Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→How do I escape from the downward spiral of self doubt?
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Vakarian.
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June 19, 2013 at 4:47 pm #37203
TaiParticipantSometimes I wish I could have an escape from everything going on in my life, some place where I would be alone for a while because i let other people affect me so much, I’m always wanting their approval and wanting to be perfect but I feel like I’ve lost myself while trying to keep up my ego, and even relationships with my family are getting hard. I don’t think they know I feel this way, Ive started thinking about my relationships with them in the same way as my relationships with classmates, it feels like I need to be funny or happy to be around them and when I just keep thinking in my mind that I’m not being fun enough, I just get more and more depressed, then it turns into a loop an I feel like I have no one to talk to with out being too hard on myself. I don’t know how to explain it to them either.
This cycle has happened every year since 2009(four years), by the end of the school year I’m so overwhelmed by trying to get the approval of those around me that I start thinking that the only way I can be happy is for everyone around me to like me one way or another. I know that is not possible, of course it’s completely irrational, but I can’t help thinking it, and in the end I am a perfectionist at heart so I can’t accept myself in a lot of relationships with others. I hate all of these cycles that run through my head and I wish I could escape feeling like this ( I can’t stand the superficiality of school, I know that I’ll make friends a lot easier once I get out of high school) in high school it’s all about ‘oh what does this person have to offer, is he/she funny, outgoing, crazy…etc) it’s definitely way too hard to get to the inside layer of peoples intentions and their hearts
I know that once I get out of high school, I will be a lot less anxious and self conscious all of the time, but it’s hard to work on my problems when I keep being reminded of them everyday. Right now I’m trying my best by going to the Buddhist temple weekly(it’s a place of peace), doing yoga, and reading the posts of the tinybuddha blog, hopefully one day I’ll be able to be happy for a long time and start living outside of my head for a while. This blog has helped me so much when I was feeling depressed and feeling like there was no reason to try.. thankyou for creating tinybuddha!!!!!!!
Anyway any advice on how to escape my mind for a while would be helpfulJune 20, 2013 at 5:49 am #37220
Adam WalshParticipantHey Tai
It was weird reading your post because it was like I was talking to myself. I had the same problem that I felt that people would not except me if I was not constantly entertaining them with jokes or stories or mannerisms and this also drove me into a severe depression. You have to be careful though when you say it will all go away after high school because these thoughts become a habit and habits are extremely hard to stop. But you can make them stop if you have a strong will. What helped me get over my incessant worry about what other people thought about me was realizing I have control over what I think. At times it does not seem so but it is true that the control is there. I do not know how spiritual you are but want helped me was believing that my mind and my body are not truly me. They are tools that I use to experience the world we live in. Who I truly am goes much more beyond a mind and a body because who I am is someone filled with love and compassion for others. If you realize this, you realize that your mind is a tool to express your love for others and it is totally controlled by you. Hopefully this will stop your bad thoughts
God Bless
AdamJune 20, 2013 at 7:32 am #37222
samir sahaParticipantHi Tai ! The only problem what I see here is that you are thinking too much. Simplify your thoughts. Your happiness and your peace is within you you don’t need to search anywhere else.
Always keep in mind ” life is 1% how you make it and 99% how you take it”. Start looking for positivity in all the things around you. Start living in present and stop worrying about future. Check out these two stories. It might be helpful for you.
http://upsohigh.com/i-would-have-done-it/
http://upsohigh.com/the-little-contribution/“Some people pursue happiness others create it” ….Good luck 🙂
June 20, 2013 at 8:06 am #37225
shamita guhaParticipantHello Adam and walsh . You need to loosen up guys.
There is a quote by Abraham Lincone
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
I agree with samir, Simplify your thoughts stop thinking too much..
June 20, 2013 at 8:14 am #37226
Nisha ChandraParticipantNice stories samir, I already have read the second one but the recent one was much better…I almost cried 🙁
June 20, 2013 at 11:14 am #37233TaiParticipantThank you everyone for your advice! The one problem that I have is that when I start overthinking everything, I cant just tell myself to stop, its very difficult to control my thoughts, especially when I’m around other people because I start thinking about how to act and how to gain their approval.
June 20, 2013 at 11:23 am #37234
MParticipantHi Tai!
I started going through a similar problem myself during my first year of college. I am not really sure what triggered all these feelings and I used to be really happy. It really, really, really sucks sometimes. What I tell myself is, it’s okay to have a couple of bad days. Everyone has bad days. But if the bad days don’t get better, then there is something that needs to be fixed. It sounds like you have recognized that there isn’t something quite right, and you want to fix it. Which is awesome! I haven’t really figured out how to fix my problems yet, but I just want you to know that you aren’t alone. I hope that one day we will both feel great about ourselves, which everyone deserves to do.
