Hi Anita,

I think it was a largely carefree childhood but i certainly noticed the similarities between my ex and my mom. Ive met lots of people who blame things that have happened to them on their parents, their upbringing and things that happened out of their control. I think i feel my childhood was great because ive heard stories from other people i knew and they were so much worse.

But i have still got a mother who is pretty unsatisfied with what she has, and in my eyes she has had it fairly good. Certainly compared to her daughters, as my sister and i have both struggled with money. My sister is now doing better as she has a partner and they have been able to build up their own business..but its not been as fortunate as i think my parents had it. Part of the boomer generation stereotype, they sometimes dont understand why its so hard for us. But circumstances have changed.

My mom has gotten somewhat worse in her self-righteousness with older age. My father is obsessive with her, totally focussed on her well-being. But this makes her grouchy and irritable. She says hes driving her nuts. He has always been like this though in later life without work, his focus is now just her. Ive always thought that was creepy and weird. They are always together, which sounds nice but i wouldn’t want it like that. I know my mom would like to do her own thing sometimes but she also plays the victim, and gets him to do most things for her. So the complaining is just part of a game really.

My ex said when he left me that he didn’t want to end up like them, but neither did i. He seemed to resent my dad´s straight laced approach to life, more of a salary man than my ex who was an entrepreneur. I know my dad didnt really like his loose concept of right and wrong, certainly in regards to me. My ex always got on very well with my mom but he was able to charm most women, but he didnt like her bullying way with me.

Listening to myself im already bored with how dull my life sounds. I know what it looks like to others. I wish i had a fantastic social life and felt upbeat all the time and had a bunch of kids and looked and felt “normal”. But i know i dont look and feel normal.

Today my back and hips have been killing me and this chronic pain is something ive never experienced before in my life. It makes me depressed and tearful. The pain is dull like period pain but strong and constant in my hip joints and lower back. Sometimes i feel sick. Sometimes the pain ive felt from missing my ex has been similar to this. So this feels like a punishment of some kind, for not being brave, or moving on or something. I know im sounding irrational and i have to be patient, i think i overdid some exercises and its set something off i dont know what…but its scary to think this could get worse..i suddenly understand how people became hooked on painkillers ..Im not taking anything, ill try to improve with exercise.