a 3 day break this week because I was exhausted and I was a bit sick. No fever and no cough though so I guess it wasn’t the coronavirus. These 3 days were strange. At first, I slept a lot. Then I realized that it’s been a while since I have thought about my health. Actually, I’m always anxious these days. At home and at work. Loneliness is almost always here as well. I cried today because the weekend is the worst.
Once again, I want to leave my parents and live on my own. But it’s expensive and they don’t really want me to live by myself because they think that I would struggle with my feelings and everything it takes to live alone.
Music helps me to carry on.
DanielMarch 22, 2020 at 4:06 am #344568
Thank you for your words, that means a lot 🙂
This week, I was very exhausted because of lack of sleep and going to the hospital. I felt like crying in the evening. But I’ve rested and feel better now. I’m ready for that new week coming.
I can’t get tested as long as I don’t have symptoms like fever, dyspnea, cough… I hope that you’re going to be alright.
I feel a bit lonely because some people I care about don’t try to get some news from me. It’s tiring to be the one making contact.
Hopefully, you’re right about the future of the pandemic.
My exams are on stand by so I play music even more in my free time. Yesterday, I wrote my first guitar solo ! My love for music really keeps me sane and I know that this love is going to last.
DanielMarch 19, 2020 at 1:59 pm #344186
I keep going to the hospital and I’m glad to help the doctors. But I’m getting more and more afraid of the pandemic. I think the worst is yet to come and I’m very concerned about the future. Now the situation seems to be under control but for how long? I’ve been in contact with patients with the virus and I’m probably going to catch it (I may have it already). I don’t want to infect my family, I’m more concerned about them than about me. People keep going out even though it’s forbidden (more or less actually). The virus keeps speading, infecting and killing people. I really want this to end and getting back to normal.
How are things in the US?
DanielMarch 19, 2020 at 11:30 am #344154
I hope you’re fine.
Indeed I made a call in order to get a therapy. But I’m not the only one to ask and it takes several months to get an appointment.
Anyway, the world is a mess. I hoop you’re fine. You and every one else.
DanielMarch 7, 2020 at 1:40 am #341956
I’d like to give you some news.
I started going to the gym with two of my friends this week and it was cool ! I’m planning to go there every week.
Concerning meditation, I must admit that it’s harder than I thought to make a habit of it. But I’m not done trying.
I went shopping last week but I didn’t find anything that I really liked.
But there’s something that really bothers me right now. And it’s not the first time. Yesterday, we had a show with my band. I had a bad day working at the hospital and I really wasn’t in the mood to sing. Anyway, I sang my songs and some people gave me compliments. Then, after the show we went to a bar we all like. But I felt very distant from everyone around the table. Disconnected. Like I sometimes feel because of depression. I really want to quit the band. I’ve felt this way a million times since I’m in the band. And I quit the band twice and came back twice. D and K (a friend of mine who is a very good guitarist in the band) are becoming the center of all attention because they are both very good guitarists. Since I’m in the band, I keep telling myself that being a singer is the worst someone can do. It feels like no one cares or listens to me. And since we are several singers, I know that I’m not indispensable. Plus, I know D wants to have sex with K and I would not be surprised to learn that they had sex last night. I really feel left out. I know that depression prevents me from being my true self. Because once in a while when I’m in a good mood, everything seems to work out. People around me even seem to be happy to see me. Anyway, I feel like people around me are not good for me. But they are the only ones I know.
DanielFebruary 23, 2020 at 8:35 am #339592
I’m sorry to hear that you felt so lonely, I hope that it won’t last.
Thank you for your message, it motivates me to start meditating. Thank you for the tips !
DanielFebruary 23, 2020 at 8:32 am #339590
Thank you for your long answer.
I decided to go to the gym once or twice a week with friends of mine. I’m starting next week !
I found Mark William’s series of mindful meditations available on soundcloud. I’m starting this evening and will do my best to do it every evening !
Concerning my social skills : I noticed that I often sound not confident and I don’t really like wearing most of my clothes. It gets worse when I’m tired because people tell me I look sad or angry in those moments (but I don’t). That’s why I decided to get more sleep. It all starts with more sleep in my opinion.
I will do that exercice of looking myself in the mirror even though I don’t like it. I don’t find myself handsome and wish that some things about my body were different. Maybe that will change a bit in the future.
DanielFebruary 20, 2020 at 12:56 pm #339206
I want to thank you for your answers. That means a lot for me and I’m thankful to know you’re here.
I’d like some piece of advice. I’m tired of feeling depressed, it’s been 6 years now. I feel like I’m wasting some of the best years of my life and I keep ending up alone and lonely. I want that to change ! But I don’t know how! Studying has never so hard and time consuming. I barely have time to think about myself and sometimes I forget to take care of myself properly (like eating or sleeping).
I value relationships most of all but I consider mine to be failures for the most of them. They’re superficial and meaningless. That’s not what I long for. But I can’t find new people to meet. I don’t know how ! It’s getting harder and harder to see people around me in romantic relationships when I’ve never properly been in one. Then I ask myself what’s wrong with me?
I’ve been thinking about doing a physical activity. Maybe going to the gym. But I’ve been in this kind of place before and I didn’t really like it. I want to build muscles so that I can build some self confidence at the same time. And clear my thoughts.
I’d like to create an habit of meditating every day as well.
DanielFebruary 16, 2020 at 3:03 pm #338610
Thank you for giving me those new ideas to think about. Maybe I will find some answers on the way.
