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Wife wants separation and doesn’t feel sad about it.

HomeForumsRelationshipsWife wants separation and doesn’t feel sad about it.

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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • #371149
    Rob
    Participant

    I would like to share my story. My wife and I met 17 years ago. We were 17 and 18 years old at the time. We have a house and 3 wonderful kids. We created many memories together throughout that time. This past Monday she told me that we are finished because she’s tired of the way I make her feel. It didn’t come as a surprise because that’s the 4th time this year that its happened and we’ve had many conversations throughout our past about becoming better spouses for one another and me always failing to do enough. The history of that is long so ill try to keep it to the need to know items.

    I’ve always been a terrible communicator, to be honest I didn’t do it enough. She always wanted to know what I thought about our marriage and I would only ever her tell her the good because I feared upsetting her with any negative feelings as I always felt I had no place to bring them up as she puts up with all of my downfalls. I’ve never been great at holding conversations with her because we didn’t have much to talk about aside from our day to day lives and our children. Neather of us have a decent social life outside of our marriage.

    Last year her mother passed away, at the time I didnt know it but I was going through moderate depression. I wasn’t there for her throughout this time and it caused her to spiral into the deepest depression she’s ever experienced, she felt alone in a full house. I know where I failed as a husband. I didn’t come through on my promises to change and make her feel a connection. I told her that I’m still in love with her but I understand that she needs to do this. She can’t continue the same cycle. She told me that I’ll always have a special place in her heart but that she needs to find her happy and so do I. She said that I’m and amazing person but that we both want different things. We live together and that we are only roommates now. We will have separate bedrooms until we can figure out seperate living arrangements.

    To be honest at first I wasn’t upset by this because I know I’m bad for her and I want her so desperately to be happy but now it hurts so much. I always thought we’d grow old together. I let her know that I’ll do my best to make this easy for her and that I’ll go about it as any other day but without intimacy. She thanked me for that and said that she knows she’s making the right decision because she’s not sad about it.

    I’m sorry for my ramble, it’s hard for me to convey my feelings in logical thought patterns and put them down in text.

    I need advice on what to do. I know I’ve lost her for good this time and I wish that there was a chance in reconciling but I’m afraid that the wounds I’ve caused are too deep for repair. I love her with every ounce of my being. I’ve accepted this and I think thats why I wasn’t sad to begin with but I can’t help but feel pain now. I’m so lost.

    Thank you.

    #371163
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rob:

    I am sorry that you feel so lost and in pain. I hope that with more understanding of your situation and some time, you will feel much better.

    You shared that you met your wife when you were 17 and 18, seventeen years ago (now 34 and 35). The two of you share many memories, “a house and 3 wonderful kids”. There’s been trouble in the marriage for some time, and four times this year she told you that the two of you are finished. This past Monday was the fourth time. She told you that the two of you “are finished because she’s tired of the way (you) make her feel”, and that the two of you will be living as roommates in separate bedrooms until separate living arrangements are made.

    You shared that neither she nor you has had “a decent social life” outside the marriage, that you’ve always been “a terrible communicator”, that you’ve never “been great at holding conversations with her”, not having much to talk about aside from your daily lives and your children, that her mother passed away last year while you were going through a moderate depression and she experienced “the deepest depression she’s every experienced”, and you weren’t there for her.

    “I know where I failed as a husband. I didn’t come through on my promises to change and make her feel a connection.. at first I wasn’t upset by this because I know I’m bad for her”-

    – my questions for you, if I may:

    1. “I failed as a husband”- did she fail as a wife?

    2. “I didn’t come through on my promises to change and make her feel a connection”- did she ever mention that she needs to change, and what she needs to do to connect with you?

    3. “I’ve always been a terrible communicator”- has she been an excellent communicator, do you think?

    4. What was your moderate depression about this past year?

    5. When she told you that she hates the way you make her feel, did she tell you what that feeling is, that you make her feel?

    anita

     

     

    #371164
    Rob
    Participant

    Anita,

    1. I don’t think she failed as a wife. I honestly never thought about it though. I wanted to be better for her.

    2. She told me that if I could do the things that she was needing from me then our marriage would in turn change and make her more loving toward me and make her happier. She got tired of putting in effort and not receiving anything back.

    3. She is far superior in terms of communicating. Although I did feel at times my points weren’t seen or heard when I did say something but I attributed that to bad timing on communicating my feelings because I would usually try to do it when when she was opening up to me.

    4. The depression came from a lack of friends in my life outside of immediate family. I still don’t have many friends but I have one who I usually do something with every couple of weeks.

    5. She said that she’s tired of feeling like she did something wrong and the feeling of being alone. That I had no reason to give attitude when things were out of her control.

