@Shelbyville,

Ah you have no idea how pleased for you I am. You got there in the end. You are loved. You are happy. You are flourishing. I love to see it! You finally got to where you wanted to be. The new BF sounds like he is doing wonders and I’m so glad that you have got someone like that in your life.

Try not to stress too much about work (I know it’s easier said then done as even my job is exhausting at the moment) but work is just work. Keep doing what you’re doing. + I am so proud of you for hearing about your boundaries and you prioritising yourself against all odds. Your family will soon adjust to this change, they just need time, it isn’t something that they’re used to particularly as you are someone who would happily drop everything just to be there for the people you love.

There has been so much good advice on here the last 2+ years, I’m not sure why I’m just incapable of accepting it to be honest. I genuinely believe that Trauma and my PTSD has made me a cripple. I am so sad at my own self. I am clearly quite unhappy & yet so afraid and so unprepared to make any change. I’m terrified in all honesty. Over the last three weeks or so Mr A and I have been having real cut throat conversations. Last night he said he would move out by the weekend.. whether he actually will or not is a different story but I am lost. I really wish that those two years ago he never came back, I wish that I accepted he walked away and that was that. Now we’re stuck in a rut of no one wanting to make the final call, not really sure how to go about it even if we do. How do you just move out from a home you’ve shared? Do I go out whilst he packs and leaves and then come back to emptiness? Do I help him back and have our goodbyes and watch him leave? It’s too much for me in all honesty. I feel like although I have already been and gotten through the worst, that I won’t be able to get through this – it hasn’t even happened yet and I already can’t deal. I’m waking up everyday with crippling anxiety unable to even work. Ugh. Why am I like this?

So all in all, I’m still the same old Kammy. And oh so disappointed in myself.