January 6, 2020 at 1:27 pm #331677
I think that things are over between you and D, as friends and beyond. I suggest that when you see her, greet her just like you greet any other music band member, male or female, same way, somewhat polite and that is all.
Time to let her go, grieve the hopes you had for a two way love story with her and place “the end” at this last page of a one way love story.
Does this make sense to you?
anitaJanuary 6, 2020 at 1:45 pm #331681
It makes sense to me. I need a few days to fully understand that things are over. But when I know today that I need to move on. I’m done with sending her messages spontaneously and thinking about her everyday.
Btw a good friend of mine told me about a month ago that she thinks D is not the kind of girl for me. I guess I should have listened to her.
DanielJanuary 6, 2020 at 2:04 pm #331693
Take these few days to fully understand what you need to understand, let reality sink in slowly. I am glad to read that you are “done sending her messages”, I hope you no longer send her any messages, spontaneous or otherwise. And post again anytime during these coming few days of understanding and adjusting to reality. You will be okay.
anitaJanuary 7, 2020 at 12:38 pm #331887
Thank you for your answer
Today I felt a sad but less than yesterday. I can’t help but feel that I messed everything I had with her. I regret some things I said or done and I long for the friendship I had with her. It makes me really sad to be on bad terms with her. And I think of what she may be thinking about me and that makes me sad too.
I know I’m still caught in this web of thoughts and feelings about her but I wish things had turned some other way when I look at pictures of D and I from two weeks ago.
I realize that I really cut corners/forced my way in this relationship when I should have taken more time to know her and to let her go with gestures and attitude that I really like her.
I know something is wrong (chronic depression and anxiety) with me and after more than a year of telling myself to get some help, I eventually called a therapist yesterday. I’ll have to wait in order to get an appointment but the hardest has been done. I know that I have some social issues and that I can be awkward with people and that needs to be fixed.
DanielJanuary 7, 2020 at 3:13 pm #331901
I am glad you posted an update and hope that you will continue to do so. I am also glad that you called a therapist yesterday, excellent choice. If you do see a good therapist, he or she can help you learn emotional regulation skills (how to not get overwhelmed by emotions) and social skills. Equipped with these skills you will feel more confident in the future.
Lots of people suffer from chronic depression and anxiety but it is not a fate; it is a condition that can improve a whole lot with hard work and patience. I don’t see any reason why you will not greatly improve over time, and before you know it, you will see, things that you feel are impossible for you now, will become a reality!
I know you care a lot what D thinks, but she is not that important, what she thinks now doesn’t matter more than what anyone thinks. Adjust to the fact that she is in reality, no longer important in your life (only in your hopes and dreams that have no basis in reality).
Focus on you getting better, not on her, best you can.
anitaJanuary 19, 2020 at 6:02 pm #334259
I hope you have been well. I just followed this thread. I have been going through something very similar. I expressed my feelings towards a young lady I really liked. She appreciated my authenticity with her and wished us to be friends. The day after that meeting, I was sobbing uncontrollably and felt worthless. It is very interesting in hindsight; I was crying for something that never existed. Now, I still have thoughts of her even though we are friends. I realize that it will take time to heal and move forward. I have learned that relationships are complicated because only the person knows how they truly feel and sometimes it is their own insecurities that can lead them to want to be just friends. It could be that she just wants to get to know me better first or just simply that she wants to be friends. I didn’t mean to rant my own story on your thread but know that you have support! Please keep us updated!
Thanks,January 29, 2020 at 2:15 pm #335712
Hi everyone !
I’d like to give you some news about what happened these last weeks. After 2 weeks without talking or seeing her, I eventually saw D while jamming with the band. She seemed distant from me and I could feel a kind of uneasiness when she had to talk to me about the song we were playing. I felt quite okay at the moment but maybe a bit sad. Then I saw her 3 days ago when we were with the band again. But this time, when she entered the music room, I started feeling very sad. She saw me but ignored me and went to the other side of the room. A few minutes later, I had to leave the room because I couldn’t stand the pain. I know I still feel guilty that things happened this way and that I destroyed my friendship with her. I guess that I need more time so my heart can feel light again. By the way, I have a feeling that she blocked me on messenger these last weeks.
I saw A a few days ago and seemed happy to see me. I’m pretty sure that she “just” want to be friends with me but I’m fine with that. She’s lovely and I’m glad to be her friend and to get to know her slowly.
Thank you Harry for your support!
DanielJanuary 29, 2020 at 4:45 pm #335738
Good to read your update!
Regarding D: “I destroyed my friendship with her”- I don’t think you destroyed a friendship, maybe a friendly acquaintance, not a friendship. There is much less in a friendly acquaintance than there is in a friendship. Regarding A- seems like a friendly acquaintance exists there between you and her. It will be a good thing if you can tell the difference between an acquaintance, a friendship and a romantic relationships- these are three different categories.
Looking forward to read your next update.
anitaFebruary 1, 2020 at 2:10 pm #336220
It’s amazing to read so much wisdom coming from you ! Indeed, I recognize that I have some issues in the way I perceive relationships. Very often, I can act too close to someone I barely know and aloof to someone who knows me and cares about me. Thank you for giving me the words I needed so I can describe my relationships and get my perception closer to what they really are: a friendly acquaintance, a friendship, a romantic relationship or something else.
I’m afraid of becoming someone who seems cold and distant to the eyes of others. Maybe a part of me is very scared of getting hurt again.
DanielFebruary 1, 2020 at 2:56 pm #336228
You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation and kind words.
“I’m afraid of becoming someone who seems cold and distance to the eyes of others”- you seem warm and close in my eyes as I read your recent post, warm and close.
