Dear Rob:

I am sorry that you feel so lost and in pain. I hope that with more understanding of your situation and some time, you will feel much better.

You shared that you met your wife when you were 17 and 18, seventeen years ago (now 34 and 35). The two of you share many memories, “a house and 3 wonderful kids”. There’s been trouble in the marriage for some time, and four times this year she told you that the two of you are finished. This past Monday was the fourth time. She told you that the two of you “are finished because she’s tired of the way (you) make her feel”, and that the two of you will be living as roommates in separate bedrooms until separate living arrangements are made.

You shared that neither she nor you has had “a decent social life” outside the marriage, that you’ve always been “a terrible communicator”, that you’ve never “been great at holding conversations with her”, not having much to talk about aside from your daily lives and your children, that her mother passed away last year while you were going through a moderate depression and she experienced “the deepest depression she’s every experienced”, and you weren’t there for her.

“I know where I failed as a husband. I didn’t come through on my promises to change and make her feel a connection.. at first I wasn’t upset by this because I know I’m bad for her”-

– my questions for you, if I may:

1. “I failed as a husband”- did she fail as a wife?

2. “I didn’t come through on my promises to change and make her feel a connection”- did she ever mention that she needs to change, and what she needs to do to connect with you?

3. “I’ve always been a terrible communicator”- has she been an excellent communicator, do you think?

4. What was your moderate depression about this past year?

5. When she told you that she hates the way you make her feel, did she tell you what that feeling is, that you make her feel?

anita

Dear Rob:

I will need to re-read your recent post tomorrow morning, when I am more focused. For now, I would like to add that there is a general tendency many women have, to expect men to make it all better;  to expect a man to take her hand and lead her to the happily ever after ending of a fairytale. These expectations are not fair to men because men are not super-human. Men.. are people too, just like women. Men get scared, hurt and depressed, overwhelmed..  not knowing what to do next- just like women get,  and even more so, because of failing women’s unrealistic expectations of men.

You are welcome to add anything that you think may be relevant and I will be back to your thread in about 16 hours from now.

anita

Dear Rob:

This is my best understanding of your situation, given the limited information you provided. You are welcome to correct me where I may be wrong:

During the marriage, when there were problems in your life or in your wife’s life, the two of you did not work as a team to solve those problems together and make your lives better. She tried to work with you as a team when she told you what things she needed you to do: “She told me that I could do the things that she was needing from me then our marriage would in turn change and make her more loving toward me and make her happier”.

She repeatedly tried to communicate with you and to connect with you, to form a team, but when there were problems, when things did not go your way- through no fault of her own- you turned against her by expressing anger at her (instead of working with her, approaching the problems with an attitude of cooperation and patience).

She told you that you “had no reason to give attitude when things were out of her control”- when things went wrong, outside of her control, you gave her an attitude, meaning you expressed anger at her. She told you that “she’s tired of the way (you) make her feel… tired of feeling like she did something wrong and the feeling of being alone”-

– this suggests to me that when things did not go your way, when you were unhappy, frustrated, etc., you turned against your wife angrily, accusing her somehow of causing your unhappiness, accusing her of doing something wrong. Maybe you expressed your anger and accusations passive-aggressively, in tone of voice, in subtle suggestions that she is doing something wrong, that she is the Problem. Maybe when angry you withdrew, giving her the silent treatment.

She told you that she is tired of being alone because although she tried to work with you as a team-of-two, you insisted on remaining separate from her, living an alone-life in the context of sharing a house/ everyday life with her. She tried and tried to communicate with you and connect with you, but she failed again and again, and eventually- she gave up: “she got tired of putting in effort and not receiving anything back”.

When she spent a year in deep depression last year, feeling “alone in a full house”- she realized that the marriage was not working for her, and she suggested to separate.

At first, you were not upset by your wife wanting to separate because, you wrote: “I know I’m bad for her”, and you wrote: “I’ve lost her for good this time… I’m afraid the wounds I’ve caused are too deep for repair”.

