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February 9, 2020 at 11:51 am #337318
DanielParticipantDear anita,
You definitely took the time to try and understand me before writing your answer and I thank you a lot for that. I can say without any doubt that you shine with empathy.
Indeed, I’ve been struggling with sadness, depression, anxiety, loneliness for several years now. My mom was raising me for the most part because my dad never really cared about me. She did the best she could and I thank her for that. But when I got heartbroken for the first time, I secluded myself in my room and didn’t share my horrible thoughts and feelings with anyone. My mom did see that something was wrong. But she did not want to believe it and told herself that what happened to me happens to everyone. That everyone can be sad from time to time (which is true). But she refuses to see that it was not an ordinary sadness. I knew it all along that it was something far more terrifying and long lasting. It was depression. And someday, I learnt a very good news : I managed to get into med school. My mom was very happy for me but I wasn’t at all. I could feel that something was wrong. I couldn’t feel happy for myself. A few months later, I had a huge outburst. I went crazy, couldn’t stay in one place for more than a few seconds, I felt madness took control of my body. My mom was crying and she could not not see the truth this time. After that, she and I started looking for a doctor. Eventually, I found one who gave me pills. The pills were quite effective and my mood was better overall. Today, I don’t take pills anymore but I lack having a therapist. The doctor I had was only there to give me pills. I couldn’t have a therapy with him. That’s why I made a call a few weeks ago in order to get a therapy.
Even today, I feel alone in this fight against depression. My mom tries to understand me sometimes but she can’t. I know she wants to help me but doesn’t know how. I don’t think that she can help me either.
About relationships: I have a poor self esteem and I know I lack confidence (even though I feel that it’s getting better with time). Girls can feel when I’m sad and it’s something that make them go away. They don’t want to deal with someone else’s sadness when they’re afraid of their own. I understand. With time, I managed to get better at hiding the pain and my relationships got better. But inside, I feel broken and sometimes it takes a few to make me cry.
I never experienced love in a romantic relationship. For many years, I thought that I was feeling love when I had on crush on all these girls who left me heartbroken. Now, I know that it was not love. I wish I knew love since it is for me the best reason to keep on living. Fortunately, I have my strong love for music. As long as I can give love, I want to live in this world even though I have struggle to feel/receive love from others.
(I had a lot to say, sorry if there are english mistakes or misunderstandings)
PS: my mom loves me
Daniel
February 9, 2020 at 11:59 am #337320
AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
You are very welcome. I am not able to read your recent post at this time beyond the first few line or so because I will be away from the computer for about 17 hours.
One question though regarding this sentence: “My mom was raising me for the most part because my dad never really cared about me”- did your mother tell you that your father didn’t care about you? Did he tell you that he didn’t care about you? Or did his actions (what were they) communicated to you that he didn’t care?
I will read your recent post and anything you may add to it when I am back to the computer. Until then- be good to yourself!
anita
February 10, 2020 at 5:41 am #337390AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
Your mother didn’t see or understand that you were so very miserable until you had “a huge outburst.. went crazy, couldn’t stay in one place for more than a few seconds.. madness took control of my body”.
Only then, “she could not not see the truth this time”.
But what is the truth?
If you manage to answer this question in bold letters, your emotional health will improve a great deal and you will be able to have a healthy, reciprocal love relationship with a woman.
To answer this question, maybe in psychotherapy, you will need courage to see a reality that you don’t want to see because it hurts to see it. Because it is distressful to see it. But once you see it- over time- the distress goes away.
But not seeing it, the distress doesn’t go away.
It is very, very unlikely that you were born to be depressed (depression by the way is what happens to the brain/body after being too anxious for too long, it sort of collapses into exhaustion). Your elevated anxiety and then depression were your responses to what happened in your childhood. Healing is about seeing the truth of your childhood, what actually happened there, and what didn’t happen.
A child raised by his mother in a single parent home loves his mother completely, intensely. He pays attention to her face and her body language and her tone of voice and to what she says very closely, and if she looks or sounds sad or worried, the child will do everything within his power to make his mother happy. He needs her to be happy, so he will do his all to make her happy. But the mother often doesn’t see the child.
anita
February 13, 2020 at 7:22 am #337932DanielParticipantDear anita,
I’d never thought we’d be talking about my mom but maybe you’re right to give it so much importance.
Concerning “the truth” : I think my mom always had good intentions when raising me. She has her own fears and insecurities and sometimes she may hurt me even though it’s not on purpose. Maybe she should have let her fears of seeing me in such a bad state and helped me from the beginning of my depression. And maybe my life would have been much brighter and lighter instead of what it is now.
