Dear anita,

Here are some thoughts about what you wrote earlier :

Once again, I think that the feelings I have today have something to do with my relationship with my father. As you wrote, I don’t want to be like him and because of this I may have trouble seeing that I am in fact a bit like him. I know that I can act in an angry way sometimes. And I don’t know why. Sometimes I yell at my mom and I don’t know why. I’m still very afraid of the idea to see my father again.

I may be frustrated to see that life is not like I wanted it to be. That even now, as a 23 year old man, I still struggle almost everyday with sadness, anxiety, fear and anger.

Concerning my relationships, I am almost always disappointed by others. Maybe I expect too much from them. That’s why I tend to think that I should rely on no one but myself. And I know how insane it is. As a doctor, I know that I will have to count on  others to do my best for my patients.

I have an issue when it comes to what people around me feel about me. I feel close to no one and feel like no one among my friends really care about me (even when they tell me they do). It’s hard to be 23 and to tell myself that I have never truly been in a relationship. It breaks my self esteem even more and I tell myself once again that something must be wrong with me.

I know that I have a part of me that wants me to fail. Self loathing. If I don’t feel things are the way I planned with a girl, I prefer to stop the relationship. I think that I expect too much and feel disappointed again. I may look for something that does not exist.

I don’t agree that people want to help sad people. I think they run from them because facing them means facing their own sadness and insecurities.

By the way, I eventually move to my own flat in two weeks. I’m very excited about it even though it means having more responsibilities.

Last time I wrote to Y was Monday evening. It was hard not sending her any messages but I somehow succeeded. I still don’t know if we’re still going to see each other and if so, when it will be.

Daniel