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August 24, 2020 at 2:49 pm #365457
AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
I hope that you will have the opportunity to ask her what you need to know, and that she answers you honestly. Let her know that your purpose is to understand human relationships better (you choose the words to use, of course), not to get her to be your girlfriend, so to encourage her to give you honest answers.
Let me know how it goes.
anita
August 28, 2020 at 1:29 pm #365769
DanielParticipantDear anita,
I texted Y. Actually, she came back yesterday. I asked to see each other but replied that a friend of hers comes to visit her for a few days. I didn’t insist. She asked a bit about how I was doing. Anyway, I’m glad that we can text each other again in a lighter way. I don’t care so much about seeing her or finding out some answers anymore. We may see each other again in a couple of weeks with her group of friends.
Daniel
August 28, 2020 at 1:43 pm #365771AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
I appreciate the update. So you are okay with a light communication with her, in context of a group of friends. It just occurred to me that it may be better for you to aim at a relationship with a woman who you meet not in a group, but individually, and have a one to one relationship from the beginning.
anita
August 29, 2020 at 12:09 pm #365797DanielParticipantDear anita,
You may be right about meeting women individually. But where could such an encounter take place? And why do you think it may be better this way?
Daniel
August 29, 2020 at 2:19 pm #365801AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
I think it will be better to meet women individually vs than in a group context because it will be less complicated: you and the woman will get together only if you want to see each other, not because you share the same group. Individually it will be clear to you if the woman wants to be with you vs. she wants to be with the group and feels that she has to see you because you are part of the group too.
Where can you meet women individually? Online dating perhaps.
anita
August 29, 2020 at 5:25 pm #365808AnonymousInactiveIf you go with a group of her friends, you might make some new friends! Lots of women are shy about meeting a stranger for the first time and would suggest such a group date, or just meeting for coffee. It takes a lot of pressure off of them they feel. I know someone (a guy) who meets the woman for coffee and most of these encounters go nowhere, he is picky or her photos are old and not what he thought she was, or she is picky and feels no chemistry. It feels really awkward to him because its not an official date but at the same time, he recognizes that he doesn’t know this person so an official date can be risky. Seeing this person in a group with her friends will give you a lot of clues about her and how she acts and reacts to others, and may eliminate some of that first date jitters. If she turns out to be unfriendly in person, then one of her friends just might be good to talk to. I would not pay for her meal or drinks if you are meeting in a group though and beforehand you need to clarify her expectations on if this is a date or not. I guess it could be a date where you meet up with a group of people. The other thing is if this is a group thing, you don’t have to sit around when you are ready to go but the other person is glued to their chair. You can get up and leave when you are ready because others will be leaving, too. Good luck with this whatever you decide.
September 2, 2020 at 11:19 am #366003DanielParticipantDear anita and Rose of Yellow,
Thank you for your answers.
I’ve been using some dating apps for a few years. I would delete the apps and eventually download them again a few months later. I actually had some dates but there was always something wrong. I think that the nature of dating apps itself has something to do with that. For instance, I have a male friend who had many one night stands and he used a dating app once. He said to me that he didn’t like it, that it didn’t work for him, that he didn’t get matches and dates. It’s all about looks ! A good looking guy can be unsuccessful with those apps just because he does not have pictures of him that put him in the spotlight or draw some attention.
Plus, some dates can be very awkward when you realize that you don’t like the other person because of something that you could not know on an app (tone of the voice, gestures, the way her face moves when she speaks…).
So I’d rather try and meet girls when I’m with a group. This is something that I never really had the chance to try so I’m up to it.
By the way, I moved today to my flat. I have to say that it’s a strange feeling. It’s a mix of fear and excitement. I hope I won’t feel too lonely.
Daniel
September 2, 2020 at 11:45 am #366007AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
I wish you well meeting young women in a group setting (vs. in the context of online dating apps). And Congratulations (Felicitations) for moving to your own flat!!!
anita
September 6, 2020 at 12:58 pm #366264DanielParticipantDear anita,
I’ve been thinking about seeing a psychologist who practices hypnosis. A year or two ago, I met someone like that and it was a strange experience. I was definitely hypnotized. And I remember feeling very good for the rest of the evening. I felt confident and strong. It was amazing! But somehow, I remember feeling uneasy being hyponotized because I could feel that I was giving control the psychologist some control over me. Like letting go of controling things.
I might try to see this psychologist again. Hypnosis may be what I need. And in the process, I may learn to let go of some things in my life.
Concerning my flat, I have to admit that I am a bit disappointed. My neighbours often make too much noise and it can be hard to focus on studying. Unfortunately, libraries are still closed because of the virus so I have to study at my place. I felt lonely the first two days but the feeling got away. I don’t feel at ease in this new place. I want to give it a try for a few more weeks. And if I don’t like it, I can always come back to my parents’ home. This is not really a flat, it’s a room. So I have to go outside my room to take a shower or to go to the toilet. Living in Paris is very expensive and with what I earn and my parents’ help, that’s all I can get. I don’t want to complain because I can always choose to come back to my parents (which is not as bad as I thought haha). It’s actually a very interesting experience whether it will last or not. I realize that I can manage being alone pretty well !