We both suffered a lot because of my father and it changed my life for the better when I didn’t have to keep seeing him (my parents are divorced).
I’m looking forward to hearing from you,
Daniel
February 13, 2020 at 7:59 am #337940AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
Do give your mother much importance when it comes to your mental health, no person is more powerful in a boy’s life than the person present for the child, usually the mother. It is within the early interactions of the child with his mother, that the child’s brain is formed (the great majority of emotional neuropathways are formed in the first/part of second decades of life).
The focus on the mother is not about hurting her- it is about helping yourself by understanding how you were formed and what to do about it.
“I think my mom always had good intentions”- mothers with good intentions can harm their children anyway because of such things as ignorance and their own anxiety and distress. For example, a mother who is often anxious about her son’s health, asking him if he is feeling unwell, and when he feels unwell, she acts hysterical- this behavior is harmful to the child.
“Maybe she should have let her fears of seeing me in such a bad state and helped me from the beginning”- of course, it would have helped you very much if she did see you in a bad state from the very beginning, instead of leaving you alone with all that distress.
I am adding to what you wrote here the following: the intensity of your distress when you got heartbroken for the first time would have been significantly lower if you had healthy, loving relationships with one or two of your parents.
“She has her own fears and insecurities”- would you like to elaborate on this, on how her fears and insecurities showed in her face, her voice, her words, her behavior?
anita
February 16, 2020 at 3:03 pm #338610DanielParticipantDear anita,
Thank you for giving me those new ideas to think about. Maybe I will find some answers on the way.
My mom and I both suffered because of my father’s behaviour and we were glad when I no longer had to see him. I prefer not to elaborate too much on this because I don’t want to share too intimate things on the internet. Thanks anyway anita
Daniel
February 16, 2020 at 4:58 pm #338614AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
I’ll read and reply to you when I am back to the computer, in about 13 hours from now.
anita
February 17, 2020 at 8:12 am #338692AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
You are welcome. When I asked you how your mother’s fears and insecurities showed on her face, her tone of voice, her words, I didn’t mean that you should share private details of your family life, but how her face looked like to you, how her voice sounded to you- what caused you to feel that she is fearful and insecure.
The prospect of your emotional healing depends on you seeing the whole picture of your childhood. The whole picture of your childhood is bigger than the role of your father in your life. It includes the role of your mother in your life as well.
When a mother and child have a .. common enemy, the father, and they bond over that, it is unhealthy for the child. A partnership over a common enemy should be between adults, not between an adult parent and child.
These things are difficult to look at and consider. I hope that someday you will be able to do so in a quality psychotherapist office. You are welcome to post here anytime you’d like, today, tomorrow, a month from now or a year from now.
anita
February 20, 2020 at 12:56 pm #339206DanielParticipantDear anita,
I want to thank you for your answers. That means a lot for me and I’m thankful to know you’re here.
I’d like some piece of advice. I’m tired of feeling depressed, it’s been 6 years now. I feel like I’m wasting some of the best years of my life and I keep ending up alone and lonely. I want that to change ! But I don’t know how! Studying has never so hard and time consuming. I barely have time to think about myself and sometimes I forget to take care of myself properly (like eating or sleeping).
I value relationships most of all but I consider mine to be failures for the most of them. They’re superficial and meaningless. That’s not what I long for. But I can’t find new people to meet. I don’t know how ! It’s getting harder and harder to see people around me in romantic relationships when I’ve never properly been in one. Then I ask myself what’s wrong with me?
I’ve been thinking about doing a physical activity. Maybe going to the gym. But I’ve been in this kind of place before and I didn’t really like it. I want to build muscles so that I can build some self confidence at the same time. And clear my thoughts.
I’d like to create an habit of meditating every day as well.
Daniel
February 20, 2020 at 2:13 pm #339212AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
You are very welcome.
“I keep ending up alone and lonely. I want that to change! but I don’t know how!”-
– slowly, patiently.
-You are very busy with medical school- it takes most of your time and energy. If there is a way for you to lower your course load (and attend medical school for one more year, let’s say), consider that. Consider taking a year off, if that is possible, or keep it in mind as a possibility.
-A daily exercise routine is an excellent way to uplift yourself from depression. As a matter of fact, I feel quite low right now, but I know that as soon as I take my daily 5.5 km walk outside, in the fresh air, I will feel better. Fast, aerobic exercise is a natural anti-depressant.
– Guided mindfulness meditations are quick and if you give them a chance to work for you, they are effective in calming you down and helping you focus. In my psychotherapy, my homework was to play Mark William’s series of mindful meditations (I believe he is or was a professor in Oxford University who worked on Mindfulness) every day, month after month for a year or two. Some of the sessions go beyond calm and focus. You may want to give his series a try, it is available online last time I checked.