In your original post you asked for “advice on what to do”- my suggestions:

1. Keep your the promise you made to her, a promise she thanked you for: “I let her now that I’ll do my best to make this easy for her and that I’ll go about it as any other day but without intimacy. She thanked me for that”.

2. Aim at succeeding where you failed before. You failed at connecting with another person, failed at working with another as a team, with an attitude of cooperation and patience.

Make a change: start connecting and working as a team with your own children, as is appropriate. This will benefit your children, will make you feel better as a father, and your wife will be able to witness that you are capable of connecting patiently with other people, patiently and positively.

You wrote: “I know where I failed as a husband. I didn’t come through on my promises to change and make her feel a connection”- but you can succeed as a father and you can change, and make your children feel a connection with you.

If you try to show your wife that you can change as a husband- that is not likely to work because she already gave up on you as a husband (and that’s why she doesn’t feel sad about separating from you). Your only chance to show her that you can and will change as a husband- is to show her that you changed already as a father.

It will take time for you to change as a father and for her to see and trust that indeed you changed as a father- but you do have the time and opportunity because you and your wife are still sharing the house for a while. Even if/ when the two of you live separately, she will still have the opportunity to witness how differently you interact with the children.

Post again if you’d like.

anita

Dear Rob:

You are welcome.

“I’m fearful that even if I change as a father my time with her has passed”- I understand, but changing as a father to the better will help your children and it will help you to feel better about yourself. It also increases the chances of reuniting with your wife.

“she hasn’t overcome the depression. It’s there everyday. She wanted me to help her overcome it and I failed”- you suggested earlier that she became deeply depressed as a result of her mother passing last year. For the purpose of understanding the nature of her depression better, I ask: what do you know about the relationship she had with her mother, as a child and as an adult?

“Do you think it’s a good idea if I stay somewhere else temporarily or should I stay in the home?”- I don’t know, it depends on her preference. If you stay somewhere else she may feel more lonely and more depressed, or she may feel better. She may feel better followed by feeling worse.

You can ask her, but do so in a casual manner, saying something like: I am willing to stay elsewhere for a couple of days, to give you some time alone, if you want. If she doesn’t answer you in a decisive way, tell her to take her time considering your offer and get back to you.

anita

Dear Rob:

Your recent post makes sense to me. It’s the right thing for you to do: to move out as soon as you want to. (It’s not selfish of you to remove yourself from an experience that will bring you agony).

* I will be away from the computer for a couple of hours.

anita

Dear Rob:

I was in a rush answering you yesterday, so I want to elaborate on my answer. You asked me what I think about your plan to move out. You wrote: “I can’t live in the same home as she moves on with her life. I need to begin my healing process”- so far, your reasoning makes sense to me, I am all for you beginning your healing process.

You went on: “Living with her and not being able to express my love is going to be agony”- living with her and not being able to express your anger may be agony as well, won’t it? I mean, the problem in the marriage was your anger, anger that took away from love. When angry, you did not feel (or express) love to her. I am concerned that you want to move out as an act of anger, to show her, once again, that she is wrong (in wanting to move on with her life).

You wrote earlier: “I know I’m bad for her.. I’m afraid the wounds I’ve caused are too deep to repair”- take responsibility for these two things. Don’t cause her yet another wound, don’t be bad for her yet again by turning against her with anger.

Remember the promise you made to her: “I let her know that I’ll do my best to make this easy for her”, and she thanked you for that. Keep your promise, be good to her this time, make it easy for her.

It is okay for you to move out- but don’t do it angrily, don’t do it with the message that she is doing something wrong and therefore you are angry. After all, she is doing something right and good when separating from a man who has been bad for her, by your own admission.

I still think that my previous advice to you is good, regarding improving your communication and connection with your own children, interacting with them positively and patiently-  so to become a better father, feel better about yourself for it, and she will be able to witness your improvement with them. Treat her positively and patiently as well, no matter how angry or sad you may feel at any one time.

anita