Hi Anita, I dont know what happened but the last 3 posts i made were repeating because it did not seem to save since your post of 11:54pm 22 April. Now i see them all apppearing so it sounds very repetitive.

Your thoughts that i was in fact the jealous one growing up don´t ring true to me at all. I can only tell you what i felt but of course, without the other people you would never get a full picture.

I told you my examples with my sister because you asked.  She is very self involved by example of her behaviour i think. Yes i think i would like her life. So perhaps i am jealous of her. But that makes it even more galling that she should feel resentment at me. I have nothing to be jealous of. Yes she said that she found my relationship with my parents was unhealthy, i think she meant at one time i spent a lot of time with them….but she lives in a different world. Its not the same where i am and its easy to judge looking in. A lot of my foreign friends left…because they couldnt find work they liked or meet guys..its that simple. Because of my family being here i had more support and now i can´t afford to move because income is low where i am.

The workplace issues seem to have come up in my writing because obviously they are a big part of my life…that is being torn to shreds by a manipulative person, this family member who is taking over the business. It hurts…i am processing the feelings that i have to just walk away, accept defeat and have nothing to show for the many hours of extra work i put in early on when the business was small, the ideas i had were not even considered, i am a nothing to them and colleagues have agreed this is the case. The family member joined us just as the business turned and became successful.

I know, this generation says ” you were stupid to offer extra from yourself…you are the loser” but i dont believe that. I believe that karma will come for those who hurt and deliberately betray others for their own gain. I have to believe this to not just give up altogether.

Am i jealous of other people now? SURE! i wish i had money, job security,  i wish i had someone who loved me, i wish i had autonomy and that people respected me, i wish that i could go out and not feel like people are constantly out to get me. I have no idea what its like to feel secure in my life…to build a family with someone is just way beyond me. I wouldnt trust them now…it just wont be as lovely and as innocent as some women´s experience of love.

I didnt feel that way when i was a kid and when i was young. But what lasts is that i mostly got burned by people i trusted or loved. Even walking on the street sometimes people will start laughing as i approach them so that i go to look in the mirror what is wrong…there is never anything there. I must have a funny looking expression or something. But i was always told by my mother and by other women i knew, friends and strangers, that people were jealous of the way i looked…guys have always said i looked good in the past…its all i can go on.Maybe they were lying?

Im not bragging because if anything, id say beautiful women are the most unhappy because so much is put on them. You are expected to be MORE humble, MORE kind etc. You get kicked harder if you do anything people dont like. And certainly, in a foreign country i feel that i am targeted a lot because women here are very jealous and possessive. They don´t like foreign women at all. men think you are good for one thing. And that has certainly been the case for me. Ive been treated as an object by at least one boyfriend. And no guy has ever approached me here to ask me out….only my ex.. the only one.

I feel its a taboo. To say that. People think you are lucky. They don´t know that you are walking around with pills in your pocket to make you feel you have a way out if it gets too bad…i did that years ago, when i first arrived here. I thought, if anything hurt too much, id have a way out and it made me feel better. I know i looked much prettier then but i was really starving thin too because i was suffering…guys like that model look, my ex did, they have no idea and dont care if you are ill.

Trying to turn my way of thinking around seems like an impossible task. Im here in my misery and thats it. I can´t change that people dont want to talk to me offhand. I cant change that i am still shy and dont go out enough. I cant change what happened to me. I thought i could start by not thinking constantly about my ex but as i said….he was the only guy to notice me and make the effort to know me and i really mean that. How can i believe that other guys may have noticed me but been too scared to approach me? What if they just didnt notice me? What if i am just too messed up for anyone to like me and stay?