Take care,
MJune 20, 2013 at 11:37 am #37236TaiParticipantWow, thank you Adam. Its so awesome for me to have someone understand and relate to my issues, i’m extremely grateful for this forum and your reply, thank you for taking the time to give me this wonderful advice! I am a very spiritual person and I relate to what you said about how our body and minds are tools for us to show people who we are. When I get depressed I start to think that there’s something wrong with who I am on the inside, when really there’s just a problem with my incessant negative thoughts, those thoughts make it hard for me to show people who I really am.Every now and then i think about how amazing it is that we have control over our body and minds, these powerful tools that can affect others and the world around us so much, and how amazing it is that I am a person in this world. I really am going to try hard to change my habits because I know that when I overcome this hard time in my life i’ll be able to connect with the amazing people around me on a deeper level.
June 20, 2013 at 11:52 am #37237TaiParticipantHi M,
Thank you for your post, it makes me feel so much better to know that there are people out there who can relate to these issues that I’ve been going through and support me. As for fixing my problems I know that it will probably take a while because these are deep problems that are like a bad habit in my cycles of thought. I’ve tried therapy, but it hasn’t helped so much so far, I think our problems are ones that only we will be able to fix in the end its almost as if we are fighting against ourselves because the problem is man vs self.
June 20, 2013 at 11:58 am #37238TaiParticipantWow, thank you Adam. Its so awesome for me to have someone understand and relate to my issues, i’m extremely grateful for this forum and your reply, thank you for taking the time to give me this wonderful advice! I am a very spiritual person and I relate to what you said about how our body and minds are tools for us to show people who we are. When I get depressed I start to think that there’s something wrong with who I am on the inside, when really there’s just a problem with my incessant negative thoughts, those thoughts make it hard for me to show people who I really am.Every now and then i think about how amazing it is that we have control over our body and minds, these powerful tools that can affect others and the world around us so much, and how amazing it is that I am a person in this world. I really am going to try hard to change my habits because I know that when I overcome this hard time in my life i’ll be able to connect with the amazing people around me on a deeper level.
June 20, 2013 at 8:30 pm #37247
LesterParticipantTai, there is no help to be given because there is nothing wrong with you. It’s normal for teens to be in a journey of self-discovery. The fact that you identify the downsides of self-doubt is part of that journey. Know that none of us can tell you exactly what the answer you are looking for, and you wouldn’t want that. You live your own experiences and you feel your own emotions, and the only person who can decode all these confusing puzzles in your life is you. It’s ok if it doesn’t happen overnight, just make sure to keep educating yourself not just in school but in life experience most especially and someday the answers you seek will be right in front of you.
My friend you are a gift of this world, meant to live and lead a wonderful life. I wish you the best!
I also suggest reading my blog on positive and negative thinking. This may get you started.
June 23, 2013 at 4:14 am #37308
JustynaParticipantHi Tai,
I think it’s very important that you stop asking for people’s approval. Even though you think, you rebel against the system, deep inside you need acceptance and try to please everyone, I think. I’m just talking from my own experience, as well. With me it was buddhism and one film that I watched that finally changed my thinking. You need to set yourself free. I recommend you articles on self-compassion: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/27/5-strategies-for-self-compassion/
Just make yourself comfortable and talk to yourself as a loving parent or the one that would love you the most in the world if they were there with you, what they would say to you? “I know you are suffering, it’s okay… you are wonderful… you have right to feel that way…” They would love you exactly for the way you are. Imagine them giving you a hug you and making you feel ‘at home’. Simply imagine somebody that you are looking for, the person that is in love with YOU. Imagine somebody that loves you more than even your parents do. With time, you will start thinking the same yourself.Try to think if your parents showed you that you are the most amazing being in the world or they didn’t. I just see the same thinking tendency in children and teens I’m teaching in school. I recommend you this book: http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1371985233&sr=1-1&keywords=toxic+parents
Be happy!
June 23, 2013 at 8:43 am #37321
VakarianParticipantHello Tai.
Thanks for writing this, you are by no means alone in that struggle; I have been on it for years and years and I know how eroding, tiresome and hurtful it feels.
There is something people say in my country when someone criticizes one´s behaviour and is “You do not feed me, then why should I care?” it may sound funny, but what it means is simple: the only opinion that really matters is the one from people that feeds you, not only in the material way but also in the emotional way. Is a good first step towards freeing you from approval need, to reduce the circle of people you want approval from, then reduce it more and more until you do not need approval from anyone except yourself.
I hope you find this useful to relieve you from that suffering. Best wishes and deep gratefulness. -
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