Dear Lisa,

I can completely relate to your story and your emotions. I am experiencing my first break up, in my early twenties, after a year-long relationship with a guy who is also Indian, an only child and the reason we supposedly cannot be together now is that his family believes in arranged marriages. I have posted my full story on a separate form titled “claim he is not choosing his parents, rather he is losing me” if you are interested in reading my entire story.

In my relationship what really hurt me the most was the dishonesty on his part for not telling me from the very beginning the expectations of his family. We both belong to the same culture and religion, so he would constantly reassure me it would never be a problem but was always afraid to tell his parents about me (again, my full story is already posted and it hurts to retype it), anyways fast forward, after he told his parents they had very extreme reactions and well eventually said they would not be accepting and primarily because they did not “choose” me. They didn’t even bother talking to me because his mother was just too stubborn in her own ways according to him. We have been going back and forth but the relationship has recently ended for good.

I have been a mess as well, constantly going through emotions where I am fine, then sad, then angry, and then just feeling numb from all the hurting. It has been almost a week but the pain is still very sharp. I have surrounded myself with a strong support system of my family and friends which has been really helpful but of course, it is still taking time to heal. I am focusing on other things in my life that I use to enjoy doing, but the pain really stems from this first heartbreak which I truly believed to be “the one” for me. As time passes, I am realizing that our relationship was bound to end and maybe the sooner it happened the better. Such cultures and traditions are deeply rooted in many South Asian families (I speak from experience), and you can never truly free yourself from it, and it is the worst when you do marry into it. You are expected to compromise your life and revolve everything around theirs, although it does depend on the person, it is still the case for many individuals.

I cannot give an exact estimate as to how long the pain will last since I am currently going through it, but I do find that it is slowly, slowly getting better. I started becoming obsessed with how I could have saved the relationship or why this all was happening but once you start to accept and focus on the healing process then it does get better. To be honest I am still learning and trying to relieve the pain so when I fully do then I would be happy to share more of my thoughts on the matter with you. For now, all I can suggest is to really focus on distracting yourself, meditating (I just started but I have read that it can do wonders for a person), and journaling. Do what you need to feel comfortable and my advice is to try not to call and text. I did call him a few times after the breakup and the same with him but the thing is no matter what the outcome will not change and talking just delays the healing process. However, when I did make the call it did feel better to get it out of my system so I am not sure if it was still the right thing to do but at the time I needed to and after I felt better, but for the future, I am going to try and avoid it. Just don’t be too harsh on yourself, it’s okay to go through these phases, I am learning it is all part of the process to feeling better.

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for offering to be there for me…I really appreciate it. It is unfortunate that we are both dealing with similar situations but it is certainly a relief knowing that I am not alone. I agree with the points Anita has mentioned, you were indeed very admirable in this relationship and took actions on your part to ensure it could work in every way possible. I do not think Dave did, in fact, I truly believe he knew well before dating you, considering he also had a “five-year relationship” before you what his parent’s expectations were which I think should have clearly been communicated to you at the very start of your relationship. Again, I agree with Anita, there is indeed hypocrisy in your story.

I also thought I would marry this person, I told my friends and family all about the life I imagined for us. As time passes though I again reflect back and think, would I want to marry a person with a family that is judging me about things that are not in my control, would I want a man that cannot be honest and sincere with me, do I want a man that cannot simply stand or keep up with the promise he gave me, because all of those things are what love is made of us? So in my opinion, although my boyfriend did tell me he loved me too, it was not the kind of love that I would want in my future marriage or long-term relationship. Even though Dave claims he loved you which I do not want to say he did or did not, I do think two-weeks is too little of time to truly love someone, and even if he did, he simply did not prioritize that love which is something you certainly deserve.

Lisa, I grew up seeing horrible relationships around me especially the marriage of the closest people to me. I have seen countless divorces, betrayals, and subconsciously I started believing this was the outcome of all relations. But, when we think about it on an individual level, it is merely two incompatible people trying to save a marriage which makes it a disaster followed by other environmental factors. Just think had you married Dave there would have been a mountain of problems coming your way, resulting in a potential break-up.

This is a lot to absorb and I don’t want to keep rambling, so for now, it is healthy to take the time and just feel the sadness and when you are ready to talk about it more, I would love to share. One thing I suggest that has helped me is writing a list of all the things that were wrong in this relationship and your expectation of a loving and caring relationship, including for me at least, a loving family-in-law life. I read that when I have the temptation to contact him because at that time I am only focused on the good memories, and re-reading my original forum post because Anita generously helped paint a more clear picture for me, also makes me feel better.

Dear Lisa:

As I read your post I felt appreciation for how well you write, it is almost a pleasure to read from you. Almost a pleasure because you are sad, of course, suffering “anxiety and loss”, as the title of your thread indicates.

Emotional attachment of the kind you have to this man is a powerful force. No wonder it takes time and self care to recover from the dissolution of such attachment. Good to read that you are feeling better. I hope you endure the sadness and know that you are okay and that you will be okay.

I hope to read more from you, anytime you want to share your thoughts and feelings, please do.

anita

Dear Lisa:

“he always made me feel better no matter what the situation”- this situation, he created it for you. I don’t think he is the one to be contacted so to help you feel better about a pain that he is much responsible for creating.

Do express yourself here, more than you have. Share your thoughts, your feelings, anything that comes to mind and heart. Type it all away, tell it like it is. It may help you feel  much better.

anita