    -rob

    #371168
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rob:

    I will need to re-read your recent post tomorrow morning, when I am more focused. For now, I would like to add that there is a general tendency many women have, to expect men to make it all better;  to expect a man to take her hand and lead her to the happily ever after ending of a fairytale. These expectations are not fair to men because men are not super-human. Men.. are people too, just like women. Men get scared, hurt and depressed, overwhelmed..  not knowing what to do next- just like women get,  and even more so, because of failing women’s unrealistic expectations of men.

    You are welcome to add anything that you think may be relevant and I will be back to your thread in about 16 hours from now.

    anita

    #371170
    Ramona
    Participant

    Hello Rob,

    I also have issues with my relationship. Will Smith once said that it is not his responsibility to make his wife happy, this really made me think..

    “Her happiness is not my responsibility. She should be happy and I should be happy Individually. Then we come together and share our happiness. Giving someone a responsibility to make you happy when you can’t do it for yourself is selfish.”

    #371176
    Rob
    Participant

    Ramona,

    While I see your point I’m not following on how this applies to my situation unless I’m missing something.

     

    #371188
    Rob
    Participant

    Anita,

    My wife and I had a discussion of arrangements yesterday. We talked about finances, kids schedules, living arrangements and so on.

    She told me Monday that she wasn’t sad about her decision to move forth with the separation. However she started to cry during our talk yesterday were we discussed our living arrangement until our lease is up and that we would both go our seperate ways when its over. Obviously we would still have to talk and be a part of each other’s life’s for the kids.

    Seeing her cry when talking about living separately and the end goal to be a divorce made me think that she does care. That she doesn’t want to do this but that she needs to in order to move forward and begin her healing process.

    I desperately hope for a chance at reconciliation but I’m fearful that there isn’t and I don’t know if I should continue to hope for that.

    I’ve been thinking about the talk her and I had and my conclusion is that living together may be a bad idea. It’s going to slow both of our healing processes. I dont want to accidentally find out that she started dating someone new or something else that means that she’s gone forever because it’ll feel like my heart is being crushed again.

    Please know that I dont blame her at all for my broken heart. I understand why she’s doing this but it doesn’t make this any easier.

    #371189
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rob:

    This is my best understanding of your situation, given the limited information you provided. You are welcome to correct me where I may be wrong:

    During the marriage, when there were problems in your life or in your wife’s life, the two of you did not work as a team to solve those problems together and make your lives better. She tried to work with you as a team when she told you what things she needed you to do: “She told me that I could do the things that she was needing from me then our marriage would in turn change and make her more loving toward me and make her happier”.

    She repeatedly tried to communicate with you and to connect with you, to form a team, but when there were problems, when things did not go your way- through no fault of her own- you turned against her by expressing anger at her (instead of working with her, approaching the problems with an attitude of cooperation and patience).

    She told you that you “had no reason to give attitude when things were out of her control”- when things went wrong, outside of her control, you gave her an attitude, meaning you expressed anger at her. She told you that “she’s tired of the way (you) make her feel… tired of feeling like she did something wrong and the feeling of being alone”-

    – this suggests to me that when things did not go your way, when you were unhappy, frustrated, etc., you turned against your wife angrily, accusing her somehow of causing your unhappiness, accusing her of doing something wrong. Maybe you expressed your anger and accusations passive-aggressively, in tone of voice, in subtle suggestions that she is doing something wrong, that she is the Problem. Maybe when angry you withdrew, giving her the silent treatment.

    She told you that she is tired of being alone because although she tried to work with you as a team-of-two, you insisted on remaining separate from her, living an alone-life in the context of sharing a house/ everyday life with her. She tried and tried to communicate with you and connect with you, but she failed again and again, and eventually- she gave up: “she got tired of putting in effort and not receiving anything back”.

    When she spent a year in deep depression last year, feeling “alone in a full house”- she realized that the marriage was not working for her, and she suggested to separate.

    At first, you were not upset by your wife wanting to separate because, you wrote: “I know I’m bad for her”, and you wrote: “I’ve lost her for good this time… I’m afraid the wounds I’ve caused are too deep for repair”.

    In your original post you asked for “advice on what to do”- my suggestions:

    1. Keep your the promise you made to her, a promise she thanked you for: “I let her now that I’ll do my best to make this easy for her and that I’ll go about it as any other day but without intimacy. She thanked me for that”.

    2. Aim at succeeding where you failed before. You failed at connecting with another person, failed at working with another as a team, with an attitude of cooperation and patience.

    Make a change: start connecting and working as a team with your own children, as is appropriate. This will benefit your children, will make you feel better as a father, and your wife will be able to witness that you are capable of connecting patiently with other people, patiently and positively.

    You wrote: “I know where I failed as a husband. I didn’t come through on my promises to change and make her feel a connection”- but you can succeed as a father and you can change, and make your children feel a connection with you.

    If you try to show your wife that you can change as a husband- that is not likely to work because she already gave up on you as a husband (and that’s why she doesn’t feel sad about separating from you). Your only chance to show her that you can and will change as a husband- is to show her that you changed already as a father.

