Hi Mary,

I hope you are feeling better today and have a slight break from the thoughts going round in your head about him. I have been there and know how it feels.

From reading your post a few things stood out to me:

1) he is anxious too. It seems odd that he can say he loves you without knowing you. When this happened to me I felt so flattered but also kind of suspicious like hey you dont know me yet and you are talking about love. I dont know the answer here- either he wears his heart on his sleeve so falls in love quickly with people (and can fall out of love also quickly) or he is anxious so wants to push the relationship faster and faster so you dont leave him and he gets what he wants or a third option I haven’t thought of yet. I am sure there are lots of reasons.

2. It is so hard but you cant let your worth depend on him. I think our brains find it so easy to ruminate and ruminate on stuff especially when they get the ‘high’ of him writing back and acknowledging us but thay only temporarily ammends the anxiety until next time or until the phone call ends. I know how hard it is but things like yoga, walking, or distraction can help.

3. I couldn’t believe ‘someone like him’ could love ‘someone like me’. He was this brilliant peacock that walked into my life and I felt like a grey pigeon. But in liking me I felt a million dollars, loved, safe, secure, chemistry etc etc. It was an addictive feeling. But deep down I thought he would leave as I thought I dont deserve a man like him. He was also older (like in your situation) so I almost saw him as this demi God who knew “life” better than me, that had had all this relationship and life experience and I felt like a baby toddling behind him but not actually getting to his level.. which meant that I went out my way to please him.. which when I did felt amazing but when I didnt felt awful. This may not be the case in your situation.  All i can say is when he left I had to do the hard work of learning to like myself, learning to have self worth etc which is still ongoing and painful. He was like a short cut to those feelings but couldn’t give me them all the time (and that’s not the basis of a healthy relationship anyway) and so it’s back to square 1.

In terms of advice I would say leave him be and dont message him too much. He may be the kind of guy that likes the chase, and the thrill of it all e.g my guy that left said I was too nice and too emotional, so if you act harder to get and just like on your A game at work and with your hobbies and not wait for him to call he may be like wow this is a strong woman and someone I want to be with (as deep down he feels weak) and is someone who shows they are capable and able to handle stuff.

I may be way off the mark with this but I wanted to share these thoughts as its what came to mind as I read it.

In terms of the thoughts in your head. I would say the headspace app has helped me as has Michael Singer videos and also has learning about my myres briggs personality type as that has helped me have more compassion for myself. Yoga and walking or getting outside has also helped.