Dear Michelle,

I am sorry things have turned worse again. I believe he’s afraid of commitment, and one of the reasons might be exactly his OCD, which  limits him extremely, as he needs his structure to maintain his balance and a sense of control. That’s why everything else is less important than him maintaining his sense of “peace”. Unfortunately that means that you too, as a potential disturbing factor, are secondary to his peace. Even though he says “he’s never felt that anyone had fulfilled him this way before“, his fear of things becoming unmanageable is larger. That’s why he cannot and doesn’t want to promise you anything. He’s very confined by his fear and would need to work on it. But if he’s not willing to, there isn’t much you can do.

You say “it doesn’t feel over“. Well, it doesn’t need to be over if you agree to his conditions – to stay within the confines of his fear, to never mention a committed relationship, to have no expectations from him in that regard. I think Anita once noticed that he might be quite loving and caring within his comfort zone, but as soon as he is asked to step out of it, he shuts down. Now he did it again, as soon as you started probing about the future.

By the way, I am not surprised he’s not interested in dating other women, because the same fear would arise in him with someone else. You were exceptionally understanding and tolerant with him, and that’s why he said he never felt fulfilled like that before. But unfortunately, he cannot step out of his own prison, so even if we feels good with you, his fear is stronger.

It just seems like if it’s going to end I’m going to have to do it. But it doesn’t feel over, I just think hes messed up.

Well, until you’re full of love and understanding for him, he’ll want to stay with you. But if you keep demanding things from him, he might be the one to break up with you. He isn’t going to beg you to stay, because he cannot promise you the things you want from him.

I am sorry, Michelle. I know you don’t want it to end. But your love isn’t enough for him to change. He would need a strong resolve to work on himself and go to therapy, but he isn’t willing to do that. Perhaps you could ask him – as one final attempt – whether he’s willing to go to therapy, if not for his own but for your sake? And that you see his fears, but is he willing to work to overcome them? Or he’s willing to let the relationship go, because his fear is stronger?