“Very often, I can act too close to someone I barely know”- we all do that, getting too close, too fast, to someone we barely know. If it happens “very often”, then it happens because you are hungry for closeness and you rush to satisfy that hunger. But even when hungry, you can slow down, pace yourself. Do not rush.
“Maybe a part of me is very scared of getting hurt again”- I think so. And we all have a scared part, a part afraid of getting hurt.
You wrote that you act “aloof to someone who knows me and cares about me”- I wonder who it is in your life that you act aloof with. Can you explain to me what you mean by aloof and describe a situation when it happens?
anitaFebruary 2, 2020 at 6:05 am #336280
Thank you for your words again. I guess that I need to hear these kind of words from time to time so I can remember who I am.
Indeed, I am ‘hungry for closeness’ and I’ve been learning to feed this appetite for several years with what life offers to me: music for the most part. Of course, it is not as effective as an intimate and loving relationship but I do what I can.
I noticed that I can be a bit cold to some people. Especially when I feel that they show they care about me. It’s as though I’m putting a barrier between them and me. I don’t really know why I do this. I have not thought about it yet. Maybe it has to do with pain. I noticed that I can lack empathy when I feel tired, sad or hurt.
DanielFebruary 2, 2020 at 10:11 am #336306
“I can lack empathy when I feel tired, sad or hurt”- we don’t always feel empathy, no one does. Feeling empathy is tiring because it uses energy, this is why there is a term called empathy fatigue, used regarding psychotherapists, nurses, doctors, and other professional in the health profession who interact with people who suffer.
I do hope you get to satisfy your hunger for closeness via “an intimate and loving relationship”, sometime in the near future.
You wrote: “I noticed that I can be a bit cold to some people.. I don’t really know why I do this”- if you want, and only if you want, you can elaborate on this, giving me details of a situation where this happens, and I will try to help you understand why you do what it is that you do.
February 8, 2020 at 2:51 pm #337182
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by anita.
It’s funny that you mention empathy fatigue because I first heard of it a few weeks ago. And it particularly speaks to me as a student in med school. Mindfulness may be a solution to that fatigue and that’s one of the many reasons why I’ve been trying to practice mindfulness on a daily basis. I still can’t seem to do it every day.
About what I describe as “being a bit cold to some people” : I noticed that it often happens when I’m sad, tired, depressed. In these moments, my mind focuses on the pain, on myself and I can’t seem to be emotionally engaged with those I interact with. I also noticed that it happens when I interact with a girl who seems to like me in a way that is not reciprocated. I’m used to being on the other side, the one who likes someone too much. I don’t know how to handle it when it’s the other way around. That’s why I act a bit cold in a way to tell the girl that I’m not as enthousiastic as she is when together. I don’t know if it is the right way to do. I know that is has to do with the fear to hurt someone else’s feelings though.
By the way, I wanted to say that I noticed that every saturday evening, I feel especially sad and lonely. Sometimes, I need to get it out my chest and I start crying. I think a lot about people going out, seeing each other, spending happy moments. I guess that I’m envious of those people. “Why don’t you go out then?” Well, I don’t have many friends and even fewer who seem to really love me (though I know that I have troubles when it comes to feeling love from those who love me). And I don’t really have someone to hang out with.
February 8, 2020 at 3:42 pm #337192
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Daniel.
I am looking forward to read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now.
anitaFebruary 9, 2020 at 8:02 am #337266
In order to understand your recent post I went back to your Sept 2019 thread because sometimes the present cannot be explained without looking at the past, often it is so because when we experience lonely and distressing childhoods, we keep re-experiencing that same emotional childhood experience as adults.
The quotes that follow are from your Sept 2019 thread.
The “isolation, loneliness, anxiety, fear and sadness” you referred to back in Sept,I figure was your childhood emotional experience.
“whatever I do and who ever I am with, it’s still the same because I always carry the burden of my thoughts”- whatever you do and whomever you are with as an adult, it is still the same childhood emotional experience, which is what your burden is about.
Here is some of that childhood emotional experience: “no one seems to understand me… My mom struggles to understand.. it’s hard for them to understand me. And I can’t help but feeling alone with my feelings.. My family don’t understand me”. You were referring here to the present time, back in Sept. But this was your experience as a child for years. Neither one of your parents attended to you and engage with you adequately, and neither one noticed that you were so very lonely being unattended to and unengaged with.
Now, back to your recent post Feb 2020: “It often happens when I’m sad, tired, depressed.. my mind focuses on the pain, on myself and I can’t seem to be emotionally engaged with those you interact with.. every Saturday evening, I feel especially sad and lonely” – you are used to be sad as a child and alone with that sadness because no parent noticed or interacted with you regarding your sadness, asking you about it, then comforting you. Fast forward, you feel sad, you are so used to be alone with your sadness that you don’t feel like interacting with others, it doesn’t appear like a possible way for you to feel better, because it wasn’t what happened for years of lonely childhood.
“I also noticed that .. when I interact with a girl who seems to like me in a way that is not reciprocated. I am used to being on the other side, the one who likes someone too much. I don’t know how to handle it when it’s the other way around. That’s why I act a bit cold in a way to tell the girl that I’m not as enthusiastic as she is when together”- as a child, you were the one who liked your mother too much, wanted more than anything that she pays attention to you and interact with you, but she didn’t. You are used to that role, the one wanting.
When a young woman seems interested in you- you are not used to that situation, it is as if you are now an older child, let’s say 10, after .. let’s say 7 years of little to no attention from her, one day she pays you lots of attention- it is like a shock and you don’t know how to handle it. You don’t run to her and exclaim: Mother, you are finally paying attention to me, this is wonderful!
Instead, you are startled, and think/ feel something: what is happening here? I don’t know what to do with this. This startled response and unfamiliarity leads to that cold behavior, if I understand correctly.