– Develop your social skills, starting with how you present yourself: your clothes, your posture, your body language, your tone of voice. You can practice in front of the mirror, so that you can see how you appear/ sound and figure how to appear in ways you approve of. I figure you want to appear and sound confident, but not too confident, so practice. I wonder if there are classes on the matter, that would be best- being guided by a teacher, observed and given feedback by other students. The idea is to find your individual style of communicating with others, a style that is attractive to others and which you feel comfortable with. I bet there are some quality online resources on the matter.
– Place yourself first in your life. Be a good son to your mother and a good person to others, but place a higher value on making your life about you. Again, stand in front of the mirror and look into your own eyes, make yourself a promise. I will not articulate your promise to yourself; it is for you to find the words and make that promise.
anita
February 20, 2020 at 3:54 pm #339218
HarryParticipantHi Daniel,
I hope you have been well. I am in a similar boat as you. I felt intense loneliness this week. It is weird thinking of the girl I like all the time. I have never been in a proper relationship as well and I felt incomplete as well. Recently, I have been deepening my mindfulness practice and I feel much better in connecting with myself. I agree with Anita that you need to start with you then try to look for people. Let us know if you need any help, my friend!
Thanks,
Harry
February 23, 2020 at 8:32 am #339590DanielParticipantDear anita,
Thank you for your long answer.
I decided to go to the gym once or twice a week with friends of mine. I’m starting next week !
I found Mark William’s series of mindful meditations available on soundcloud. I’m starting this evening and will do my best to do it every evening !
Concerning my social skills : I noticed that I often sound not confident and I don’t really like wearing most of my clothes. It gets worse when I’m tired because people tell me I look sad or angry in those moments (but I don’t). That’s why I decided to get more sleep. It all starts with more sleep in my opinion.
I will do that exercice of looking myself in the mirror even though I don’t like it. I don’t find myself handsome and wish that some things about my body were different. Maybe that will change a bit in the future.
Daniel
February 23, 2020 at 8:35 am #339592DanielParticipantHi Henry,
I’m sorry to hear that you felt so lonely, I hope that it won’t last.
Thank you for your message, it motivates me to start meditating. Thank you for the tips !
Daniel
February 23, 2020 at 9:51 am #339614AnonymousGuestDear Daniel:
You are welcome.
“I noticed that I often sound not confident”- change your tone of voice, make it stronger and practice it in public. If you trust someone, have that person help you with feedback as you try this or that tone of voice, volume, speed of talking and such.
“I don’t really like wearing most of my clothes”- get a few new to you clothes (new or in a used clothes store) that make you feel more comfortable with how you look.
Getting more sleep is an excellent decision!
“I don’t find myself handsome and wish that some things about my body were different”- most people, and almost all young people feel this way. You have a lot of company in this regard. Change what you can regarding your appearance: clothes, hair, cleanliness, body posture, look into people’s eyes when you talk to them, smile when appropriate, practice confident tone and pace of talking- in all these ways you can learn to present yourself to others attractively.
I hope to read about your exercise practice, your experience with the mindful guided meditation series I suggested, as well as your experience in front of the mirror.
anita
March 7, 2020 at 1:40 am #341956DanielParticipantHi everyone,
I’d like to give you some news.
I started going to the gym with two of my friends this week and it was cool ! I’m planning to go there every week.
Concerning meditation, I must admit that it’s harder than I thought to make a habit of it. But I’m not done trying.
I went shopping last week but I didn’t find anything that I really liked.
But there’s something that really bothers me right now. And it’s not the first time. Yesterday, we had a show with my band. I had a bad day working at the hospital and I really wasn’t in the mood to sing. Anyway, I sang my songs and some people gave me compliments. Then, after the show we went to a bar we all like. But I felt very distant from everyone around the table. Disconnected. Like I sometimes feel because of depression. I really want to quit the band. I’ve felt this way a million times since I’m in the band. And I quit the band twice and came back twice. D and K (a friend of mine who is a very good guitarist in the band) are becoming the center of all attention because they are both very good guitarists. Since I’m in the band, I keep telling myself that being a singer is the worst someone can do. It feels like no one cares or listens to me. And since we are several singers, I know that I’m not indispensable. Plus, I know D wants to have sex with K and I would not be surprised to learn that they had sex last night. I really feel left out. I know that depression prevents me from being my true self. Because once in a while when I’m in a good mood, everything seems to work out. People around me even seem to be happy to see me. Anyway, I feel like people around me are not good for me. But they are the only ones I know.
Daniel
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