Dear Janet:

I can relate to being the one girl in high school without a boyfriend, envying the girls with boyfriends, and I can relate to being hit on, at 17 and on by “some old, creepy men”. I would like to understand your situation better so to have something to offer you, therefore I ask (and please feel free to answer or not, I am okay with either choice):

1. You wrote: “I feel constant shame”- shame in regard to not having been in a relationship, or is there other shame, shame that originated in your earlier childhood?

2. You wrote: “I would like to take care of me for a change, instead of me always being the support and the ‘psychologist’ for other people”- when did your role of being the support/ the psychologist for other people start? Have you been a support and psychologist to any of your parents?

anita

Dear Janet:

“My parents were never affectionate with each other and boyfriends were not allowed in my teenage years… My dad is a very strict man and were not allowed to make mistakes”- reads like your parents, particularly your father, sent you the strong message that attracting boys/ young men, and having physical affection with boys/ men is a bad, shameful mistake.

This teaching probably showed in your face and body language all along. Shame and fear showed in my face when I was a teenager and onward: unlike other girls who smiled at boys flirtatiously, who dared look in their eyes- I looked away, I didn’t smile, I moved farther from them, not closer. Boys/ men are sensitive to rejection, so when they see a girl or woman looks away, who does not look inviting- it is like a traffic stop-sign for them, as in: Stop, Do Not Approach this Girl.

You wrote in your original post: “I feel so ashamed that no one has ever found me attractive enough to be considered a romantic interest”-it’s not that your facial features or your figure are not attractive, it’s probably that your shame/ fear shows in your face and in your body language, just like it did in mine.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Janet:

I will read and reply in about 4 hours from now.

anita

Dear Janet:

I will re-read and comment on what you shared so far:

“I am 24.. never had a boyfriend.. never even been kissed. I feel so ashamed that no one has ever found me attractive enough to be considered a romantic interest… Rarely did I look boys in the eyes“- you formed the conclusion that you didn’t have a boyfriend because no boy/ young man ever found you attractive, but this conclusion is probably untrue:  if you looked boys in the eyes, you could have seen that a few of them were attracted to you. You didn’t look in their eyes= you didn’t see their attraction to you.

“I don’t count some  old, creepy men that have hit on me and made me feel uncomfortable”- those old men didn’t care if you said No to them/ if you rejected them. Your rejection of them did not hurt their feelings, they simply went on to hit on another young woman. Most young men in high school and college do care about being rejected: they feel embarrassed and humiliated when rejected. When they see that you are not looking into their eyes/ smiling at them, etc., they figure that you are not interested, and that if they hit on you, you are likely to reject them. So they don’t try.

“people/ friends I went to high school with still presume that I’m single… Like it is obvious that.. I’m not fun enough or beautiful enough for someone to actually like me”- you formed another conclusion that is probably untrue: people assume that you are single simply because you were always single. People assume that what was always a certain way will continue to be that same way.

“Such comments always come from the same group of girls.. they look more attractive next to me. They always bragged about boys being obsessed with them… I see those girls, one in particular, being all smug and content that they are in long-term relationships and I’m not.. Those girls were also very mean and mocked people a lot.. I had such beautiful, perfect schoolmates around me that guys did not even pay attention to me”- and you didn’t pay attention to other girls who also did not belong to the popular-with-boys group of girls, including the girls who were mocked by the popular girls. I remember as a teenager, focusing on the popular girls and feeling like I was the only girl who was lonely and unpopular. If I paid attention to others who were like me, I could have had a few good friendships.

“all I’m left with are those who approach me because they want a one night stand or they’re drunk… however,.. not having one single boy interested in me”- it is not accurate that no boy showed interest in you then, a few did, but you assumed that they wanted a one-night stand with you. Maybe it wasn’t true for all of the guys who approached you.

“My parents were never affectionate with each other”- the message they sent: affection is a  bad thing, we do not allow it in our house!.. we do not allow it in our daughter’s life!

“boyfriends were not allowed”- the message they sent: having a boyfriend is a bad thing, we do not allow it in our house.. we do not allow in our daughter’s  life!

“We never talked about romantic feelings and we never, ever talked about sex or romance”- the message they sent: romance and sex are bad… we do not allow these things in our daughter’s life!

“I was always the responsible child… never had a ‘wild phase,’.. never dated.. got good grades.. never expressed my anger”- the opposite of wild is tamed. your anger as well as your other emotions were tamed, suppressed, subdued, pushed down.

“Other parents knew that I was responsible and told me to look after their children at parties”- parents trusted you because you were tamed, subdued, not one to get excitable and wild.

