I’d say, break up. What I see in your situation is a man who treats you bad and youre unwillingness to let go, though this situation doesn’t make you feel loved and cared about, and this, IMHO, is not how it should be when in relationship.
You’re saying you are afraid of not finding love again, but guess what? In the situation you’re describing you will not find love for sure. The man messes with other women, humiliates and abuses you and etc. Does that sound like love? Not for me. Alas, your in LDR after 4,5 years? And no intention of moving together? For me it screams: the man is stringing you along!
You’re also talking about controlling the mans behaviour. I’d say – loosen up, woman. Your job is to take care of you, not some guy who treats you bad. It is his way and his decision to behave in a certain way, so let him. He is not a child to be told to behave in certain ways, he IS able of evaluating the effect of his behaviour.
I’ve had hard times letting go this type of relationships as well: it felt like I’m working hard constantly (putting up with their disrespectful behaviour, not stepping for myself out of fear to loose what I thought was love), whereas the guys were getting the benefits of it – a non-confrontational girlfriend, who only asks “how high” when given the instruction to jump.
What is most important when loosing this pattern of behaviour in relationships is a right state of mind. You’re not wronging someone by leaving them in this case. You’re just allowing them to experience the consequences of THEIR behaviour, e.g. you treat me with no respect – I leave.
I suggest you to read an amazing blog called baggage.reclaim.co.uk – theres absolutely everything you have to know in order to start loving and respecting yourself more and making yourself available for healthy relationships. Combined with wisdom of Tiny Buddha it makes wonders!
Best of luck!