My mom and I both suffered because of my father’s behaviour and we were glad when I no longer had to see him. I prefer not to elaborate too much on this because I don’t want to share too intimate things on the internet. Thanks anyway anita
DanielFebruary 13, 2020 at 7:22 am #337932
I’d never thought we’d be talking about my mom but maybe you’re right to give it so much importance.
Concerning “the truth” : I think my mom always had good intentions when raising me. She has her own fears and insecurities and sometimes she may hurt me even though it’s not on purpose. Maybe she should have let her fears of seeing me in such a bad state and helped me from the beginning of my depression. And maybe my life would have been much brighter and lighter instead of what it is now.
We both suffered a lot because of my father and it changed my life for the better when I didn’t have to keep seeing him (my parents are divorced).
I’m looking forward to hearing from you,
DanielFebruary 9, 2020 at 11:51 am #337318
You definitely took the time to try and understand me before writing your answer and I thank you a lot for that. I can say without any doubt that you shine with empathy.
Indeed, I’ve been struggling with sadness, depression, anxiety, loneliness for several years now. My mom was raising me for the most part because my dad never really cared about me. She did the best she could and I thank her for that. But when I got heartbroken for the first time, I secluded myself in my room and didn’t share my horrible thoughts and feelings with anyone. My mom did see that something was wrong. But she did not want to believe it and told herself that what happened to me happens to everyone. That everyone can be sad from time to time (which is true). But she refuses to see that it was not an ordinary sadness. I knew it all along that it was something far more terrifying and long lasting. It was depression. And someday, I learnt a very good news : I managed to get into med school. My mom was very happy for me but I wasn’t at all. I could feel that something was wrong. I couldn’t feel happy for myself. A few months later, I had a huge outburst. I went crazy, couldn’t stay in one place for more than a few seconds, I felt madness took control of my body. My mom was crying and she could not not see the truth this time. After that, she and I started looking for a doctor. Eventually, I found one who gave me pills. The pills were quite effective and my mood was better overall. Today, I don’t take pills anymore but I lack having a therapist. The doctor I had was only there to give me pills. I couldn’t have a therapy with him. That’s why I made a call a few weeks ago in order to get a therapy.
Even today, I feel alone in this fight against depression. My mom tries to understand me sometimes but she can’t. I know she wants to help me but doesn’t know how. I don’t think that she can help me either.
About relationships: I have a poor self esteem and I know I lack confidence (even though I feel that it’s getting better with time). Girls can feel when I’m sad and it’s something that make them go away. They don’t want to deal with someone else’s sadness when they’re afraid of their own. I understand. With time, I managed to get better at hiding the pain and my relationships got better. But inside, I feel broken and sometimes it takes a few to make me cry.
I never experienced love in a romantic relationship. For many years, I thought that I was feeling love when I had on crush on all these girls who left me heartbroken. Now, I know that it was not love. I wish I knew love since it is for me the best reason to keep on living. Fortunately, I have my strong love for music. As long as I can give love, I want to live in this world even though I have struggle to feel/receive love from others.
(I had a lot to say, sorry if there are english mistakes or misunderstandings)
PS: my mom loves me
DanielFebruary 8, 2020 at 2:51 pm #337182
It’s funny that you mention empathy fatigue because I first heard of it a few weeks ago. And it particularly speaks to me as a student in med school. Mindfulness may be a solution to that fatigue and that’s one of the many reasons why I’ve been trying to practice mindfulness on a daily basis. I still can’t seem to do it every day.
About what I describe as “being a bit cold to some people” : I noticed that it often happens when I’m sad, tired, depressed. In these moments, my mind focuses on the pain, on myself and I can’t seem to be emotionally engaged with those I interact with. I also noticed that it happens when I interact with a girl who seems to like me in a way that is not reciprocated. I’m used to being on the other side, the one who likes someone too much. I don’t know how to handle it when it’s the other way around. That’s why I act a bit cold in a way to tell the girl that I’m not as enthousiastic as she is when together. I don’t know if it is the right way to do. I know that is has to do with the fear to hurt someone else’s feelings though.
By the way, I wanted to say that I noticed that every saturday evening, I feel especially sad and lonely. Sometimes, I need to get it out my chest and I start crying. I think a lot about people going out, seeing each other, spending happy moments. I guess that I’m envious of those people. “Why don’t you go out then?” Well, I don’t have many friends and even fewer who seem to really love me (though I know that I have troubles when it comes to feeling love from those who love me). And I don’t really have someone to hang out with.
February 2, 2020 at 6:05 am #336280
- This reply was modified 2 months ago by Daniel.
Thank you for your words again. I guess that I need to hear these kind of words from time to time so I can remember who I am.
Indeed, I am ‘hungry for closeness’ and I’ve been learning to feed this appetite for several years with what life offers to me: music for the most part. Of course, it is not as effective as an intimate and loving relationship but I do what I can.
I noticed that I can be a bit cold to some people. Especially when I feel that they show they care about me. It’s as though I’m putting a barrier between them and me. I don’t really know why I do this. I have not thought about it yet. Maybe it has to do with pain. I noticed that I can lack empathy when I feel tired, sad or hurt.
DanielFebruary 1, 2020 at 2:10 pm #336220
It’s amazing to read so much wisdom coming from you ! Indeed, I recognize that I have some issues in the way I perceive relationships. Very often, I can act too close to someone I barely know and aloof to someone who knows me and cares about me. Thank you for giving me the words I needed so I can describe my relationships and get my perception closer to what they really are: a friendly acquaintance, a friendship, a romantic relationship or something else.
I’m afraid of becoming someone who seems cold and distant to the eyes of others. Maybe a part of me is very scared of getting hurt again.