“people always came to me for advice, but never asked me how I was doing”- tamed, subdued, you appear calm. People assumed that being calm meant that you were feeling fine, and therefore, there was no reason to ask you how you were doing. Those who came to you for advice did so, I imagine, because they were troubled by something, and you appear calm/ untroubled (and intelligent), and they wanted your advice on how they too can be calm and untroubled in their circumstances.

“I crave hugs and kisses”- you feel that craving, it is not completely tamed.  I imagine that this craving does not show at all in your facial expressions and behaviors (?)

“it makes me feel like a failure”- you were and are a great success in the context of boyfriend, affection, romance and sex considering the messages your parents sent you: you perfectly materialized their messages: no boyfriend, no physical affection, no romance and no sex.

“I fat shame myself more than anyone else.. I definitely project energy that says I don’t feel worthy of love as a chubby girl”- objectively, some young men are not attracted to chubby girls, others are attracted to both, slim and chubby girls, and yet others prefer chubby girls. Regarding the energy you project- for some young men, in their minds, the energy you project is not about who you think you are (that you are not worthy of love), but who you think they are (that they are not worthy of .. your love). Just as you worry about being chubby, young men out there worry that they are not tall enough or muscular enough, or that they are too hairy, etc. Just as you are focused on your supposed faults, they are focused on theirs.

anita

Dear Janet:

You are welcome. I suggested to you earlier that you didn’t pay attention to the other girls who did not belong to the popular-with-boys group of girls, and you replied that not only you did pay attention to the girls the unpopular girls, you belonged to their group, to the “deemed physically less attractive.. chubby.. and less ‘fashionable.. none of them had a boyfriend.. good enough to laugh with (and at), but not to date'” group of girls.

You shared an experience in high school when a male schoolmate was celebrating his birthday and all your friends went to congratulate and hug him. His response: “He was happy to hug my attractive friends, but seemed shocked and disgusted when I went in for a hug.. barely gave a proper hug back”-

– this makes sense: high school and college social life is very much about groups. Every person, male or female, wants to belong to/ associate with the group that is considered superior. The male schoolmate you described didn’t want to hug you because being observed hugging/ associating with a member of a group considered inferior, in his mind, is evidence that he is inferior too.

The fact that you belonged to the unpopular group meant that you were to remain in that group throughout high school unless you did what it took (significantly changing your looks and behaviors) so to break from the unpopular group and enter the popular group.

You shared that you were “severely bullied in primary school by girls only”, and that in sixth grade, at 10 or 11 years old (which you say happened when your weight was normal and before you were concerned about your physical looks), a boy told you that he liked you. You then panicked, convinced that he was mocking you, not understanding how someone could like you. You wrote that you experience the same “weird feeling.. every time while talking or spending time with another boy”, and you don’t understand why it is that you were bullied only by girls but ended up being afraid of boys-

– (1) the nature of fear is that it does not remain contained, much like fire: it starts at a certain location,  and soon it spreads to another location, and another. It makes sense that your fear of being bullied/ mocked by girls spread to fear of being bullied/ mocked by boys.

– (2) our memories are not very reliable, especially memories of our childhood of long ago. You may think now that you were not concerned then with your physical looks 14 years ago, and maybe you have photos showing you of normal weight at that age- but.. you were already concerned with your physical looks at 10, you just forgot.

How did the severe bullying by girls come about: when/ how did it start and when/ how did it end?

anita

Dear Janet:

I am sorry that you were bullied, and that you were bullied for so long. Reads to me that the reason you were bullied was that those girls, particularly your neighbor, suffered from aggression in her childhood home, and proceeded to pass that aggression on to you, choosing you for this purpose simply because you were “shy and a goody-goody” which to her meant that you wouldn’t fight her back once she bullies you. (It is similar to predators in nature choosing as prey the very young or very old members of a herd because those will not fight back against the predator).

“I was afraid to stand up to her in fear she would use that against me. If I had only stood up to her early on.. I would spare myself so much pain and regret. This regret is eating me up inside and I don’t know how to handle it”- it is not possible for any child in your situation to stand up to bullies. It was not that you had the ability to stand up to her and you chose to not take advantage of that ability.

A child needs guidance from her parents. Your parents “never talked about romance feelings and.. sex or romance” or bullying, or standing up for yourself otherwise. An animal in the wild that is not taught how to hunt will not be able to hunt. Similarly, a child who is not taught how to stand up for herself.. is not able to stand up for herself.

I will be away from the computer for a while. Feel free to post back to me anytime and I will reply when I am back.

anita

Dear Janet:

You are welcome. I am still around, to be away from the computer soon. I read your most recent post. You wrote that you never stood up for yourself, but notice this- as a child,  you stood up for your mother: you told her that everything worked out (even though you continued to suffer from being bullied), and in that way, you prevented her from contacting the neighbors and suffering from their anger on top of your father’s anger. You stood up for your mother for years, being nothing less than a hero, for her sake.

anita