Hi Anita,

What you wrote here, i think is probably the core of it…which i sort of realised when i looked back on the relationship with my ex and then compared it to the relationship with my mother.

“Why am I attracted to witty and entertaining people only to find them mocking me and making fun that turns into hurtful cruelty?”- you were born to a witty and entertaining woman who mocked you and made fun of you and was cruel to you. Next, you see her in other people, often assuming that they mock you and make fun of you when really, they don’t.

But how do you move away from that negative yet attracting pattern? I get so tied up in my thinking. For instance, when i first went through the breakup with my ex..i poured over so many explanations and landed on the conclusion he was a narcissist. Because he fit the description well.

But with time and age, i was seeing other sides to the story as well, and then am not so sure of my diagnosis again. For instance, if he was such a narcissist why would he visibly seem regretful and say sorry to me..even if it was no grovelling apology. Someone with a lack of empathy would not even notice that anything was wrong. Is my mother a narcissist too? she has also shown she is sorry or once or twice apologised even though that was very rare. or are they both bipolar? Ive believed there is mental illness in my family, undiagnosed because people feel shame and want to hide it. Ive faced my problems without hiding anything because mine has been much more disruptive and to the surface but the rest seem to ignore and shove things under the rug. Sometimes i feel people would rather not know and switch on a movie, pretend its not happening.

I feel a bit better now its weekend. More drama today but im tired out by it. My boss did something yesterday publically in a meeting that left me so angry…i avoided writing a serious email to her today…i was feeling so awful as it was about discrimination.. i felt powerless and belittled. But somehow ive made it through without cracking.  Another time.