Dear Kibou,

I remember how my mum cried when I was angry at her for not letting me play before completing my homework first in grade one.

I remember how I felt bad for having hurt her. I was at first stubborn and isolated myself. Our family wanted me to apologize to my mum first before I go outside.

Parents can cry in front of their children as means of manipulation, or because they aren’t emotionally mature enough, so when you were angry and didn’t want to do obey, she felt it like rejection and started crying. It appears your mother wasn’t manipulating you consciously, but rather, she was emotionally immature and reacted like a child. And then you were made guilty for “making your mommy cry”, and even needed to apologize.

Your entire family (I assume your father and other adults, perhaps your grandparents?) concluded the same: that you’re guilty and needed to apologize. There was nobody who understood how an adult should behave – all of them were emotionally immature. You grew up in such a family, where you were required to suppress your needs to please your mother (and other family members). And you were emotionally blackmailed: if you don’t behave, you’ll make your mother miserable, perhaps you’ll even make her sick?

I know that anger hurts people. I know that anger distances people.

You’ve learned that if you’re angry, you’ll hurt your mother and she’ll distance herself from you. Other family members will distance themselves too. Therefore, you mustn’t be angry. What’s more, you need to have compassion for your mother. When your mother got sick, I guess you needed to be super compassionate and bury your anger even deeper, even though you were breaking down due to the pressure of taking care for your siblings.

I agree with Anita that those generalized statements about “people” (1-6) most probably refer to your mother and the rest of your family.

I hate to admit it and but I am smart and people are jealous of smart people – that is unfair. I feel lonley for being smart.

Was someone in your family (e.g. your siblings) jealous of you being smart?

I guess a child would say, “I am sad and angry because no one truly cares about me.”

Good that you could express it loud and clear! You’re sad and angry and you have the right to be sad and angry. You were deprived of that when you were a child. Now you can allow your inner child to be sad and angry! It’s totally justified. It doesn’t mean you should start yelling at your mother and other family members, being angry at them, but you can allow yourself to feel those feelings privately, and not feel bad about yourself for feeling them.

A professor at uni once told me that she found my presentation amazing but I have to be careful how I address humanity’s role in such “difficult” topics. I was presenting about forest set on flames in Indonesia because of actions caused by humans.

Perhaps your anger comes out in those presentations, when you talk about issues that you deeply care about, such as environmental protection? You leave people speechless, which is good to a certain point, because it make them stop and think.  But you maybe also make them feel guilty, as if they were personally responsible for causing those forest fires. Perhaps that’s what makes people uncomfortable. When you talk about “people” in those presentations, e.g. people who don’t care about the environment, you may be in part talking about your family who doesn’t care about you, and you’re angry and upset at them. And it shows in your presentations…

Does this sound like a possibility to you?