Concerning my love life, I want to stop having a spot in my mind that always think about being in a relationship. I know it can ruin some potential frienships with girls (like with D). And I feel this way to think is rather unsane and energy costing. I want to focus on the two things I love the most (besides people) : my studies and music !
By the way, I’ve started to listen to more joyful songs and it really helps lifting up my mood !
Daniel
September 6, 2020 at 2:12 pm #366267AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
I understand your discomfort with the noise coming from the neighbors and having to leave your room so to shower and use the toilet. I stayed in Paris for a short time myself and stayed in a room which had a sink, but to shower and use the toilet I had to use the common facilities. But regardless of these discomforts, you do “sound” like you are in a better mood than before, when you lived with your parents. Pay attention to my observation, maybe it is good for you to continue to live in Paris.
I have no experience in hypnosis, but I imagine it is helpful if done with a competent, professional hypnotist. And focusing on your studies and on music, and not on women, at this point, reads like a good idea to me!
Good to read your update, it makes me feel good.
anita
September 21, 2020 at 5:18 am #367004DanielParticipantDear anita,
I hope everything’s alright for you.
You’re right, I sound and feel in a better mood than before. I think I’ve been longing for more independance during those years living with my parents. A girl I work with even told me that she feels that I have more confidence. Still, I think I’m soon going back to my parents. I miss living with them, I miss the food, the feeling of Home. And this time, I would choose to live with them rather than enduring it. But I can say that this has been a good experience overall. I realize the perks of living with my parents. I know that even if I live on my own, it doesn’t increase my loneliness or sadness. I’m not 100% sure about going back home though. I know this is a big decision. I’m afraid to make the wrong choice.
Concerning my feelings, I’d really like to meet new people. But don’t really know how. The concept of romantic love seems to make no sense to me sometimes. And I wonder if it really exists.
Daniel
September 21, 2020 at 9:12 am #367028AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
I am well, thank you for asking. You wrote that you wonder if romantic love really exists- yes it really exists and it brings lots of pleasure and lots of pain to a lot of people. If there was a way to weigh the pleasure vs pain caused by romantic love to the global population, I wonder what the results would be.
As far as the perks at home, the food, for one, and the feeling of Home vs. feeling independent and confident living on your own- I vote for the feeling independence and confidence. But I understand that the feeling of comforting food at a place where at times you felt comfort, is attractive.
anita
September 22, 2020 at 3:07 am #367067DanielParticipantDear anita,
I understand your point. And you may be right.
There is something else that comes in consideration though. I’m starting my 5th year in medecine and I know that this is a very important year (as well as the 6th) because I’m studying for my final exam at the end of the 6th year. Depending on my performance on this exam, I will be able to choose what medical specialty I want and where in France I will practise (which means that I may move to another city in two years). I wonder if this is the best time for me to try living on my own. I fear losing too much time with chores, cooking, going to the supermarket…. But if I come back home, I’m afraid to stop gaining the confidence I’m gaining now from this new experience. I am a bit lost actually.
Daniel
September 22, 2020 at 10:48 am #367093AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
I understand your dilemma. My position is that you choose whatever it is that promotes your success in your 5th and 6th years of your studies.
But what is that choice, is the question. One way to go about it is for you to continue living where you are for a month at a time, and evaluate the situation every month: is living on my own, still serving me, or not? This way, you don’t have the pressure of deciding now for the next two years. Instead, you decide every month for the month to follow.
“I fear losing too much time with chores, cooking, going to the supermarket”- these chores don’t take that much time, do they? And don’t you save time commuting every day, living in the city right now?
“if I come back home, I’m afraid to stop gaining the confidence I’m gaining from this new experience”- I’d say, stay where you are, for as long as you feel this new confidence.
Let’s say you are back home and you have more time because you don’t cook for yourself, but the anxiety created by lack of confidence robs you of focus and energy, so even though you have more time, you make less use of most of your time.
anita
September 24, 2020 at 10:35 am #367165DanielParticipantDear anita,
I’ve made up my mind.
There is another way to think about this. I told myself that wherever I choose to live, I have to accept the place I live. One month ago when I was still living with my parents, I was feeling stuck. For several years, I had this feeling because I didn’t fully accept to live there and I was focusing on all the downsides of it. I thought that I had to move to Paris to change my life, my point of view and that everything will be alright. I wasn’t totally wrong. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that changing my environment would help me in my depression. And I believe it can. If someone lives in an unpleasant and unhealthy environment, it’s understandable that it won’t help in getting better. And it’s still true that home can be unhealthy for me sometimes. But I also realized how valuable it is to live at home with my family. I can see the perks of living at home and I feel ready to embrace living there. I plan on helping more my mom for the chores and I want to learn some meals she cooks. So when I will have to live on my own in two years from now, moving out will feel smoother for me. Overall, I feel confident for the future.
Daniel
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