    It will take time for you to change as a father and for her to see and trust that indeed you changed as a father- but you do have the time and opportunity because you and your wife are still sharing the house for a while. Even if/ when the two of you live separately, she will still have the opportunity to witness how differently you interact with the children.

    Post again if you’d like.

    anita

    #371200
    Rob
    Participant

    Anita,

    You’re advice is amazing. Although I’m fearful that even if I change as a father my time with her has passed. I dont know how to overcome this grief.

    Also, she hasn’t overcome the depression. It’s there everyday.  She wanted me to help her overcome it and I failed.

    Do you think it’s a good idea if I stay somewhere else temporarily or should I stay in the home? The kids are on break currently and could stay at someone’s house for a couple of days. Thus allowing her time to herself as she’s said yesterday that she’s going to start avoiding me. I dont want her to feel uncomfortable in her own home.

    Thank you.

     

    #371215
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rob:

    You are welcome.

    “I’m fearful that even if I change as a father my time with her has passed”- I understand, but changing as a father to the better will help your children and it will help you to feel better about yourself. It also increases the chances of reuniting with your wife.

    “she hasn’t overcome the depression. It’s there everyday. She wanted me to help her overcome it and I failed”- you suggested earlier that she became deeply depressed as a result of her mother passing last year. For the purpose of understanding the nature of her depression better, I ask: what do you know about the relationship she had with her mother, as a child and as an adult?

    “Do you think it’s a good idea if I stay somewhere else temporarily or should I stay in the home?”- I don’t know, it depends on her preference. If you stay somewhere else she may feel more lonely and more depressed, or she may feel better. She may feel better followed by feeling worse.

    You can ask her, but do so in a casual manner, saying something like: I am willing to stay elsewhere for a couple of days, to give you some time alone, if you want. If she doesn’t answer you in a decisive way, tell her to take her time considering your offer and get back to you.

    anita

     

     

    #371254
    Rob
    Participant

    Anita,

    Please let me know what you think.

    After much consideration, I think that I need to move out. I cant live in the same home as she moves on with her life. I need to begin my healing process. Living with her and not being able to express my love is going to be agony. I think it sounds selfish but I can’t sit by and watch as she leaves my life.

    #371258
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rob:

    Your recent post makes sense to me. It’s the right thing for you to do: to move out as soon as you want to. (It’s not selfish of you to remove yourself from an experience that will bring you agony).

    * I will be away from the computer for a couple of hours.

    anita

    #371288
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Rob,

    I don’t know how to overcome this grief.

    Through the tough days ahead try to have faith that your pain will eventually lead to healing and peace.

    When I realize that my thoughts and feelings are creating distress in me I take a “time out” and focus on my breathing. I close my eyes and concentrate on each breath, visualizing the air entering my lungs and then exiting. When distracted by an unpleasant thought during this exercise I don’t fight the thought; I let the thought come, relax my shoulders, and then get back to focusing on each breath. Our minds are constantly scanning for thoughts to attach themselves to (often negative ones) so by concentrating on each breath we’re giving our minds little breaks from the negativity and grief, and what a relief it is to have little breaks. Sometimes it takes many breaths and several minutes to feel a little calmer, better.

    Rob, this exercise may be difficult at first but if you stick with it in time you may realize that no matter where you are and what you’re doing, when you’re feeling badly you have the ability to help yourself feel a little bit better. Knowing this makes me feel empowered and brings me some peace.

    One day at a time, Rob. 🙂

    B

    #371306
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rob:

    I was in a rush answering you yesterday, so I want to elaborate on my answer. You asked me what I think about your plan to move out. You wrote: “I can’t live in the same home as she moves on with her life. I need to begin my healing process”- so far, your reasoning makes sense to me, I am all for you beginning your healing process.

    You went on: “Living with her and not being able to express my love is going to be agony”- living with her and not being able to express your anger may be agony as well, won’t it? I mean, the problem in the marriage was your anger, anger that took away from love. When angry, you did not feel (or express) love to her. I am concerned that you want to move out as an act of anger, to show her, once again, that she is wrong (in wanting to move on with her life).

    You wrote earlier: “I know I’m bad for her.. I’m afraid the wounds I’ve caused are too deep to repair”- take responsibility for these two things. Don’t cause her yet another wound, don’t be bad for her yet again by turning against her with anger.

    Remember the promise you made to her: “I let her know that I’ll do my best to make this easy for her”, and she thanked you for that. Keep your promise, be good to her this time, make it easy for her.

    It is okay for you to move out- but don’t do it angrily, don’t do it with the message that she is doing something wrong and therefore you are angry. After all, she is doing something right and good when separating from a man who has been bad for her, by your own admission.

    I still think that my previous advice to you is good, regarding improving your communication and connection with your own children, interacting with them positively and patiently-  so to become a better father, feel better about yourself for it, and she will be able to witness your improvement with them. Treat her positively and patiently as well, no matter how angry or sad you may feel at any one time.

    anita

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