Dear Anita,

I feel so blessed to have someone that being ready to hear me. Thank you so much Anita. It’s rain here and i hear instrumental piano music right now. I feel so lonely, sometimes i hope i can just writing some stories or articles about this life, about being productive.. but i feel not good enough. Because i still can’t move on from the jealously and insecurity feeling.. i still struggle about how to caring myself, loving myself.. it’s not really easy.. because i always want and hope anybody’s else care..

Today i saw his photos with his colleagues.. i saw him standing besides her.. only that thing, drove me crazy.. the jealously came up again. He looks like really happy in that photo. I don’t know why.. only the thing like this, can make me really uncomfortable and insecure. I even thought about how he treats her when they are at office together.. i know everybody can’t guarantee about their couple.. but i worried a lot. I know that this projected feeling is unnecessary.. but for practice not caring these things is still not easy for me..

How to cure this all.. i feel like this is a disease. To find the other hobbies is hard for me.. i feel like *sadness* in the “inside out” movie.. my heart always feeling blue and i didn’t have any spirit to do anything..

I can’t find my own emotional pain..that u call it original pain.. maybe it’s because habitual in my life..

Maybe i just write here about what’s going on in my life before..

I always feel lonely.. even when my Dad  was still alive that time.. even i have some friend, some bestfriend whose care about me.. and now, i feel like nobody in this world as good as my Dad.. nobody love me as much as my Dad.. and i feel my mom never care about me. She always worried about her new family and children. But i don’t really thing about that. Because i already forgive her, about left us behind.

After my Dad passed away, i can’t trust anybody. I can’t tell everything to others. I became more introvert. But i still can be friendly and cheerful, even my heart feel empty inside. Sometimes i could be frustrated and thought what’s my life purpose. What i suppose to do.. and when i hear, read and look at another people life, i thought it’s so complicated as my life before and i ask myself, why.. what is the real meaning of being alive.. it’s just work, get money, sometimes do some charity, hang out with friends,etc. Sometimes i don’t know why, but i feel those all is boring..

Thank you Anita