Hi Anita,

i wrote several times and it seems something does not want me to as it wont save!

Every day since this i have seen something to remind me of the situation.  i had a phone call from a client asking about his house which has now sold and is removed from our website…my number is not associated anywhere with this property so i don´t know how she was calling me. She said she was surprised it had sold quickly..i said it hadnt as we had it for sale for months, i asked if i could send her details or at least have her name, she refused and said goodbye. Its coincidental that i receive a call a day after it was removed and i got suspicious thinking what if this woman was trying to find out how i feel about it? Since then i have noticed that perhaps her agency IS checking what mine has and going after the same properties. Maybe all this was just about money as it often is in my area. Can it be a coincidence, i dont really believe in those anymore.

My workplace this week has been the worst. This bullying manipulating is so toxic and its coming from the top down, because of greed. My colleague is going into surgery this weekend, they have made her life hell this week and i cant stomach it. Me, they just don´t consider at all..im a nothing. They have absolutely no respect for anyone. This is clearly survival mode at its worst.

Betrayal seems to be the theme of April 2021.

Speaking of people stealing or taking from me:

In my work, i in fact sold one of the most expensive properties we have ever sold, about 3 years ago. It was a long process, involving immense patience and i was teased all the way ” id rather you work with them than me!” etc. In the end, i made a great sale, the clients wanted to work with me although they were surrounded by other agents but i had gone out of my way to help them because i genuinely liked them. When the day came for the money, my boss told me “unfortunately” she had to give a larger share to another person who was involved in a minor way..which meant i got less than i was owed. It stung, as its clearly unfair…but in this place there´s nothing i can do about it. However, this memory has sat with me ever since and its a problem. If i sell another big property, will they steal from me again with some excuse? That day i have to say i lost my trust in my boss and saw them for who they are.

I also have had a number of times when i felt my job security was threatened by a new colleague who seemed to think they could walk in and take over..teasing and bullying, manipulating. And now we have this family member, manipulating the boss to his will and reading all our correspondence so he can benefit from our hard work. I live with the knowledge that i could work hard on something and someone will say i can´t get paid, because they want to take from me.

Leave? well, id have to start again from scratch with no savings. No one has sympathy for my situation, its hard times at the moment and people are unemployed, there is always a reason not to pay me or to pay me less. Other companies are at least as bad from what i hear but it feels more and more like i have to leave because the family member wants me to and makes life difficult for me.

My relationship with my sister has always been tenuous. We got on fine but i knew it was only because i was amenable. Whenever she has come to stay she never pays for much..and leaves that to the parents or me. Now she also has a child but the ritual has continued and no one said anything, i brought it up with my parents and they know but have not confronted her. Last time she came, she borrowed clothes because it was a long time, i got them back with one torn, the other not washed and some things she just takes with her. She left me (hahaha like the nursery rhyme) 3x bags full of charity clothes dumped in my office that she had bought while she was here and said i could take them or bring them back to the charity shop. This is what i fell out with her over. This casual entitlement and selfishness. I was fed up with her behaviour and my parents say nothing. I told her i dont make much money and in fact, she is doing quite well with her partner.

I know my sister thinks because i live near our parents that, they will take care of things for me and to a certain extent if im in trouble that would be true. But i am responsible for myself and have worked hard. I have not had a holiday like she gets every time she comes over, in years and years. And she makes us pay.

This is her mental hangover from childhood. Feeling that she was loved less and telling everyone around her it is like that. When i would speak to her, she would never ask how i was but talk endlessly about what she was doing and what she wanted. If i said i was having a hard time, she would shut down and i wouldnt hear from her..I once stayed over with her, we were drinking a lot and i started crying about an ex, saying how i felt so terrible i didnt want to go on (yes, i always got depressed after a breakup). She took my to a psychologist she knew and that woman said basically that i should not drink and that i should feel bad that i had upset my sister. I knew after that, i could never count on her for comfort or to confide in..its not that she doesnt have sympathy i think, she just can´t be there for anyone else. I felt really lonely after that but had to find something within myself to comfort the lack of support.

She now uses her child to manipulate my parents. Since she became a mother she has wanted a lot of contact with them, frequent calls to talk about what she is doing, its normal to feel a craving to connect when you become a mother. However, my parents complained lately… they never see the grandchild or the partner, just her talking about herself. I dont think they understand her need for attention from them stems from long ago. Having children is kind of an extension of yourself..so every praise and every moment is reflected back on her, i think she has really enjoyed that.

She never had less than me as a child, she had as much attention as me, she chose to go out more with friends and always argued with our mom. She can be very angry when criticised and will not be told anything. I am not like her, i was the joker of the family and diffused situations with jokes and humor. I was easier to get one with and I got on with our parents, its just that. I feel sad that she is so resentful no matter how much she is given.  But she has had much more success in life; with partners and with work. On many occasions clothes disappear if i left them with her. When she stayed over with her child, her partner had to stay behind to work but planned to visit…in that instance of excitement i saw her true feelings ” we have to rent a place that is at least as good as my sister´s” she demanded of him and he seemed to sigh a bit, i said ” how about anywhere for a start!” but it was clear this was a competition of sorts.

If this is success in life then why am i so weak? I thought loving people was enough but its really not, you need to manipulate people to get your way it seems, you need to get rid of the competition.  i never learned how and because of that i have struggled all of my life.

When i met my ex he sort of became my world. I loved everything about his life. It was what i wanted too. He was however, much older..already experienced in many things and he had grown up in the place i was just getting to grips with. It was hard for me and here he was, apparently with everything. I wanted to be there and be the right one but once the physical attraction was over, he criticised the way i worked, how i cooked, my lack of sociability, my family, my friends and that i didnt care for him. I wanted so much to be right but i was just never enough.

I know he loved me…sadly the only thing i know. We broke up several times but our attractions stayed..our mental connection was still there. I just wasnt the mother, or the housewife or the mediator or any of those things he thought he wanted.