Dear Nia:

You are very welcome.

“I can’t find my own emotional pain.. that u call it original pain… my mom never care about me. She always worried about her new family and children. But I don’t really think about that. Because I already forgive her, about left us behind”-

– your original pain is what you felt when your mother left you behind and had a “new family and children”, having replaced you with another child, abandoning you.

That original pain was so intense that you shut it down, pushed it down underneath your awareness. So you don’t feel it about your mother. But that pain is not gone- it awakens in context of your husband.

“Today I saw his photos with his colleagues.. I saw him standing besides her.. drove me crazy.. the jealousy came up again”- the jealousy, the anger, the pain came up from underneath. Seeing him with another woman connected in your brain to feeling that he is replacing you with another woman, just as your mother replaced you with new children.

“I always feel lonely”- just as you felt as a child, being left behind by your mother.

“I always feel lonely.. even when my Dad was still alive”- see, you were lonely because your mother left you. Your father was not enough for you, because you were hurt so badly by your mother leaving you behind. When he passed away, you lost him too, in addition to have lost your mother long before.

When our mother leaves us early in our lives, it creates a hole in our hearts, an emptiness (“even my heart feel empty inside”), and life feels meaningless (“what is the real meaning of being alive.. it’s just work, get money..”).

If you become aware of your original pain, if it comes up from underneath, bit by bit, the pain will lessen and lessen over time, you will heal and feel better and better, and you will find meaning in life.

Is there a way for you to attend quality psychotherapy/ counseling, so that a therapist will help you bring up what I believe is your original pain, and continue your healing process?

anita